webnovel
TFH
TFHLv65yr
2019-09-10 03:35

k... the novel is fine but there are a lot of things to improve on it, starting with. 1. Its been a while now since a lot of people point out that you wrote 28 years old in chapter 1 when it should be 18 and it still hasnt been fixed despite you thanking a reader for pointing it out and its been months!!!!. 2.world announcements as sometimes it shows the level of the monster, others, it dosnt. Its important for the level to be known as its a difference killing a lvl 10 boss while being same level than killing it while being lvl 30 for example. 3.At the start, it was said that the time was twice as long in the game but then it was said that it was only 12 hours longer and then it got increased that 1 real-world day is 2 days inside which is what was said from the start..... 3. the stats of Amanda in the game are way to high for someone level 7, her stats are 119 in total - 30 stats per level - 60 stats supposing she got all 10 like shadow = 29... Meaning her equipment adds 29 points to her stats in total, thats way to much...... either its that way, she got more than 10 in stats at the start or you messed that up. 4. It bothers me a lot the start of the novel with Shadow and Amanda having to run for accidentally instantly killing the senator's son by making him trip on a rock... even if that was enough to damage his head it won't be enough to instantly kill the guy unless he was to fall on his head from a few meters and im sure that he could have reached the hospital alive even if he were to die from bleeding inside the head. 4. it wasnt stated how the gang found out that mc "killed" the rich guy son. 5. how come Amanda was working full time as the boss of a restaurant if she was THAT good in the game and she could earn thousands dollars... dosnt makes sense and she is even higher level than MC and he is OP 6. Amanda's friend Jeny seems to be from a powerful family, how come she couldn't help Amanda from the rich guy? From what i can see, Jeny could have helped Amanda with no problems 7. how is it possible for a normal guy and girl to escape a hunt from a criminal gang plus the justice for killing a person, not to mention the senator's son!!!, the pair would captured fast and easy as they had a criminal organization and the government searching for them.... and even him becoming a high paid assassin while doing so lol... where did he even get the money for that!! 9. The mc calls little girl the sister of his friend but she is 18 years old, same age as the mc.... LOL 10. why he didnt buy a helmet for Tina? the sister of his best friend? 11. The mc wants money but as soon as he gets a new equipment he tosses the one he had out! lol, he can sell those! 12. Not much is known about the classes, not even the assasin class as what they can or cant do... Such as use 1 or 2 daggers 13. No world announcement was given when the mc CREATED a skill... you would think that such an amazing thing would create a world annoucement but nothing happened... All things considered, this leads me to believe that you dont have any guide while writing this nor you are keeping track of things. Its likely that you must go back to read what you wrote on X chapter to remember instead of writing down important things on a separate file. I recommend using excel or google sheets to keep track of things K... try to improve the world background a little and give some more physycal description of your characters. Pls be consistent with the information given

Liked by 145 people

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Replies13
ProfessorSomething
ProfessorSomethingLv12

Novel is good And you have a strong resons and i agree with you The only reson this novel is good its because of plot Author did make a lot of mistakes with detail And one more thing I don't know if a mc has died yet When he had fighting gobling it did said Luckly this is a game uf not a will die a 3 times Know i don know if he had die or not?

ProfessorSomething
ProfessorSomethingLv12

Novel is good And you have a strong resons and i agree with you The only reson this novel is good its because of plot Author did make a lot of mistakes with detail And one more thing I don't know if a mc has died yet When he had fighting gobling it did said Luckly this is a game uf not a will die a 3 times Know i don know if he had die or not? Sory for eng

Figurante
FiguranteLv4

Pra que um anúncio mundial? Ridículo.

berxeq
berxeqLv5

love this review .

Deng_Alias
Deng_AliasLv1

this is the best recesionù

Werebare
WerebareLv14

Wasn't the MC 28 at the beginning? He left the orphanage at 18, but then lived on his own til 28, when he saves the girl and goes on the run?

Sacredmoonlights
SacredmoonlightsLv5

Haha Look like there is a lot of plot holes

Kritiko
KritikoLv10

Then I won't be reading this. I'm a picky reader.

Mark_Tubesa
Mark_TubesaLv13

a

Zalman_Pendragon
Zalman_PendragonLv11

it's amazing

Zalman_Pendragon
Zalman_PendragonLv11

I agree

Zalman_Pendragon:it's amazing
Klesk
KleskLv14

u mentioned a few things.. but half of them aren't that bad.. there are tons and heaps of other flaws since the beginning

warriorofnorth
warriorofnorthLv15

ok so the author said in his note if anyone give a low rating i will delete it, thats enough for anyone to turn them away from this novel

Other Reviews
BravoEchoVictor
BravoEchoVictorLv4
Ibuprofen
IbuprofenLv12

Needs a tonne of work, props to the author and I wish him/her the best of luck. I must say, the first chapter was imho, freaking terrible. It was all over the place, nonsensical mish mash of all the best stuff someone could think of for a modern day mc slapped together into an abomination called Michael. I seriously could not bring myself to read another chapter, I dont say this to discourage the author, it's hard to write! I understand that it isn't easy. This book needs some serious editing and the author needs to just sit and relax a bit, your mc never has to be the everything guy! The best things about characters in novels arent their perfections but their imperfections! All their flaws make them come alive and make your readers empathise with them through their journey! The best thing you can do for your audience is to make them always think about the qualities of our creations that resonate with them! Connecting with them makes your story stand out from the rest of the monotonous garbage that litters this app. You should (If you haven't already but suggesting by the hazardous writing that feels like its come straight from your head to being published) brain storm ideas, the direction you want to go, important antagonists and/or ideas for ones to come! Major turning points in your story that will affect your mc in major ways! These sort of plot points are needed so you can have some sort of direction to love in otherwise it becomes a mess, something that becomes harder to fix the longer you go. Never start the fillings before you've conquered your outline and outlook of where you want your story to go! You may not read this but I seriously hope this helps if you do kind regards

GodharemZ
GodharemZLv13
Hayato_Shinohara
Hayato_ShinoharaLv10

So I know the author is extremely sensitive in hearing negative reviews, but I have to be honest. As much as the premise does to serve the fans with things they (including myself) would like (such as VRMMO concepts, Romance, Strong powers etc.) It has a very important issue of execution. From the first chapter, I can quote what others have been saying which boils down to it "being all over the place". It tells us what is going on rather than showing, but in a very loose method. It does not keep a focus and ultimately, becomes uncomfortable to read. Each chapter should have a purpose. The *flow* and *transitioning* of each sentence and paragraph should be strong and easy to follow through. What I would advise is for the author to look at *how* other authors write their books. Yes, I say "how" becasue I feel that the writing style needs to change. It can get exhausting, especially if a lot of chapters have been completed. Let's say you learned a lot from other books and finally came up with a better style – it'd take a long time to fix all of it. I understand. However, if that's the case I would get an editor to help you out. There's plenty of authors who would do that in the discord for Webnovel/RoyalRoad. For other works, I'd analyze how Sword Art Online, Rising of the Shield Hero or Library of Heaven's Path wrote their chapters and their style of conveying their messages to their audience. Plot wise, make sure when writing a scene to imagine how the readers will feel about that scene when comparing it to the *previous chapters*. For example, if the main cast fought and won against a guild of people but then suffers against several weaker hunters later on, there should be a reason *why* they are struggling in the very least, or else it will leave them confused. Overall, great job with nearly 3 million views and good luck with the rest! 👍🏻

Vayne_0688
Vayne_0688Lv2
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