Chapter 18

My last sentence was a shout as I looked back at Loki and tears filled my eyes. His throat had red marks where I had grabbed him. I gave him a horrified look and with a groan, I took off running. I headed for the front door and was out of it before anyone could react. I could run quite fast when I needed to and this time I felt I needed every bit of speed I could get. I had forgotten that I didn't put my boots on as my feet started bleeding from the sharpness of the rocks in the asphalt. I felt something cut into my leg just above my ankle as I ducked into an alley. I didn't block the pain. I deserved it and more. I ran until I had no breath left. I was somewhere in the city. I didn't really know where and I really didn't care. I just wanted someplace to curl up and hide for a moment. I wandered from alley to alley until I found myself at the bank of a river. I was near the Manhattan bridge. I walked along the shore until I was under the bridge. I sat with my back to the wall, pulled my knees to my chest, and let the tears fall.

I stared at the dark water in silence. How could I have done that? How could I have hurt the person I am coming to love more than my own life? What kind of monster was I? I laid my head on my knees and sobbed so hard my chest hurt. I knew what kind. My heart felt like a knife had gone through it and was twisting. I didn't belong with them. These were good people. I wasn't. Good people don't try to kill the people they care about. I had never hated myself so much. I started to wish I had just told Crowley no and just let the Monsters have me. I didn't deserve to be here. I laid down and curled up into a ball and eventually passed out. 

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"Sweetling, you have to wake up. Please. You have to wake up now." 

It sounded like Loki, but it couldn't be real. I had left them all behind. I had hurt him. He wouldn't want me anymore because I was a monster. I didn't even know where I was so how could anyone else find me. I was so tired. I didn't want to move, and it was too hard to open my eyes. It was easier to just lay still.

"Come on, love. Please. You have to open your eyes. Ariane, please. I need you to wake up and be here with me. Please, love." 

Loki's voice was almost sobbing as he spoke. I had never heard him so panicked and upset. I didn't understand but I knew I didn't want him to feel that way. He just wanted me to open my eyes. I could do that for him. I struggled and willed myself to open my eyes. The world was hazy, but I blinked and things came into focus. I looked into Loki's face, and I couldn't believe what I saw. He was kneeling beside me and holding me in his arms. He was crying. Loki was crying. And it was my fault. All I brought to the people I cared about was pain. I was so tired. Tired of hurting people. I just wanted it to stop. I was evil and I needed to protect him. I felt my eyes start to close again. 

"No! No, keep your eyes open, love. Please. Stay awake for me! Banner! You had better hurry! I can't lose her now that I've just found her!" 

I willed my lips to move and with almost superhuman effort I managed to say three words. "I'm sorry Loki." I felt my eyes drift closed and heard him yelling but it got fainter until darkness overtook me.