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LifeLessCorpse
LifeLessCorpseLv54yr
2020-06-15 01:13

The execution is quite unique and very entertaining so I'll just say this: "The blood of the First Lies in your roots So now quench your thirst For negotiations are moot" Pls keep entertaining me with your writing

Liked by 32 people

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Supreme_Devil
Supreme_DevilLv4

I was listening to Nirvana -smells like a ****, and read the comment on the specific part that says "entertain us", what a legendary coincidence!!

Other Reviews
NotYourCat
NotYourCatLv11

There are times when the story that you like, become the story that you dislike because of the idealist of author want to force some plot he want... Example: The Last of Us 2 And this story It become annoying when author nerfed the MC just because he want to write bull**** rivalry... Moreover the rival is random OC, we don't care about him, and it's make the story less enjoyable. Good Rivalry needs some build up, and not randomly he is as strong as the MC, altho you write some reason why he is that strong, that just become like your unneeded reasoning for that forced plot. IMHO, rivalry plot is not gonna works in fanfics, because majority of the reader doesn't care for the rival. That will be different in original novel.because you can build up the rival, but in this story... No... I don't think it'll works... You just make many of your reader feel irritated if you forced it... Will still read it but let's see... Maybe I will drop it if some forced plot that's make me feel uncomfortable still happen... Oh, forgot to say, I recently always commented something like this when do review Please thinking about what kind of feeling you want to deliver to reader, do you want the reader feel blood pumping while reading your story, feeling relaxed, feeling sadness, or feeling happy, you should incorporate it to the plot... Think if you write this chapter will the reader feeling what I want they to felt, if I write this paragraph, will the reader feel what I want they to felt, etc... So the story you make will not become random plot without feeling, and also not triggered your reader

Tsukimikado
TsukimikadoLv4

I do not see a lot of grammar mistakes so that part is good but others?? Ohh boi, where do i even start. First, Tsunade only left Konoha nearing the end of second war because Dan die near the end of the third the reason being she is still there in konoha during Anko's cursed mark sealing flashback helping Anko with Hiruzen. Do u remember who is the same generation as Anko if not earlier? Kakashi and bunch meaning she still there during third war. So your baseless bashing of her in last few chapters left a bad taste. Yes Nawaki may died during the Second but not Dan. Also that means Tsunade is also at Konoha during Mito funeral, i mean seriously, u r forcing Tsunade who loves her grandparents way too much too out of character. Lastly, really, i mean really of all female character u chose Kushina, make no mistake, i like her and all but this also botched the canon future and i can not see the good point about it. Just way too idealistic. Plot armor is only in moderation plus doing your research about characters before u write them. Uzushiokagure case is a curious one since Kishi left a black hole in that plot in any case Hiruzen is the best military leader since he won two wars with scheming and all but he is a joke during peace time, i mean he won the second war when he do not have many SS class shinobi with him iirc only him and sakumo since the sannin were still young during that time only at the end they fought Hanzo and became famous and during the third war he prolonged the fight to nuture Minato and BOOM. He may have profitted from Uzushiogakure and Iwa, Kumo, Kiri war i do not see him selling info about the seals. Those three village only aim at Uzumaki clan because they want their bloodline and seal technique and being eliminating one of Konoha's main ally is a huge bonus to that. If Hiruzen knew about it quicker he can two pronged the villages and won it rather than prolonging it at the cost of its many shinobi lives.

Baki9933
Baki9933Lv3

First, I have to say that this story has a decent grammar, alongside the similarly-decent pacing/structure. Nonetheless, the clarity could indeed be somewhat better, honestly speaking! Currently, my biggest problem with this story is actually the author's relatively weak comprehension of the English language itself; So, let me explain now what I mean by that: He likes to write many glaring awkward sentences in a paragraph, and it's not just one or two sentences, here and there, - the entire chapters are filled with them, to be honest! It simply doesn't 'flow' well with the native speakers, such as myself, as it really takes away from the overall immersion, and the readability, of the entire story we're supposed to read here! Therefore, even though he has a nice vocabulary, and writes in a grammatically correct way, it still doesn't feel authentic to an English native speaker, who likes to read with care and doesn't just skim over the words, looking for wish fulfillment moments, Basically, even though it's not exactly on the "Engrish" level of writing, so to speak, it's really coming close to that, in fact! However, if you're in a similar bracket as the author, regarding your English grasp levels, then I guess that this won't be much of a problem for you, in the end! As for general writing; It has some nice ideas, but it also appears quite unrealistic, most of the time (this could also maybe attributed to the previous point). TL/DR: If you're an English native, I genuinely recommend staying off this story in the future!

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