Episode 25

[In Sav's Point of view ]



I struggled for air, leaned on the old chair I sat on for balance as Mother Superior Kali looked at me with no hint of what she could be feeling about my revelation.

"I lied about my memory loss and about everything." I continued.

"So you mean to tell me you didn't happen to wake up in front of this place not knowing how you ended up here like you told us?" She asked looking as calm as possible.

"No Mother superior. I came here on my own but it was late so I slept out there that night and when I woke up the next day and realized this place was an orphanage run by nuns, I decided I had to stay here. I had no place to go then but I___"

"___So who or what were you running away from?" she cut in.

"Myself."

"Yourself? What have you done that haunted you that much to even flee?"

A tear trickled down my cheek as I sat there unable to speak, memories flooded my mind and I felt numb for a while.

"I tried to kill myself."

I managed to say that with the wretched memories swirling around in my head. My eyes were already red and puffy from crying, I squeezed them shut to push more tears out.

"You did what? Why?"

" I got rapped and I blamed myself for it. I always ask myself these questions. If I hadn't gone to the party that night... Or if I hadn't gone into that room...if I... " I mumbled almost to myself and paused at a sharp pain in my heart.

I couldn't breath well. I felt a choking sensation in my throat like it was closing, my heart raced as droplets of sweat formed on my forehead. I felt detached from reality and dizzy.

I stood up struggling for air. My vision blurred but in barely a second after I stood up, I felt Mother superior's hand held mine.

"Sav... Sav..." She took me back to my seat. "Take it easy child. Calm down. Take in a deep breath."

I followed her breathing in and out ritual and after some minutes, I felt OK.

"We can talk about this later if you don't feel well. You had an anxiety attack and we can't risk that again." She walked over to me with a glass of water in hand.

"I am OK. I have to talk to someone about it. It's been eating me up for five years and since it has come up, I need to get through the trauma." I said as I gulped down the water.

"If you say so. But let me know if you get uncomfortable again."

I nodded and continued.

"I tried to kill myself after I got raped. I don't know how but I survived. I found myself hospitalized for a while and I later discovered I was pregnant. I overheard my friend talk to my boyfriend about it.

Then and there, I didn't know what to do. I felt my world crushing down - not because I was pregnant but because I felt trapped. I wasn't sure how he was going to feel about it when I tell him I got raped. Was he going to accept me and the baby? And even if he did, I wasn't sure I could live with myself anymore. At that point, I wanted to be far away from everything. So I ran away from the hospital when none of them was around and__"

"__and you came here." she cut in.

"I understand what you are saying child. You have been through a lot I understand and I know why you had to lie to us."

"You do?" I asked wondering myself why I had to lie about who I was in the first place.

"Yes I do. I've had similar cases brought to me. Most of the sisters You See here had gone through an abuse of a kind and had to live with the trauma until they came here so I know you did what you did because you felt it was going to take the pain away and didn't want to relive the past.

You did that for the same reason you couldn't go to the police station when it happened. You couldn't bare the pain of reliving the pain again when you are asked again and again to say what happened during the court hearing and you feared you will be judged by people because you had already judged yourself but you know what child?" she paused and held my hand.

"You know that what happened wasn't your fault right? Understand that one fact and it would be the first step you take to getting this problem solved.

And also know that what happened happened for a reason. There is nothing we can do to change the past. What is important is your now. What you do now is what is important.

When you feel the full pain of your past and is able to make sense of it, then you can resolve the trauma and alter your path into the future. This starts by talking about what happened. You have to embrace this reality, then you can start to separate your true self and differentiate from the overlays of your past. Accept that what happened happened and there was nothing that could change it but however, there is something that can change the effect it has on you and that is the thing you ran away from all these years.

Healing from a traumatic experience like that requires time, understanding, support and deep personal honesty. If you were abused, know that it's not your fault, you aren't damaged, and you have a chance to live a meaningful life. You just had to talk to someone about it and seek help."

"I tried. I really did try to talk about it but I__"

"It's OK child. I totally understand but you need help. It's late already you go and have a good night sleep and we will take the next step to getting you freed from the past and taking a leap to the future in the morning."

She said and offered me another glass of water.

I gulped it down in seconds and headed to the door.

"Try to sleep. Don't think about anything. Kiss Addo Good night for me." I turned and let out a faint smile at the mention of Addo.

"Thank you Mother superior. Good night."