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Thissmithy_Manga
Thissmithy_MangaLv133yr
2021-05-17 01:28

nothing much really happens, its practically a diary not a novel and is 80 percent inner monologue. its like I'm reading someone talking about themselfs constantly and the never shut up or have anything important to say that involves the story.

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Bukaro
BukaroAuthor

I really started writing my ramblings as I didn't think the novel would have any attention and thought I would leave it for chapter 40. I made several mistakes at the beginning and I'm barely fixing it, I'm sorry if I wasted your time.

Thissmithy_Manga
Thissmithy_MangaLv13

I'm not trying to discourage you or anything, I genuinely thought that if you cut out 50 percent of the not needed monologue and focused more on whats happening in the moment of the story, plot development and character and relationship development youd have a much better story. for instance the weapons master is supposed to be emotionally undeveloped and in any good story would need courting in some form or fashion, showing an interest in her as a woman or at least somthing to break down her emotional guard would have been welcome but we don't really get that and women are just naturally interested in him for whatever reason and he can't even sort out his own thoughts on the matter. overall he doesn't want a harem, then he does. he doesn't want a loving relationship then he does but says he can't because he needs to have a harem, it just goes on and on in an infuriating cycle of denial, acceptance then denial again mixed with an excuse then some stupid reason on why he was being too indecisive, the mc just makes up excuses on why he shouldn't do something he obviously wants to do, instead of just doing it and living with the consequences good or bad.

Bukaro:I really started writing my ramblings as I didn't think the novel would have any attention and thought I would leave it for chapter 40. I made several mistakes at the beginning and I'm barely fixing it, I'm sorry if I wasted your time.
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Thissmithy_Manga
Thissmithy_MangaLv13

all in all I hope you take into account some of my suggestions because I do believe you have some talent in writing but but a lack of direction in terms of dialogue between two or more people. I wish you the best in the future and hope you can improve because I believe you can 😊

Bukaro:I really started writing my ramblings as I didn't think the novel would have any attention and thought I would leave it for chapter 40. I made several mistakes at the beginning and I'm barely fixing it, I'm sorry if I wasted your time.
image
Bukaro
BukaroAuthor

Yes, in later chapters I have already eliminated most of the internal dialogue, I have focused on the interactions between characters and I justify the attitude of the MC. I am currently trying to improve the quality of my writing.

Thissmithy_Manga:I'm not trying to discourage you or anything, I genuinely thought that if you cut out 50 percent of the not needed monologue and focused more on whats happening in the moment of the story, plot development and character and relationship development youd have a much better story. for instance the weapons master is supposed to be emotionally undeveloped and in any good story would need courting in some form or fashion, showing an interest in her as a woman or at least somthing to break down her emotional guard would have been welcome but we don't really get that and women are just naturally interested in him for whatever reason and he can't even sort out his own thoughts on the matter. overall he doesn't want a harem, then he does. he doesn't want a loving relationship then he does but says he can't because he needs to have a harem, it just goes on and on in an infuriating cycle of denial, acceptance then denial again mixed with an excuse then some stupid reason on why he was being too indecisive, the mc just makes up excuses on why he shouldn't do something he obviously wants to do, instead of just doing it and living with the consequences good or bad.
Bukaro
BukaroAuthor

Thanks for the comments, I like to receive suggestions and criticisms since they allow me to improve <3

Thissmithy_Manga:all in all I hope you take into account some of my suggestions because I do believe you have some talent in writing but but a lack of direction in terms of dialogue between two or more people. I wish you the best in the future and hope you can improve because I believe you can 😊
Other Reviews
Yuri_is_Ntr
Yuri_is_NtrLv5

Now I remember why I dislike your first novel. You ask me what this novel about : Well... Something like this. 30 percent of mc thinking about how shit his personality is. 30 percent of mc thinking what girls personality is. 30 percent of thinking about his future plans. 10 percent of actual actions or dialogs between characters. You see a problem here? Maina characters thought is 90 % narrated what happens in retrospective or bitching about girls/his own problems /his future plans. That's not a novel. That's fucking diary. Of bipolar main character. Why I call him bipolar? He doesn't actually comes to conclusions. Develop over times. He switches opinion. If at first he was against long term relationships. He then just accept it. Without actually liking shigure in that moment. Harem? He likes only shigure but started to make plans. Why and how? I don't know. He doesn't actually receive any stimulus to think that way. System quest doesn't actually give him anything noteworthy. He doesn't come to like any others girls. He just wants to make harem now. Great. That's not a character development, mate. That's an illness. Changing you mindset without any reason - is literally bipolarity. Of course before you need to bitch about it. Half a chapter, minimum. Of course. His constant bitching is what get me mad. In first chapters we see someone who have obvious flaws but have a strong character - now he just a bitch who afraid of anything. And like to bash himself and talk how evil he is and how evil he's plans. Without actually showing it. Perfecto, comrade. I don't if his promised character development would actually make it more tolerated. But 10 chapters in, and all I see is nagging . It's like swimming in hot pot that every time keeps rising temperature. It's painful.

THORN
THORNLv1
SOMMO_ARCANO
SOMMO_ARCANOLv2
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