chapter 11

Upon leaving the therapist's office and returning to his apartment, Li Qi was upset regarding the last comment the therapist made and began to say out loud, ""Are you upset because no family has adopted you from the shelter?" Why do I bother? What's the point? You fool! Do strangers become your family just because they take you to live in their house? Strangers will continue to be strangers. Idiot! I don't know why I go to this therapist; he asks stupid questions. What does this have to do with my disturbing nightmares? This loser is unable to solve my problem."

Li Qi sat in the dark, staring at the camera screen he uses to observe Mandolin's window, but all he could see was darkness beyond her closed window. And then he remembered something: a five-year-old boy sitting in a chair in a police station. In front of him stood a policeman, a policewoman, and four other people: two men and two women.

The policeman asked these people to decide which of them would take the child home with them, but one of the two women said,

 "No, I do not want this boy; he reminds me of the criminal who killed my daughter." 

A man said, emphasizing her words, 

"He bears the features of his father. Whenever I look at him, I see the despicable killer's face." 

The other woman replied, 

"No, he bears the features of your daughter, and we also do not want him. If not for your daughter's behavior and her way of dealing with my son, he would not have been reckless and committed this crime. She was the one who made him angry to the point of killing her. She was the one who provoked him."

Then everyone argued, and the voices raised accusations among everyone. The policewoman hugged the young child, whose wide eyes were watching what was happening right in front of him in silence. The policeman intervened and took them away from the child; then, when he returned back to the policewoman, she asked him,

 "What's going to happen to this poor child?" 

The policeman replied, 

"He's going to the orphanage; no one wants to take him; maybe this is better for him than to live with these people who might abuse him as long as they have this sick mentality." 

The policewoman kissed the child's head and said, 

"Poor boy, he has seen horrors, and what a pity he is silent and does not even cry. I feel bad for him."

Li Qi stood up, wiped a tear that had fallen on his cheek, then went to take a warm bath before heading to sleep.

While Li Qi was sleeping, he dreamed of hugging Mandolin and kissing her head, promising to change for her, to become a new person who would never again commit murder but rather be a good human being. He begged her to believe him and accept him, and then he cried and fell to the ground, kneeling in front of her and repeating, "Believe me; I will change; I love you." Mandolin replied, "How can I believe you and trust you? Isn't it possible for you to feel jealous and kill everyone around me? Or you may try to kill me again. How can I trust you when you are violent and criminal? How can I trust your reactions? Is it possible for me to trust you?" Li Qi collapsed on the ground, sobbing, and awoke from his sleep, sobbing.

Li Qi returned to the therapist on time, feeling angry and reproaching the therapist, as he said, 

"From the beginning, I came to you because of the crying problem, and you couldn't help me; then, because of the nightmares, and you couldn't help me; and now I'm crying inside the nightmares; what are you going to do? Can't you do something to help me stop all this nonsense?" 

Then he hit the armrest of the chair with his fist.

In response, the therapist commented, 

"Mr. Li Chao, I want to draw your attention to one thing, which is that she did not reject you and didn't say any of those words that you hear from her in your dreams; it's all just fantasies." 

Li Qi angrily said, 

"But she actually kicked me out." 

The therapist continued speaking,

"Why don't you see things from another perspective? Do you remember what you told me in the first session? You left her and ran away to protect her because you were afraid of hurting her when you had to choose between your sexual desire for her and the risks it involved for her safety. You chose to walk away. Not to mention, you made the decision to stay away from her. Consequently, her expelling you had no effect on your situation with her. She only confirmed your choice; you are really the one who made the decision to walk away. Perhaps you should think of the situation in this way to ease your mind and emotions and to stop feeling like an outcast and unwanted person."

Li Qi paused to consider the therapist's words, prompting the therapist to continue. 

"Don't you remember that day when your crying problem started? Were you thinking about going back to her? Did you even think about justifying your action to her? Do you remember what you were thinking?" 

Li Qi spoke as if he were hypnotized. 

"When I was running in the street, I felt like everything inside me was fighting; the blood in my veins was boiling, and I wanted to escape from myself. I was fleeing myself. and I became tired and helpless because there was no way out of myself or my fate. I hated myself at this moment, but it's unfair; I have no fault in that fate. This is an unjust and cruel fate. I felt like I was a disease that could harm everyone around me, a damned person that no one could touch without getting hurt. I am an abnormal person, and I have no escape from that."

There was a long silence between them. Perhaps the therapist was sad for Li Qi and felt sympathy for him. Then the therapist asked cautiously, 

"Mr. Li Chao, what is the nature of your sexual relations before this woman?" 

Li Qi asked, 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, you suffocate your partner during intimacy; how do you manage your affairs, or do you masturbate rather than hurting anyone?" The therapist explained. 

"I used to visit brothels, but I've stopped since following her to this city," Li Qi answered. 

"What do you mean by following her?" The therapist responded.

Li Qi replied, 

"Don't you remember what I told you in a previous session? I warned her to change her place of residence and work. And she listened to my advice and came to this city, and I came after her, but without telling her that. She does not know that I am here, and I will not go to announce my presence to her; I do not intend to impose myself on her. She rejected me and expelled me, and it is over. I'll never seek to return to her and disturb her life again. I just follow her from a distance to be sure of her safety.

The therapist commented, 

"Didn't you say that you got rid of her enemy?" 

"Yes. Well," 

Li Qi exhaled before proceeding. 

"I don't know why I'm following her; I want to see her even from a distance, no more."

The therapist asked cautiously, 

"Mr. Li Chao, you've never hurt a woman, have you? You don't hurt women, right?"

Li Qi replied, 

"I've never intended that before, and she was the first female target, so I've never done that before."

Carefully, the therapist asked, 

"Does 'intentionally' imply that you have unintentionally hurt a woman before?"

Li Qi lowered his head and said, 

"Once, while I was at a brothel, I accidentally strangled my partner until she died in my hands. I really didn't mean that; I didn't feel what I was doing; if I had felt, I would have stopped before she suffocated. After that incident, I didn't go to that place again. And I only had sex with one person, a transgender woman."

The therapist was surprised for a moment, then asked, 

"Did you choose a transgender person because you see him as a man, and if you killed him during intercourse, you wouldn't have a problem because you killed a man and not a woman? Or do you really see him as a woman?"

Li Qi was amazed at the question but replied, 

"I don't see her as a man! Of course, I see her as a woman, not as a man. But she is well built and can bear me; do you think I have no problem killing someone just because he is a prostitute? Do you think I'm that bad? I'm not a killing machine; I kill for a reason. I don't underestimate the lives of prostitutes; isn't it enough that they work in that field just to live!?"

"But don't you have a problem with her being transgender?" the therapist asked cautiously.

"Why is this a problem?" 

"Some people reject transgender people and do not accept their new identity," the therapist replied.

In distress, Li Qi said, 

"I hate discrimination, racism, bullying, and rejecting different people. I accept everyone and only hate betrayal and treachery; whoever threatens me deserves to be killed; other than that, I have no problem with anyone."

Puzzled, the therapist scratched his head and said, 

"You are a very strange person. Do you know that? You seem perfect in some aspects. I wish you would try something new—perhaps attend a university and study in any career field. I'm confident you can succeed in anything you set your mind to, even through online study, but I genuinely wish you could attend university and enjoy university life. Your fears of harming that woman can be relieved by interacting with students and by finding a new path and new interests in life. Maybe you can break the cycle of anxiety, tension, and violence surrounding you by occupying your mind with something new that will free you from negative thoughts."

Li Qi remained silent. He sat in his chair for a while, then got up and left the room without saying a word.

Reflecting on the session, the therapist took his notebook and wrote, 

"Was I being too direct? Will he consider my suggestion, or will he stop coming to me?"