Hi, here is my swap review.
Before I begin, I just want to say that this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to be mean or offensive.
First of all, the title is really eye catching so congrats on that. The blurb is also interesting.
Writing quality
It's pretty good, no major grammatic errors or anything like that. I do suggest maybe experimenting with sentence length. However, it felt really dry because most of the time I was stuck in the mc's head. Please consider show not tell; a lot of writers find it hard balancing the two, myself too. But it is paramount that you get the right balance. I suggest writer Jenna Moreci's youtube channel. Show me the character argue with her father, show me the character's mom leaving. Don't tell me because it takes away from the story and as a reader I don't feel sympathy to her. I won't be able to feel that connection that makes me root for her and want to read just one more page to see what she does next.
Story development
It's the first time I have ever given someone a one star for this, and it may seem like I'm being mean or too critical, BUT, love, I was stuck with the Mc for 5 chapters and the inciting incident did not happen. You are just showing me this girl going to school, coming home, going to school. And that's 5 chapters of nothing happening. I know, but stuff is happening! Technically no, your character is not being proactive. The plot is not developing. I'm five chapters in and all I know is a teenage girl who has daddy issues dreams of this guy, who seems to be from another world?
The dialogue also isn't being used efficiently. The voices of the characters should be distinctive.
Character Design
I really don't mean to be offensive, but I literally feel no sympathy for the mc. She's not being proactive, literally just complaining about how awful her life is and being a whiny brat. From the title and the blurb I got the impression that the main character will be a nice mature lady, or at least someone like you said, daring and mischievous and fun. Instead, it was a teenage girl being emo and overdramatic about her life. Instead of liking her and rooting for her, I just thought she was annoying.
I know that sounds super daunting, but there's a simple fix to that. When you introduce your character, even if she's not proactive (doing something to move the plot along or get what she wants) you should pick her good qualities and highlight them by showing it. For example, is the main character kind and helpful? - Show her help a lost kid. Is the character a brat with a good heart? - Show her being mean to a shop clerk, then go and show a girl thanking her for helping her out with the clerk. The first chapter, you should cash in to the good/heroic qualities of the mc and build sympathy.
As for world back ground, are we in modern society? What about this world the male lead I'm assuming is from? Why are you telling me the mc's family history in the beginning? to make her seem pitiful? but that works against you, you should show it instead (e.g. have an awkward family dinner). Think about ways to pepper the world background/history throughout your work and not all at the beginning. Dialogue is a really good way to show the world background.
The emoji's are really cute, but don't rely on them to show how your mc is feeling.
I will be really honest, please don't hate me, but I read a lot of novels and I've seen this sort of idea of a strong female lead and male lead that acts as a damsel in distress a lot. Maybe think of a little twist to make it more fun, your own little thing. Maybe make the male lead partially blind during the full moon and he gets in trouble because he forgets and that's how the female lead comes to his rescue and he takes a liking to her? I suggest that maybe dropping hints of their fated connection and use it as a reveal or a midpoint twist later on. Just a suggestion you don't have to do any of this.
I recommend Jerry Jenkins. He has a free blog with so many free resources on everything, and a youtube channel.
Anyway, I hope I did not crush you too badly. Wish you luck!
