There's a problem with the writing. The english itself is fine, but the pacing, focus, and rational are all sub-par. Pacing - There are 3 chapters before the official chapter 1 that are glossaries of terms and information about the world, and this is a definite red flag. 1) This is a terrible way to start a story. I don't want to do homework in order to read a novel for leisure. 2) If this is neccessary to understand the story, then you have failed as a writer. You need to show the audience, not tell them. That's the difference between a story and a textbook. 3) Revealing all these details is a part of storytelling. Dumping them all in the beginning simply means you can't use their revelation to further your story. Discovering things with the MC is one of the joys of reading a book, and now you've robbed us of that experience to some extent. 4) By talking about the X levels of your world and how people struggle to climb them, you not only told us the end point of your story, but informed us that we're going to have to read what is basically the same story X times. Another mystery dead and a promise of an endlessly repetitive story. Focus - You need to trim the fat. Details, such as the fact that the MC came in his pants after his first feeding, either need to be cut out or utilized to further the narrative. I believe you were attempting to show how overwhelming of an experience his first feeding was, but you didn't go into enough detail for this fact to be anything other than a distraction. You basically skimmed through the fact that he was exhausted, breezed through his emotional state, and then described in detail the tent in his pants and the stain from his ejaculation. 1 graphic detail amongst a few brief ones sticks out like a sore thumb, and just because it's about a sexual organ doesn't make your novel more "*****." Rational - "Because the information might put you in danger" is not a constructive reason to deny a amnesiac character information about THEMSELVES. That's basically saying "because the author doesn't want the audience to know." You talk about enemies and danger as if covering your eyes will somehow make them go away. All it does is render the MC helpless to avoid these dangers and force him to stumble face first into them due to ignorance.
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Wow that's brutally honest, and a little unnerving. But you're right about everything, but considering this was almost five months ago when I first started writing I would say yes the me of then would make such collosal and stupid mistakes. The glossary was not uploaded at first, but during the course of the story as more information was exposed. I didn't put all there at once. I like to believe I got better with time, give it a chance.
Sorry if I came across as a bit too passionate. Honestly, the glossary set me off. I do believe it's the absolute worst way to introduce someone to a story and definately shouldn't be in the beginning for the reasons in my original review. All my other criticisms are things that would correct themselves with experience, so I believe you when you say you've improved. I'll give your novel a second chance and update my review when I'm further along.
Thank you very much. I'm grateful for the chance, and I sincerely hope I don't disappoint you. But please don't hesitate to give me corrections, though I can't read the comments of the old chapters, you can reply to this message. Thanks once again.
Great review. Thanks.
Haven't read it yet but a glossary isn't an epilogue so you don't have to read it. If this were a paperback this would probably be in last of the pages of the book as a reference so you don't get confused later on and the author doesn't have to repeat it a hundred times and then readers complain of repetition so your first point is stupid but I will agree about how authors love to withhold important information for mystique or some such but it never really flies with the readers and it doesn't just happen to newbie authors as even professionals use this retarded plot so no point pointing it out cause it won't stop authors from implementing a time old writing device that serves some kind of purpose us ignorant mortal(readers) can't complehend.
Good review, sounds like a good novel overall that I should still avoid as it will just anyone that looks for quality angry each chapter, thanks.
Exactly, when I started reading, it literally skipped right over the glossary and by the twentieth chapter I saw it, but by then I didn't care, and I understand the story perfectly, currently I'm on chapter 156...
Gave it a shot, and this review sums it up, started well and serious, chapter 13 and it turned to 1st person with a failed comedian MC, I feel tired reading 5 chapters in a row with skipping a lot.
Hi
if you have a problem with glossaries that's your problem. Dune, one of the most acclaimed fantasy/SF books is filled with invented words. So no, if there's a need of a glossary the author didn't fail as a writer, you're just probably too lazy to immerse yourself in the world of the book.
