Reviews of Assassins Rebellion

I like how collaborative the first couple of chapters were. The author is hellbent on improving, and that's as good an indicator as anything that s/he will. That said, this story in particular has its moments, but for me it's not quite there yet. For the writing quality, other reviewers and/or commenters have already pointed out the major issues, so I'll just add a few. It's not a comprehensive nitpick, though. I encourage the author to learn how to spot these mistakes when s/he proofreads. "...her gaze *meat* a gas tank." "That it can *open break* a..." --> should be "break open" "The man she needs to say 'dad' to him." --> try reading dubious sentences like this out loud, it will be easier to notice what's wrong with it. Capitalization: "Dragon faction," --> this seems to be a proper noun. If so, the quotations can be removed, and capitalize both: Dragon Faction. (Also, the paragraph about its "core members" seems to have been repeated over two chapters.) More improper use of capitalization: "Kayla *Thinks*..." "Valentina will die a slow, *Enjoyable* death" --> "enjoyable death" brings something else to mind; might want to change the word used here. "I will *Rebel*! I will *Kill*!" Story development seems rushed in places. After MC escapes, she spends six months in hiding, but her thoughts and feelings did not change in that time. Her thirst for revenge could have become more refined. She could also have calmed down and tried to work out why previous events happened. For a fifteen-year-old character, the MC's portrayal is accurate, I guess? I haven't seen much of the world yet because I have not read enough. The details for the spaces she is in are good, they showed promise for how the bigger background would be. Keep wanting to improve, author, and you will. Good luck :)

Hello Mr. Forsaken, I read the first three chapters of your new novel and then I had to stop. Let's break it down into different parts: Language: I guess english is not your first language and, judging by the way you write, you're probably not even european. For non-europeans, english grammar and writing can be a big hurdle to overcome. I highly suggest you write in your original language first, then maybe slowly transition to english. Anyway, if you're dead set on writing in english, I can suggest few things. First, KEEP IT SIMPLE. That's the biggest advice for all new writers. Even I had to keep syntax and grammar easy and very linear, when I first started. And I'm talking about writing in my first language. Last Wish System, one of the most popular original novel on this website, has an incredibly ****** story and syntax. It's too ****** even for me, but people like that kind of thing. Parataxis and clean writing is the way! Second, you MUST find someone who knows english, possibly a mothertongue. Sell your left hand (we guys only need one hand after all lol) if you have to, but you need someone to correct your grammar in order to improve. The storyline and original content are the main engine for web novels, but refined writing is always very appreciated by native speakers. Overall, I'd give you a 2/5 for grammar. Story? Man, I don't want to be harsh, but the way your novel is written makes really hard to get the story. I really couldn't get to the point at all. You need to fix the grammar and style first. I'd give it a 3/5 waiting for the writing to be polished. Now I want to stress one thing for your personal development. Readers can't actually read mind. Bad news, I know, but they really can't. You left A LOT of details unspoken and you wrote too hastily. Let's take for example: "Kaylah knows she has limited time to escape, and running from her pursuers will not be easy. But she knows the local area and has plotted her escape route towards the "Dragon faction," the rulers of the northern slums. She heads towards the Dragonites base, a small part of the faction her father was part of. Kaylah needs to lose her pursuers before she even thinks of directly entering the area. She heads towards a clothing salon because she has a deal with the owner. She will pay four times the price of whatever she grabs at a later time." Dragon Faction? Who the friggin' heck are they mate? I like FOLLOW UPS: you write about smth/smn and BANG write two paragraphs to explain who they are, what they are, if they are ga* or not and whatever. This needs to be done without weighing down on the overall style and flow. Side notes: - Do not use the present tense - You don't need a comma after and (check conjunctions)

I am assuming that this is still in the early drafts as I've noticed some typos and other grammar errors that could have easily been checked through rereading. Writing-wise, the author prefers a direct exposition style which I think is good for stories with a lot of actions such as this. However, there are some instances where the author is already telling not showing. Perhaps, adding more descriptions or rewording some phrases may help. I think the author should also try experimenting on different sentence structures to make the actions scenes more realistic, and to improve the flow of the narrative. (Please check your comment section. I've noted the grammar issues I've mentioned and also some other notes.) For the characters, the main character, Kaylah, seems to be a likable kickass female lead. The concepts of thieves and assassins also managed to introduced the novel's 'setting' a bit though there really isn't much to comment on. To be fair, only the first two chapters have been posted so there really isn't much to critique. Overall, I think the plot of the novel is really intriguing. I look forward to how the story will develop.

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