First, I have to say that this story has a decent grammar, alongside the similarly-decent pacing/structure. Nonetheless, the clarity could indeed be somewhat better, honestly speaking!
Currently, my biggest problem with this story is actually the author's relatively weak comprehension of the English language itself; So, let me explain now what I mean by that:
He likes to write many glaring awkward sentences in a paragraph, and it's not just one or two sentences, here and there, - the entire chapters are filled with them, to be honest!
It simply doesn't 'flow' well with the native speakers, such as myself, as it really takes away from the overall immersion, and the readability, of the entire story we're supposed to read here!
Therefore, even though he has a nice vocabulary, and writes in a grammatically correct way, it still doesn't feel authentic to an English native speaker, who likes to read with care and doesn't just skim over the words, looking for wish fulfillment moments,
Basically, even though it's not exactly on the "Engrish" level of writing, so to speak, it's really coming close to that, in fact!
However, if you're in a similar bracket as the author, regarding your English grasp levels, then I guess that this won't be much of a problem for you, in the end!
As for general writing; It has some nice ideas, but it also appears quite unrealistic, most of the time (this could also maybe attributed to the previous point).
TL/DR: If you're an English native, I genuinely recommend staying off this story in the future!
