Deep In The Mud

The stormy blue skies that looked down upon me made me realise how much of a metaphor life is. Reeling in the sadness deep within me, realisation downed upon me like a thief in the night that all that l had once tried to conceal was revealing itself slowly, each passing day. Screaming as loud as l could to try and rid myself of the pain in my heart only made me dwell in my pain more as the ropes around me grew tighter. The guilt, anger, depression, sadness, regret, unspoken words all ate me up and made me question why l was alive in the first place. Growing up, l had always been suicidal but being a coward made me refrain from any extensive measures. The unanswered questions of where l would go after death, how the people l love and hopefully reciprocate those feelings would feel, if l would face eternal damnation or if things would get better kept me 'grounded'.

One thing that l have learnt from my 23 years on this planet is that life is such an uncontrollable, unpredictable and unavoidable sequence of events that will either make or break you. A lot of people never find the beauty of life and l for one am one of those people. Growing up in a society that never seemed to give me a chance but always shut me out at each and every single opportunity it got, surrounded by media that promoted each and everything that was the opposite of who l am and what l have to give to the world shaped me into the woman l am today.

Everybody wants to be successful but what they fail to realize that we can't all be rich or make it in life because it disrupts the balance of life. And that balance has taken away each and every single thing from me. People often times say that representation does not matter but what they don't realize is that representation is one of the only ways to break a persons soul. From a young age, the media and society have played a very important role in our upbringings. From the way we dress, carry ourselves and even the way we see ourselves. The moment you find yourself walking outside the narrative, you become a nobody and are immediately seen as a traitor, your worth is equivalent to trash.

I feel as though media has the most influence because society follows what media makes acceptable or labels as beautiful and l was and still am far from reaching that standard. Media labelled tall, white, slender women with bone straight hair and porcelain skin as beautiful but the narrative has changed. Although you still need to be of a fair complexion, your beauty lies in the body you have, a pear shaped figure. Imagine how my short, dark skinned self with nappy, kinky afro textured hair felt. That is enough to make one feel inferior to other human beings and that shaped how l too viewed life and people.

This is why we find so many people altering their appearances just to fit in not realizing that the media's portrayals and beliefs of beauty standards is forever changing. If you keep chasing the unattainable, you will never find peace. I was never and most probably will never be classified as society's or the media's definition of beautiful and for the longest time that contributed to my never ending insecurities.

What made it unbearable for me was the constant bullying from teachers, family members and school mates. No one wanted to associate themselves with me, in fear that l would somehow 'infect' them with my darkness. But my luck changed when a walking angel took the plunge, got humiliated on my behalf on her first day at the school because she heard a group of mean kids saying they wanted to paint my face with polish to prove that there is no difference between the colour of polish and my skin tone.

The joke wasn't funny being pulled on a fellow white student leading to the whole school running around like a bunch of headless chickens trying to clean the paint off of her. All the other students tried to convince her that l wasn't worth her time and countless times tried to warn her of the torture she would endure from simply being my friend but all those warnings fell on deaf ears because she CHOSE me and from that very day we had been joined at the hip and her name was Keira. She helped me learn to love myself as well as build myself into the power house l am today. Some would even go as far as saying that she is the reason l decided to work for a very small media house called Merrington Corp better known as MC because we believe in the saying 'you change the world one step at a time'.

What l like about media nowadays is the representation of all skin types, genders, races, people with special conditions, LGBTQI and all other demographics making kids who are growing up in this media filled world comfortable in their skin and owning who they are. That is what shaped the career path l have chosen to take. Being able to change the narrative and offer a new perspective on beauty standards, defying the odds and walking in my own steps. I want the generation that will be impacted by my fresh take on the world to never feel excluded regardless of their skin, shade, height, weight, sexual orientation, disability e.t.c. I have walked in the shoes they are bound to walk on, but when they do it will be more meaningful.

I had always imagined that whatever company l worked at would give me full creative direction and MC media wasn't an exception. But to my surprise three years ago, when l started working in the company l had to write whatever they wanted me to write regardless of my position as creative director and quitting wasn't an option seeing as l had already signed a three year contract. Always read the fine print!