This story has an interesting story arc but it needs more.
I love the story arc the writer has going on, I could tell it was going to be an adventure reading it, it was making me curious and want to read it. It has potential. The plot summary was short but it lured me in.
There are a few hiccups in grammar like sentence case, the 'were' became ‘we’re’… the usual stuff. Which I knew most writers struggle with, as I have too. The story needs more paragraphs, add the protagonist’s thoughts and feelings. So the readers would end up liking him and know him well.
Give the characters personalities, quirks, and mannerisms because the characters ended up sounding lacking (but not too much lacking though). Convey the protagonist’s feelings like rubbing his temples, his fists clenched in anger, something like that. As they said, actions speak louder than words. Add a filler scene, a relatable scene. Relatable scenes make the readers love the protagonist. I’m not used to having stuff like *pant* in the story, I do suggest on making it paragraph form, it would make the story more detailed oriented.
I do suggest giving a brief description of the characters so the reader could visualize the character.
In story development, everything was happening too fast, it became discombobulated to me. Add a few paragraphs, short or not, as long as the readers don’t get confused with the story. Don’t rush the story.
Take time to set the scene, this makes the story more tangible and real to the readers. The world-building needs more work, even with short paragraphs that could suffice.
Overall, like I said it was potential, it was a compelling story arc but it needs work.