07/02/2018, 6:38pm

Hello again,

is it strange that writing down my "feelings" on these pages somehow helped me get through last night? I know it is. But it helped last night so I have to try it once more.

How about a proper introduction? Who am I? What do I want? That sort of thing...

Well, I am Sasha Marie Holton. I am 16 years old. I live with my grandmama Mary and Uncle Harry. My mom and dad are divorced and they have their own families where I am not welcome. They like to pretend I am a "part of their family" but I can always tell that I'm not. The first time I realized this was when I went to visit my dad and his new wife at their NY apartment and they just had a 1 bedroom loft. They slept on a mattress in the living room and let me have their bed for the night but I knew that this only meant I was a guest here. Dad seemed very apologetic when I was leaving just after 3 days. He told me I was always welcome but the fake smile plastered on my step mom's face told me otherwise.

I thought I had a chance at my mom's place. My mom is the one who divorced my dad first. I was just 5 and don't remember much except for the fact that it was very hard to breath sometime just missing her and hearing about how "the slut" ran away with an "ex boyfriend". My dad and I moved back here with grandmama and Uncle Harry right after their divorce. It was never sunshine and rainbows. Dad never paid me much attention. Grandmama barely talked to me unless she had to and Uncle Harry....well, Uncle Harry was very nice to me. But I didn't like the way he would talk to me when no one was around and the way he would look at me. Of course I get it all now...back then, as a 5 year old, I couldn't make sense of it.

Then dad met Terese when I was 12 and left town to go live with her in her NYC loft.

Mom never calls, but I knew she lived just a few blocks away from grandmama's house. I visited her once after I came back from dad's place in New York, hoping that she would take one look at me, realize that I look just like her, that I am her flesh and blood and let me move in with her. I was wrong.

She asked me not to show up unannounced. Did not invite me in. She seemed...almost scared of me. As if I was a disease she was going to catch.

I will never visit her again. I will try to forget that she is my mother. I don't really need anyone at this point.

I'm tired dear diary. It's nice you know? It's nice to be able to tell you all that I don't even tell myself. Maybe I will fall in love with you diary....

Time to get some home work done and get ready for another day tomorrow. Bye for now!

- Sasha