Prelude 3 - Ending on a high and starting off in the hands of CP9

"You don't have to buy all this stuff for me," Annie complained in a defeated tone for the hundredth time.

"My sister owned two bedsheets and two and a half towels. Trust me, you're going to need this," Dave countered as he packed another super soft bathrobe onto the pile on their shopping cart.

After breakfast, where Annie wouldn't look either of the two siblings in the eyes, Dave, Britta, and Annie talked about Annie moving into the apartment. Monday morning, he took the two women shopping for necessities and clothes. It was a long drive, but they did eventually reach a store that was advertised as high-class, environmentally friendly, and selling only products of companies that 'respected animals as much as people'.

The cynic in him wanted to say the last phrase probably meant they respect both as little as they could get away with. But his sister had shut up about wasteful spending and supporting 'big capitalists' with his money after he showed her their website.

"Just don't think she owes you sex after you pay for all of this. I've seen this happen too often," Britta said at the checkout once Dave paid.

With a deadpan, he looked to her and moments later said with a sigh, "You make it so hard to like you sometimes... let's go to the electronics store and buy you some things that weren't made at the cost of childrens' lives and all that."

In the end, Dave bought a few missing pieces of furniture that would be delivered later, a whole new wardrobe for both girls, new phones and a laptop for each, a camera for his sister, and necessities that barely fit in his rented car.

"You know what I want to know? I know you're terrible with money... so when you say you have seen 'this' happen too often, exactly how often did you go through with such a transaction? What's the cheapest thing you've accepted for 'this'?"

"Shut up," Britta offered in reply as she sat on the passenger's seat of the car. "I'm not ashamed of my body. The patriarchy would try to pull us down, but I-"

"Okay, okay. Does the matriarch still need new underwear, or are we going home?"

"...she would like some comfortable panties and a bra that doesn't poke into her ribs," Britta weakly answered after Dave stared at her for a minute.

Late into the night, Troy and Abed were sitting in the living room of Britta's apartment. Dave and the two were watching an anime on the new TV as Dave and Abed discussed if dubbed or subbed was better.

The two boys had come over to help Annie move after Dave gave them a call, and it didn't take long this time around because Annie left most of her furniture behind.

And no matter how often Dave reassured her that he did this because she was Britta's friend, the guilt of 'taking advantage of him' didn't lessen. It briefly vanished completely when he had enough and showed her his various bank accounts, but the guilt came back anyway eventually.

The stuff he bought that day was worth more than everything she had in her apartment combined by a lot after all. Their brand-new washing machine was currently washing her new bedsheets that were softer than anything she had ever touched before and the bra she got at that expensive store was more comfortable than any bra she had ever worn before.

"Ugh, I feel terrible," Britta muttered in the kitchen, drinking expensive wine that Dave had recommended with the help of his butler.

"Yeah, I know he keeps saying it's okay, but I don't feel very comfortable that he dumped so much money on us," Annie agreed with a conflicted expression as she paced in the kitchen.

"Just uh, treat this as regular girl talk," Britta said slowly, overplaying her drunkenness to hide her own embarrassment at trying to whore out her friend to lessen her guilt. "Do you have any pretty friends other than me that you would feel comfortable being naked with?"

Annie blushed at the question since she knew how Britta arrived at it, but still tried to play oblivious.

"Nooo? Why would you ask me that?"

"Just curious. Any major kinks, Annie? Ever tried putting something in-"

"Eeeek!" Annie squealed as she ran out with a panicked look.

"I wouldn't want to eat Luffy's fruit. I wouldn't be able to live in that world without trying to find out if I'm made out of gum or bubblegum," Troy said as Annie entered the living room. She tried to busy herself by placing coasters under the boys' drinks but she didn't even need to do anything because they were so immersed in their discussion.

Abed looked to Troy and asked, "You fear you'd try to eat your own fingers to check if you taste like bubblegum?"

"I knew I would. I'd fear how many fingers it would take until my curiosity is satisfied with the answer."

Dave just laughed at the antics of Troy and enjoyed discussing comics and mangas with the two. He already knew what he could leave them in his will. Anything for his sister who would simply not accept all he had left in this world - making her friends happy would likely help her get over it and accept his inheritance.

It was two days later, and Dave had just come from a meeting with the dean, vice dean and board members of Greendale who had accepted his offer to start a veterinary course at the community college since he offered to pay one and a half as much as was needed to build and equip it all. He even paid for the staff with his own trust for five years without them having to pay him a share of the tuition.

He made his way to study room F to meet up with the group. Once there the study group was all present except for Annie. He asked, "Is it just me or does the vice dean look exactly like John Goodman?"

Abed perked up and looked at Dave with shining eyes, "Yes, he does! I've been saying it for two years now but nobody seems to know who John Goodman even is. It's weird."

"And this ragtag group of cutups is my study group. Gang~ this is Annie Kim from my Poli-Sci class," Annie introduced as she entered with a beautiful, nerdy asian girl her age.

The two had a little back-and-forth on their high school GPA as Annie talked about starting a model UN here in Greendale. Britta was barely present the entire time, staring at a flier with the headline 'Free the Damascus Three'.

"Did you already explore that Dean Pelton looks like a slightly more feminine Moby?"

Abed once more turned to Dave to answer his question, "I feel like we didn't, but we'll probably explore that this season. Maybe an impostor taking over the school or someone orchestrates him as a puppet. Chang is very likely to do that."

"Season?" Dave asked and Troy answered, "Don't worry about it, it's just how Abed talks. It helps if he puts the world around him in a more manageable framework."

"Okay... I wanted to ask last time, but why does the table look like it was attacked by an axe by the way?"

"Jeff was gassed with monkey-gas last week when the semester started," Pierce offered in explanation.

Dave looked at the group with a lifted eyebrow and only answered a suspicious, "I see..."

What followed was three days of Annie beefing with Annie Kim on who would be allowed to run the model UN and Britta losing her mind over being no longer 'woke'. The model UN thing was especially disheartening to Dave because it dashed his hopes of having a threesome with two women with the same name.

It was a sort of bonus item on his bucket list since having one with twins wouldn't be in his stars and while having a mother-daughter pair sounded sexy on paper, the logistics were a little creepy in the real non-porn world.

Dave would cut his losses and at least cherish the talks about parallel dimensions with Abed that the UN-off between two UNs led by Annie and Annie Kim had sparked. After his death he would likely have a big laugh about those four hours of discussion.

His laughter would only increase when Dave would think about Abed talking about Jeff creating six timelines by throwing a dice at Troy and Abed's housewarming party to decide who would get the pizza from downstairs. Or about the eight different timelines they created by throwing a D8 D&D dice to decide who would have to partner with Pierce for charades at Annie and Britta's housewarming party the day after.

At Halloween, the Greendale Community College would host a 'Scare-tacular dance' in the cafeteria. Troy, Abed, Annie and Dave were wearing a group outfit. Annie had a purple cowboy hat, a short frilly purple skirt and a purple vest-top on. It was a Robin-from-OnePiece-cosplay, but Pierce kept making jokes about her having a native american outfit on and Shirley kept calling her a stripper.

Dave was glad he found her a white trenchcoat like the one Robin had worn during the Alabasta arc when she was still in her Miss All-Sunday persona.

Troy had a brown overall on, a green bandana and goggles on his head as well as a slingshot, a white sash and a bag. He was cosplaying Usopp. Dave had dyed his hair green and three fake swords tied to a green cloth cumberbund with black pants and a white shirt. He was clearly Zoro.

And Abed, because Troy didn't want to get drunk and try eating his own fingers, was 'allowed to be' Luffy with a red vest, a strawhat and blue shorts. Originally they wanted Britta to be Nami and Chang to be Chopper but Britta watched one episode and found it childish and the costume too demeaning for women. And Chang was Chang, there wasn't much to explain.

Before the pre-party even started, Jeff and Dave were dragged out by Britta because she had processed the anonymous personality tests the group, Dave included, had taken and one of the tests came out with 70 out of 75 red flags for a personality disorder. One out of eight group members was likely a homicidal maniac... according to Britta. So they sat down in the study room to tell some scary stories so that Britta could find out who the psychopath was.

"Is anybody else weirded out that Britta's brother has been here for almost two months and he isn't even a student? What's his deal?" Pierce asked as they all sat down at the couch table.

"Two months?" Annie mumbled with a haunted expression that nobody at the table caught.

Dave had been gone more and more in the most recent days and Annie had looked at his rental's GPS to know he'd been at the hospital. He was also blanking out a lot recently. He dropped a few cups these two months and his mood changed more and more often. Annie still wondered how he hid the crazy amounts of pills he took from Britta. Or why he still drove his car and managed to not crash it.

"I mean, he did pay to attend the courses Tailoring, Ladders, Intro to Senselessness, and Opinions..." Britta argued to which Troy and Abed nodded. They took Intro to Senselessness with him.

Dave chuckled, "Man, Opinions is the most thought provoking course I've ever attended. I had very low expectations."

"In any case, back to why we are here: scary stories!"

Britta started out by telling a bland, badly-told horror story about a man dying to a hooked-hand psychopath in the woods while making out. Abed, when asked what he thought about the story, countered with a story that had smarter characters and a more logical approach to a horror story that took too long to get to the point.

"Ugh! Do these people ever die!?" Annie asked when she had enough with Abed's story.

"Eventually," Abed said in a spooky manner, "once it had been ~eaAArrrnnNNED!"

"Well, Britta. Looks like you're barking up the wrong tree," Jeff argued.

"Hey, I got a spooky story. One about how we're all mortal," Dave said raising his hand. Nobody stopped him, so he continued, "Once upon a time, a young, dashing inventor with a quirky personality went to the doctor on April 1st. He had been getting headaches, weird fainting spells, and a weakened grip strength for half a year, and finally decided to go to the hospital for a check-up. He felt invincible before the MRI gave them the results, but then the doctor told him about a giant mass in his head. The young man had a good laugh, but a minute later, the doctor only looked at him with a sad smile and didn't say 'April Fools!' or 'Sike!' once."

Nobody said anything when Dave stopped at that with a frown and unfocused eyes until Jeff asked in a worried voice, "Uh, Dave, everything alright?"

"Hmm? Oh, totally. I'm not feeling too hot, so I think I might bounce. Sorry about the group costume, guys. Britta, I'm not a sociopath and my best guess is that you're either all deeply disturbed, except for Abed, or nobody is, and you didn't put the test correctly into the machine. Not to worry, though. I still love you very much."

Dave stood up, and Annie quickly followed him while everyone stayed seated looking at each other.

"Uhm, I'm getting the feeling that wasn't a random story," Jeff said no one in particular.

"You okay, Britta?" Troy asked when he saw the vacant look in her eyes.

She looked at him and answered with a sad smile and silent tears, "His butler called me two weeks after he practically moved in with Annie and me, and he told me about his diagnosis. It's why I told Dave to take a few courses, so he's here for lunch and stuff. I needed a buffer between us because I dunno how to deal with it if it's just us."

A day later, the group never heard from Dave again. A week later, Chad Dickinsworth entered the study room F to find the group in a very melancholic mood.

"Hello everyone, Miss Perry. My name is Chad, Dave's butler, and I'm here to inform you of his will. The part for you and your friends, anyway."

Abed perked up and looked at the man before saying, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Gerard Butler?"

"Constantly. He's a hunk, though, so I don't mind. Even if they make the connection through the last name. Certainly better than all those jokes about my actual last name."

"Ha, dicks."

"I assume you're Pierce Hawthorne? Dave warned me," Chad said with a dry tone.

"So he's dead then? I *sniff* had hoped he might just have *sniff* fallen into a coma or something," Britta said while shuddering with tears in her eyes. Jeff leaned forward to grasp her hand and Annie ran around the table to cry with her roommate.

"I'm afraid so. He did fall into a coma but passed away two days ago at Midnight. Are you fine with me reading the will or do you need some time?"

"*Sniff* you're a busy man, go ahead," Britta choked out.

"Uh, not anymore. Dave left me enough money and properties for my non-existent children and I to live in moderate luxury during our lifetime. In any case, Dave has left you all something and I'll start with the items on the list Dave called the 'easiest gifts to figure out'."

He looked to Shirley and then looked at his binder to begin reading, "To Shirley Bennet I leave access to a trust fund that will act as a full ride college fund to all three of your children. Should they choose not to study, the fund may act as seed money for their chosen path in life," Chad looked up and said, "Uh, it doesn't say here but I'll be the one you can contact for the money. And this is the contact card for the bank managing the trust should I not answer the phone."

Shirley looked at the card with a blank expression. She felt this was way too much for a casual acquaintance she made two months ago, but she still had tears in her eyes at the thoughtfullness. It certainly lifted a very heavy burden from her shoulders.

"Coming up next. To Abed I leave the fact that I hired Christian Bale to star in two episodes of Cougar Town. He is legally not allowed to call himself Bruce Wayne or Batman, but his character will be a playboy named Bruce with a dark, brooding hidden persona. Which means technically the show is thereafter forever part of the DC Comics universe. To Troy I leave that Bale's character in the show will have a best friend called Troy in those episodes and I wrote them a dialogue line you may record as your alarm sound for the rest of your life."

Chad looked up and both young men looked about ready to faint. He just shook his head and continued, "Also I leave both of you all my comics, mangas, and a buttload of cash each. I had them take an elephants butt as measure and had my guys at the bank weigh the cash to match an actual elephant's butt. You're welcome."

Chad shook his head. His boss was weird these last months, but at least it was a wholesome weird.

"To Jeffrey Winger I leave an opportunity to work at one of my lawyers' firm in Los Angeles. Not as a lawyer but a legal consultant. Legal is stretching it, but a consultant nonetheless. Just finish your degree and show Mickey what you're worth. Also, there aren't actual coupons you can buy at a real estate agency, but my trust will help you finance an apartment in LA if you do want to move there."

The next part was even weirder than the buttload of cash, so Chad had to swallow and gather his wits before continuing.

"Uh, to Pierce Hawthorne I leave the deeds to your mansion. Did you know the house belonged to your dad and he had it wagered at his weirdly racist bank that would only talk to 'whites'? If Hawthorne Wipes was ever in financial trouble, you and you alone would have been homeless before they would get the rest of the money elsewhere. My lawyer in NY, Harvey, almost had a stroke when he finished reading the contracts between your dad and the bank," Chad explained as he handed Pierce an envelope with an unreadable expression.

Britta and Annie were the only two left and their tears didn't stop even when they both really liked how thoughtful Dave's will was.

"To Annie Edison I leave a fully paid for, week-long visit to Disney World with six friends of your choosing, a copy of the book 'The Fault in our Stars', a bag of quarters," Chad stopped to re-read it and nodded when he noticed he got that right, "and all my stocks I did not leave with my sister Astrid. Please tell Chad, heh, that's me, to set you up with my banker. The dividends are probably enough for you to live a comfortable life to do what you want with it."

The group was up in arms about the likely giant wad of money that fell into Annie's hands. Pierce made some obscene gestures and Shirley mumbled something unsavory under her breath while Troy agreed with Abed that their 'gift' was much cooler.

"And to my lovely sister Britta I leave the rest of my properties I didn't leave with Chad. That includes the dorm/bar/animal shelter opposite your apartment building and some other stuff that you may convert into homeless shelters for all I care. Just know that the profit they generate all go into the Perry Foundation for World Peace. A foundation I created that helps orphans in impoverished countries all over the world get food and an education."

The group had a mournful minute of silence that Chad shared with them in sad contemplation. It was interrupted however by a security guard, "And what about me? Did he not leave anything for Benjamin Chang? We were practically best friends."

Nobody answered him.

At a different time, in a different place, somewhere not in the same plane of existence, a soul slowly formed back into the form of a person.

"You're back," an ethereal voice spoke.

The form that slowly started to look like a decent looking blonde man turned around to see a man that looked like Orlando Bloom in his role as Legolas, the elf of Lord of the Rings.

The recently reformed man started shouting, "What the SHIT!? Before you threw me in that world you asked me who my celebrity crush was and when I said Gillian Jacobs you reincarnate me as her brother!? I didn't even remember anything from my last life! What was the point of it all when I just die before I turn 30 anyway!?"

"Got it all out of your system? I'll be honest, I did it for a good laugh. You're too weak to stop me, so eat shit, hahaha," the Legolas-look-alike answered with a boisterous laugh.

"Fuck you, Adam! You said some shit about my soul needing to be stronger, so was that reincarnation supposed to do that? Make my soul stronger? All my reincarnations sucked so far!"

The godly being didn't acknowledge the question and just continued laughing for another minute before he wiped away a tear and explained, "Yeah, yeah. No need to glare so much. Your soul is still too weak for me to chuck you into a world with cultivation or magics like Harry Potter, World of Warcraft and stuff. So I'll listen to your wish and throw you into OnePiece next. Just don't fight Big Mom or Im and have your soul erased or enslaved. Rejoice though, your soul is at last strong enough that I can finally give you your old memories without breaking it."

Adam chuckled because Dave's glare didn't lessen, "The world is mostly as you remember from reading in the mangas of your last two lives and the first one. Armament haki belongs to the body so you won't get to keep much of it in the next life unless you train like a madman, but the foundations of conqueror and observation haki are soul related, even if conqueror haki would still require a pretty decent body to work. So just learn that observation haki stuff and.. ugh, it would be funny if I didn't tell you but I'll do it anyway. Eating a devil fruit will brand the curse of the 'devil' on your soul when the power manifests in your body. So until you lift the curse, your soul will keep the powers and the weakness. Could be a bonus or an actual curse for your next life, who knows?"

With a wink Adam continued, "This time you'll remember your last life because your soul was strengthened enough. It's even powerful enough for you to brand two curses on it - aren't I generous? I'll even make it so your body will be ready to eat a second fruit by the time you 'wake up'. It will be boring for me if you have an existential crisis as a toddler and form no connections to the people around you, so you'll remember when you're 22."

"Why 22? What kind of bullshit are you throwing me into?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yeah, I would, Adam."

Adam's smile grew wider and wider before he simply asked, "You would, wouldn't you?"

Before the soul could retort, Adam snapped as finger and he started fading. The last thing he heard was Adam wishing him well, "Good luck, Dave. You'll need it because of the rocky start, hahaha!"

Dave's next thoughts were all about pain. His head felt like it would burst as 22 years of his new life as Link Dave, or Link D. Ave if he wanted to joke around, were pressed into his consciousness. Oh, and the pain from his body. Yep, everything hurt and was sore.

'Butt stuff with Annie, butt stuff with Annie,' Dave repeatedly thought as a mantra to distract himself from the hurt. Yeah, Annie had ticked off an item from his bucketlist on the night of Halloween in his last life. The will was written a week before that though, he simply liked her enough to leave her as much as he did. Good thing he explained that to her in a letter, lest she ever felt like a hooker because of his generous gift.

His memory was far from eidetic so a lot from his earlier lives was a blur. Even from languages he knew, Dave reckoned he forgot at least a few. Well, he was barely fluent in a few to begin with. But his last life was definitely fresh in his mind. When the thoughts about lovely Annie didn't help anymore, Dave tried started to bring up whatever he remembered about his past lives, just to see how far he could go back.

Parkour artist and action movie camera man. He worked on a bunch of popular Hollywood movies after immigrating from Germany at the start of the Marvel movie hype. That was his first life that started it all. He died on the set of a Jason Statham movie when a stunt went wrong.

Trauma nurse in a Chicago ER after serving as a combat medic during the first three years of the Iraq War. He tried his luck as a step dad to his girlfriend Sam's son Alex with varying success. PTSD thankfully didn't survive four lifetimes after that. That was his second life. He died to a crackhead with a revolver who tried to steal some drugs the year he turned 29.

'Ugh, remembering all my lives is absolutely not a blessing. Dying at 15 in the 14th century Portugal was, though. Why the shit does Adam let me live these crappy lives where I die before turning 30 anyway? Does my soul stop growing at that point or something? And why didn't I die earlier in my fourth life? Banker in Australia with an Asian and Dominatrix fetish - why the fuck was I so kinky in that life?'

Five minutes later, he relaxed a little as he started to think about what he learned from his newest 4memories, 'Alright. I made money by selling Treasure Tree Adam logs. Makes sense that something named after that cunt of a god would be my downfall. CP9 caught me at Iceburg's a week ago after they found out about my Devil Fruit somehow. Ah, my idiot self hired a disguised Rob Lucci as a bodyguard two years ago. Great, so the World Government knows about me or at the very least Spandam does. Ugh, so either both of them die or I'll get chased to the ends of the world. At least they can't possibly kidnap my family because my mom was killed by the Marines ages ago...'

'It isn't a logia, a super busted paramecia or a crazy zoan. 'No devil fruit is weak' is something I agree with, but my non-conscious self was right to try laying low. The Grow-Grow fruit helped me grow crops as a kid so my mother and I wouldn't starve and later the orphanage, too. Then I found out about an island named Water 7 'relatively close by' and started growing trees for the shipwrights on the island until I found a mostly destroyed Treasure Tree Adam pinecone.'

'I only sold three logs in my life and got shafted by CP9 after the third. How unlucky. When I awakened the fruit through experimentation, I learned I could induce physical growth in people at the expense of my own. Lucci simply guessed I could do that and had me tortured for a week until I gave in and showed it to them.'

Dave shuddered as he remembered the beatings the members of CP9 had given him in the basement of their Water 7 hideout, 'I have no haki except for the most basic access to observation haki. Two years with Lucci showed me a few glimpses of Shave, Moonwalk and Tempest Kick but he never taught me, obviously. He called the moves something else, too, but with my meta knowledge that's easy enough to call bullshit on. Good thing he didn't know about my observation haki, as far as I can tell. If I do manage to get away, those glimpses will likely be enough to allow me to learn it though, that is if I combine it with my meta knowledge.'

He finally sat up from the fetal position he was in on the ground with a lot of exertion, pain, and a low grunt. He had a sack over his head so he couldn't see where he was, but he felt his hands and feet were cuffed and from the drafty open window behind him, he knew he was on water.

"Ugh, the Sea Train? Did those stupid cunts finally decide to send me to that clown Spandam?" Dave mumbled through gritted teeth in perfect japanese. That was new, but that's what he got for getting 22 years of a new life pressed into his skull. English, Portuguese and German were the languages of his other lives so far and both his German and Portuguese were already fading. This was his sixth life now and the Portuguese peasant life was his third, while he only spoke German in his first life.

He only grew to be 15 that time in medieval Portugal around before dying to a cold, the peasant that he literally was. What did Adam say? Had he survived that winter he could have become a semi-immortal vampire from some weird TV show he never watched? Vampire's Diary or something? He should watch more movies and shows if he ever reincarnates on an earth at the right time.

"And here I thought they had thrown me into a car with a twitching corpse," an amused but tired voice playfully quipped.

"Beautiful sounding lady. Please believe me when I say I wish I was a corpse," Dave groaned out.

The reincarnee leaned forward to grab the loose sack over his head with his knees and when he succeeded he leaned back. Every bit of movement hurt like hell, but when he finally leaned back fully the hood came loose and when he looked around, he was flabbergasted.