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SinfuLeeCerebral
SinfuLeeCerebralLv156yr
2018-07-25 05:53

I'm about 20 chapters in as is my limit for every novel on seeing whether i will continue reading it and gauging its overall quality. I'm really liking the mixed genre of the novel and how there are so many possibilities towards growth and development. everything from Sci-fi to magick seems possible. the MC is lamentable at times though, his personality isn't very believable and can seem extremely immature. for being a prisoner he sure is lighthearted... i know he's only suppose to be 19, and that he no longer has his past memories but seeing such child like thoughts coming from him can grow annoying quickly. (is supposed to have regressed but some how knows how to be witty and talk back to the guards? lacks decorum and common sense but remembers non-sense such as actors and short phrases?) i feel like this novel could be a stellar 5 star novel if the author spent more time rereading the work for mistakes (as most of them can be easily found if the extra time was spent) and if the fourth wall wasn't broken at all. this novel really has the opportunity to be phenomenal if the serious undertones wouldn't keep getting disturbed mid flow. you have this novel that talks about the lives of others as if they're nothing and how rape and murder could happen around any corner, then out of no where (insert half remembered words or phrases. insert breaking the fourth wall.) it just completely lessens the overall quality of the novel. if author chose to rewrite this without so much nonsense and fourth wall breaking this could easily make it to the front page for weeks to come. best of luck to the author though, I'll continue to read it for a while longer to see how the author develops everything...

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Replies9
Anone
AnoneAuthor

Wow. Thanks for reading. Initially I had written this novel with a more serious undertone than this. As it was a rewrite, I had wanted to make it a bit lighthearted, at least for the first fifty or so chapters, since novels with a comedic angle seems to be more appreciated than the doom and gloom I'm used to writing. (My other novels are prime examples). It's going to get serious again, because to be honest the fourth wall break is not that exciting for me to write. I lost focus of how I wanted Kael to be, because I wanted to be a little be more popular, and now you tell me the opposite is the case. I will ease it back into a more serious undertone, eliminating the fourth wall break and lighthearted moments bit by bit. He's in a prison, and I plan to put him through some life changing experience, the first of which he just experienced in chapter nineteen. I just hope I haven't made irreparable damage to this novel. Thank you so much for your review and your rates. I appreciate the time and effort spent on your part. God bless you

SinfuLeeCerebral
SinfuLeeCerebralLv15

No problem thank you for pushing forward through the tough times.. your world building and options in this novel are spectacular. Since the event is over you don't have to rush releases anymore and can taken your time to organise what you think is important. I really feel like this is a gem and you could definitely make it to higher grounds with this.. best of luck to you

Anone:Wow. Thanks for reading. Initially I had written this novel with a more serious undertone than this. As it was a rewrite, I had wanted to make it a bit lighthearted, at least for the first fifty or so chapters, since novels with a comedic angle seems to be more appreciated than the doom and gloom I'm used to writing. (My other novels are prime examples). It's going to get serious again, because to be honest the fourth wall break is not that exciting for me to write. I lost focus of how I wanted Kael to be, because I wanted to be a little be more popular, and now you tell me the opposite is the case. I will ease it back into a more serious undertone, eliminating the fourth wall break and lighthearted moments bit by bit. He's in a prison, and I plan to put him through some life changing experience, the first of which he just experienced in chapter nineteen. I just hope I haven't made irreparable damage to this novel. Thank you so much for your review and your rates. I appreciate the time and effort spent on your part. God bless you
Anone
AnoneAuthor

Thanks a lot. I will try to make it better. I have always wanted to create a world and a character that my readers can relate to. I don't just want this to be a story, I want it to have a life and a soul, just like novels like I shall seal the heavens or harry potter. I'm not at that level yet, but I will keep on pushing. I'm really happy someone as insightful as you is reading my novel. Thanks again and God bless you

SinfuLeeCerebral
SinfuLeeCerebralLv15

I really appreciate you having an open ear.. i myself am in the middle of writing 3 vampire novels, each with their own tone. 1 novel and 2 light novels, and I get that pacing and building are a huge challenge for LNs, especially when you see other authors dropping 2 chp a day at 3k works and your like.. wtf!?? How!?? Lol but even still i might not be far in my novels yet but I like to think of these novels as practice even if they go nowhere as long as we keep at it we will definitely eventually build something that shatters the heavens as we know it.. many blessings to you 🙏🏽🙏🏽

Anone:Thanks a lot. I will try to make it better. I have always wanted to create a world and a character that my readers can relate to. I don't just want this to be a story, I want it to have a life and a soul, just like novels like I shall seal the heavens or harry potter. I'm not at that level yet, but I will keep on pushing. I'm really happy someone as insightful as you is reading my novel. Thanks again and God bless you
Anone
AnoneAuthor

Thank you very much.......shatter the heavens you say.......it gives me ideas, lots and lots of ideas. Thanks for the inspiration. I will try my best. Remain blessed✌✌✌✌✌✌

SinfuLeeCerebral:I really appreciate you having an open ear.. i myself am in the middle of writing 3 vampire novels, each with their own tone. 1 novel and 2 light novels, and I get that pacing and building are a huge challenge for LNs, especially when you see other authors dropping 2 chp a day at 3k works and your like.. wtf!?? How!?? Lol but even still i might not be far in my novels yet but I like to think of these novels as practice even if they go nowhere as long as we keep at it we will definitely eventually build something that shatters the heavens as we know it.. many blessings to you 🙏🏽🙏🏽
LAW
LAWLv11

So.....Did you write your novel?

SinfuLeeCerebral:I really appreciate you having an open ear.. i myself am in the middle of writing 3 vampire novels, each with their own tone. 1 novel and 2 light novels, and I get that pacing and building are a huge challenge for LNs, especially when you see other authors dropping 2 chp a day at 3k works and your like.. wtf!?? How!?? Lol but even still i might not be far in my novels yet but I like to think of these novels as practice even if they go nowhere as long as we keep at it we will definitely eventually build something that shatters the heavens as we know it.. many blessings to you 🙏🏽🙏🏽
monstercat1
monstercat1Lv14

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SinfuLeeCerebral:No problem thank you for pushing forward through the tough times.. your world building and options in this novel are spectacular. Since the event is over you don't have to rush releases anymore and can taken your time to organise what you think is important. I really feel like this is a gem and you could definitely make it to higher grounds with this.. best of luck to you
KingSeyer
KingSeyerLv13

Dude your story is very nice and all but i have a really big problem about how the main character is in love with fucking whores and sluts like dat asha ***** she really makes me annoyed cuz how the hell can you go back to yr husband wen u had sex in front of him. Like wtf man.

Anone:Wow. Thanks for reading. Initially I had written this novel with a more serious undertone than this. As it was a rewrite, I had wanted to make it a bit lighthearted, at least for the first fifty or so chapters, since novels with a comedic angle seems to be more appreciated than the doom and gloom I'm used to writing. (My other novels are prime examples). It's going to get serious again, because to be honest the fourth wall break is not that exciting for me to write. I lost focus of how I wanted Kael to be, because I wanted to be a little be more popular, and now you tell me the opposite is the case. I will ease it back into a more serious undertone, eliminating the fourth wall break and lighthearted moments bit by bit. He's in a prison, and I plan to put him through some life changing experience, the first of which he just experienced in chapter nineteen. I just hope I haven't made irreparable damage to this novel. Thank you so much for your review and your rates. I appreciate the time and effort spent on your part. God bless you
pmovva
pmovvaLv1

N m

Other Reviews
TwistedSomnus
TwistedSomnusLv15

There's a problem with the writing. The english itself is fine, but the pacing, focus, and rational are all sub-par. Pacing - There are 3 chapters before the official chapter 1 that are glossaries of terms and information about the world, and this is a definite red flag. 1) This is a terrible way to start a story. I don't want to do homework in order to read a novel for leisure. 2) If this is neccessary to understand the story, then you have failed as a writer. You need to show the audience, not tell them. That's the difference between a story and a textbook. 3) Revealing all these details is a part of storytelling. Dumping them all in the beginning simply means you can't use their revelation to further your story. Discovering things with the MC is one of the joys of reading a book, and now you've robbed us of that experience to some extent. 4) By talking about the X levels of your world and how people struggle to climb them, you not only told us the end point of your story, but informed us that we're going to have to read what is basically the same story X times. Another mystery dead and a promise of an endlessly repetitive story. Focus - You need to trim the fat. Details, such as the fact that the MC came in his pants after his first feeding, either need to be cut out or utilized to further the narrative. I believe you were attempting to show how overwhelming of an experience his first feeding was, but you didn't go into enough detail for this fact to be anything other than a distraction. You basically skimmed through the fact that he was exhausted, breezed through his emotional state, and then described in detail the tent in his pants and the stain from his ejaculation. 1 graphic detail amongst a few brief ones sticks out like a sore thumb, and just because it's about a sexual organ doesn't make your novel more "*****." Rational - "Because the information might put you in danger" is not a constructive reason to deny a amnesiac character information about THEMSELVES. That's basically saying "because the author doesn't want the audience to know." You talk about enemies and danger as if covering your eyes will somehow make them go away. All it does is render the MC helpless to avoid these dangers and force him to stumble face first into them due to ignorance.

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