webnovel
kingmo
kingmoLv55yr
2019-11-04 19:10

Is a kind of weird story, I don't know. So far I will read it to see if I will love it later on. I love this kind of stuff but... I will follow up with the update.

Liked by 2 people

LIKE
empty img

No replies. Be the first!

Other Reviews
WWFire
WWFireLv4

Writing style is a train wreck (especially the first 5 five chapters; barely readable): punctuation problems, capitalization problems, too much use of "...", confusing use of braces and brackets (why use this symbols for dialogue/thoughts at all?), lacking dialogue tags or action beats (author writes like a screenwriting). I have no complains for grammar though. Instead of using symbols with unclear meaning (i.e. braces or brackets), just use the standard apostrophe or quotes for thoughts and dialogues. It is your job as an author to make sure that the readers understand whether it is the character's thoughts, mind communications, or dialogues by using the standard format. Do yourself a favor by researching more on proper novel dialogue writing (punctuation too!). Here are other elements I feel that you are lacking: 1. The sense of the MC! That's right, a human has 5 sense, not just sight. How does it smells like when MC arrived in the world? When he drink the water, how does it taste like? Are there any sounds of cracking flames and wave of heat when he got near the burning mountain? If you want to create extraordinary immersion, you should improve this point. 2. What was his name again? Ah, Sam! I almost forgot his name without you mentioning it at all at chapter 10 and only once at chapter 9. 3. World building (visuals) is quite lacking in the first few chaps. You need to improve from this question: What is the MC's first impression on seeing the new world? Just "dumbfounded" or "awestruck" is not enough. If you think you can give more visualization more on the world , don't be afraid on making an extra chapter just for it. What I say is that, imagine yourself in that world, what do you see and feel in your surrounding?

Related Stories

Synthetic Survivor: Machine Age

β€œThere is this aching feeling, it pains my heart and fries my already half-human and half-machine heart. I awoke in a world of death and destruction, I am the only survivor. But this may be a blessing, this new world, this world that boasts magic, maybe I will finally bring salvation to my world, even if it causes millions of lives,” One woke with amnesia underneath the shattered remains of a once prosperous human civilization. He remembered nothing, his past or the events that happened that caused the world to become as it was. He was no longer purely human, he woke to find himself a hybrid between a man and a machine. But amid the radioactive dunes and lifeless expanse of the Earth, a lone machine network survived the disaster. After discovering that he controlled them, he set out on one goal: Rebuild. But how can he fully rebuild? For the Earth once had life but now was barren, not even bacteria survived. Until the wormhole appeared a decade later. But he was not alone, when he awoke, a voice rang in his head, who was it? It was his friend, a friend from the past. Although he does not remember her name, he still felt how important she was before even if he has lost all his humanity and memories, her name was Hailey. Follow her as she guides One a decade after he awakes, the both of them will form the most powerful machine leaders who will ever walk in the face of the two worlds. Their story will start a decade into One’s rebuilding, he now controlled a vast network of machines around the planet Earth, all focused in the effort of rebuilding the world towards its former glory, there was only one thing missing, an essential attribute which differentiated Earth from all other known planets, life. But everything changed when a wormhole opened, a breach within the fabric of space and time, opening a pathway between Earth and a world of fantasy! Follow One as he and his Empire explores this new mystical world full of elves, goblins, orcs, dwarves, ogres, humans, kingdoms, empires and magic! His goal of restoring life may be within his grasps. But that does not mean there won’t be opposition. There will be battles, wars and calamities, millions will perish in the onslaught that will soon follow. Especially, when One discovers that the new world held the secrets of the past. He will face Deities and powerful foes, will he prevail? New weapons he will smith and countries he shall wipe out, for he is, One. ----- Discord: https://discord.gg/HrTg3T8

NaranNarman Β· War
4.5
162 Chs

Seven Nation Army

Fourteen years of war nearly destroyed the world. Seven years of peace have barely held it together. The Seven Nation Army, forged from the ashes of World War III, stopped the bloodshed and vowed to protect the fragile balance. But peace has a priceβ€”and not everyone is willing to pay it. A shadow looms over the fractured world. The New World Order, a ruthless organization born of chaos, plots to tear apart the fragile ceasefire. Their vision? Burn the old world to the ground and rebuild it on their terms. At the forefront of this conflict, Bravo Squad stands as humanity's shield. Led by Captain Sohel Choudhury, callsign "Ghost," this elite unit faces a daunting task: unravel the NWO's plans before the world is plunged into World War IV. But trust is scarce, alliances are fickle, and the battlefield is no longer confined to nationsβ€”it’s everywhere. Victory isn’t guaranteed, but failure means the end of everything. β€” β€œIf taking one life can save a thousand, we have to pull the trigger. If that one life is at the end of your barrel, and you won't be able to take the shot, leave this room right now. Because if you don't take the shot, your enemy will. And he won't hesitate. I assembled you here to win a war, not to turn all of you into cannon fodder.” Sohel took a deep breath and looked out over his squad. β€œNow, let me ask again, does anybody want to leave? Does anyone here think that he'd not be able to pull the trigger?” The room buzzed with one synchronized sound, β€œNo, sir.”

Captain_Sadistic Β· War
4.7
101 Chs