Like many stories I've read by new authors, this one unsurprisingly improved over time. I found the story to be more engaging and interesting in the later chapters. Particularly, I enjoyed the novel starting from chapter 6, despite two issues: a. it had elements of gore, and b. it took me some time to figure out what was happening as the story switched from one death to another in a confusing manner.
Here are some areas I believe could be improved upon:
1. Grammar: This is a crucial aspect that deserves attention. As a reader, significant grammar issues in the first chapter, in particular, would lead me to drop a book. Sentence construction, word spelling, phrase choices, and ambiguous expressions could be improved. Here are a few examples I noticed in the first few chapters. I wish there was an easier way to suggest these edits on webnovel. Leaving comments on edits didn't feel like an efficient use of that feature, not to mention the arduous process of successfully leaving a single comment. For instance: "'God**,' I said, staring at the half-open meatball sub spilling out of the crosswalk" - I didn't understand the meaning behind this. "I released a scream of pain..." - this could be phrased better. "This blessing grant double growth the its user" - did you mean "to its user"? These are just a few random examples; there are many more.
2. Understanding references: I had trouble comprehending some references, especially those related to the game HUD (heads-up display) interface. Examples include terms like "aoe" or "atk" or phrases like "let fall damage be off," which the main character mentioned while falling.
3.The protagonist's intelligence: This might be by design, but the main character comes across as unintelligence, particularly when dismissing Okra's, attempts to explain important information after being given a second chance.
4.Lack of context: In the initial chapters, I felt there was too little context and an overwhelming amount of dialogue. It felt rushed and difficult to relate to. Perhaps this is because I'm introverted, but I truly started enjoying the story from chapters 6 to 9, where things became clearer. The main character's thoughts, emotions, the setting, and the other characters were better explained.
5.Character diversity and development: I would like to see the main character interacting with other substantial characters (not just fleeting ones who disappear after a few paragraphs). More interaction with Ocura, or the god, or some friends and enemies would be interesting. Or maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. idk.
These are merely my opinions, and personal taste plays a significant role. You may choose to ignore all of these suggestions. As a new author myself, I don't claim to know much, nor do I consider myself a skilled writer. These are simply my thoughts as a reader.
By the way, I'm curious about what caused the fate of the main character at the end of the first chapter. Is there a mystery surrounding it?
Overall:
I appreciate how the story escalated and continued to develop.
I enjoyed the descriptive and methodical nature of chapters 6, especially 7, 8, and 9.
The suspense at the end of chapter 9 was good (although I was confused as to why the main character attacked someone who had extended an olive branch, considering his professed high sense of justice).
I also appreciate the sense of humor in the story.
Cheers. Hope this helps. I keep an eye out for future chapters.
