Eight

My heartbeat speeds up when I think of Zhan ge. I smile anytime the thought of seeing him pops into my head. It's Friday today. I'm not wearing makeup or lens.

I know what will happen to Zhan ge, I know it could never work. Zhan ge is in prison, it's just not realistic. Yet I can't stop imagining us together. I'm so attached to Zhan ge and when the time comes, I'm not sure how well I will handle it.

Zhan ge could definitely work if he were in a normal situation. I love him a lot. I already have that indescribable feeling of need for him.

Needing to help Zhan, needing to be there for him, needing to hug him, needing to make him smile. I want Zhan ge to be free so badly that it hurts.

"The unknown is scary as shit, and what comes after death is the ultimate unknown."

When I finished dressing. I walked out of our apartment and into Mr. Han's car.

Once I got to the prison, I did the usual check-in and signed at the counter with a lady I have never seen before. Despite the the gloomy atmosphere, I started to enjoy coming here.

A guard walked me through and he stopped in front of a different door this time.

"You can go in,'' he said and left.

"Thank you" I open the door and walk in. I saw Zhan ge lying on the bed flat on his back with his eyes closed. I notice that he is very attractive and I think about how he would probably be able to use his looks to persuade a lot of people if he wasn't in his current situation.

I just sat on the edge of the bed and watch him sleep.

"See something you like?" he asks, startling me.

Yes, I smiled and lay beside him on the bed, turning my back to him and he engulfs me in his embrace.

I brought a book for you. Mr. Lee will give you later. I said, kissing his hand.

"What is it about?" he asked.

"I'm not telling you that. Just read it. I really think you'll like it if you read it all

the way through." I said.

"Well, thank you," Zhan ge says, a small smile on his face as he kisses the back of my neck. Sending shivers down my spine.

"After you read it, I want to talk about it. I think it's something that creates a good

conversation."

"Okay, that's fine. I mean, probably." he said.

I chuckle.

"Yeah it uh, you won't like some of the things it says, I didn't, but promise you'll read it all the way through?"

Zhan ge nods. "Promise."

"Pinky promise?" I ask, holding my pinkie out to Zhan ge.

Zhan ge shakes his head with a grin on his face, sticking his pinky out and looping it together with mine. "Pinky promise."

"Okay good," I say, I noticed Zhan ge's hair is exceptionally fluffy today and his skin is really clear, glowing almost

"You look really good today," I said.

"Are you saying I don't look good everyday?" Zhan ge asks dramatically, playing the role of someone whose ego is too small for their good.

"No, you look good every day but today you look extra good." I turned to face him.

Zhan ge smirks, his gaze lingering on me. "Thank you," he says.

"You're welcome. Now compliment me back so I feel special." I whined.

Zhan ge laughs like he really laughs-and it's a beautiful sound. "Your eyes are really pretty. Your hair too. I mean you're a pretty person in general, you know? Soft."

I blush, my heartbeat speeding up along with it. "Wow okay, I didn't expect that."

"What did you expect? You said to compliment you so I did."

"I thought you'd say something like I like your shirt. I don't know," I say, my body starting to feel a bit tingly.

"I do like your shirt."

"Zhan ge, stop you're going to kill me. I can't take it," I say, gripping my chest.

"You're funny, actually interesting to talk to. Zhan ge squeezes me.

"Zhan ge"

"Your voice is also really nice, it's soothing. You'd be good at telling bedtime stories or singing lullabies. He said.

"Seriously," I say, not knowing how to act right now.

"Okay, okay fine," Zhan ge says, with a devious smirk on his face.

I give a breathy laugh, one that sounds almost nervous even though I am not. "Thank you by the way."

Zhan ge nods.

"Do you want to know something?" I mumbled.

"Yeah" he whispered.

"Your voice is also really sweet, it's soothing, it was what attracted you to me in the first place"

Really? Zhan ge asks, sounding surprised.

"Yes, I remember every word you said to me that morning. Your voice is like velvet dripping off a chocolate fountain"

Zhan ge just squeezes me.

On a serious note though, do you like your new cell?"

Zhan ge node. "Definitely. I have a roommate, which sucks but he's never in the cell unless he has to be." he said.

"That's good," l say, pausing for a moment before continuing. "So, I think I'm ready to tell you about the thing I don't like talking about."

"Oh," Zhan ge says, shifting his body a little so that he's facing me more. "Okay."

"So I was like nine maybe, and um, I've always struggled with mental health, even now I do but I know how to deal with it. Anyway, at that time things were bad and dad won't talk about mom, we moved from place to place so I was always the new kid. I didn't have any friends and I never fit in."

I pause, trying to find the right words to use. Zhan ge just listens, all of his attention on me. "It was bad. I did and said a lot of stuff I regret. I don't blame myself for the things I said or did, I know I had a lot of issues and I didn't know how to handle them. I didn't even know they were there. I was just angry at the world and very very sad.

"I um, I guess I was suicidal. I don't think I actually wanted to die but I didn't want to live either. Not the life I currently had at least. Anyway, one night, I forgot why I was upset but I was really upset. Like I said. I took a lot of my anger out on my dad. That night, I asked about mom again. He gave me the same silent treatment"

I feel myself becoming choked up. This isn't something I have ever told, anyone. Only Zhan ge and my dad know about it. but I swallowed and continued. "We were in the kitchen, I'm not sure but he said something that made me mad. I uh-I grabbed the knife that was on the counter, I don't know why it was there, and I-l chased him."

Zhan ge's eyes are focused solely on me and clear of any judgement. He doesn't even react, he just keeps listening. Neither he nor I realized that we have slowly drifted closer to each other.

"I didn't hurt him, I never would have, but just-just the fact that it happened, I still hate myself for it. That's the only thing I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for. Do you know how scary that had to have been? How much he was going through too and for me to have done that? I just-"

"When I calmed down, he sat beside me where I was crying and held my hands. He told me, mom left him when I was two years old because he invested in a bad business and got defrauded. He couldn't bring himself to tell me and that was the last time I asked of her."

"When I turned 10, he said we should come to visit his sister and ask if she can invest in his business again. That was how we got here, but he also left me on the street."

"I was beginning to think I was cursed for everyone to leave me."

"When you got sick I was scared you were going to die. That was why I asked Xue Yang to lend me money because I know he won't say no to me."

"When Zhu Zanjin's friend raped me I wanted to tell you so bad but you were still sick and I didn't want to bother you with my problems. I said to myself I will tell you when you get better. But when you got better I was scared that if I told you, you would also leave me as my parents did. I'm scared of being alone."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" stripes of tears flow down my cheeks.

"Hey," Zhan ge says calmly, wiping the tears from my cheeks before putting his hand on mine and hesitantly intertwining our fingers together. "It's okay."

I look at Zhan ge and then at our hands, our bodies are practically glued to each other again. "I've never told anyone else that, you know."

"Really?" Zhan ge asks, and I nod.

"Well thank you for telling me." he kissed my forehead.

"Yeah, thanks for listening. It's hard to do stuff like that you know. As I said. I feel so guilty that I don't think anyone could judge me for it more than I already do myself."

"Yeah. Sorry, this is kinda like off topic, but you could have talked to me, I would never leave you, you know that?" you went through a lot and it killed me.

"Yeah. I'm stronger than I look, and I don't regret anything. I said. I've learned a lot and I'm better now."

"I don't regret anything either," he said

I smile. One of those smiles where even if you tried you couldn't stop yourself from doing it. One that's caused by the feeling of your heart just being so full at that moment.

"You are cool," Zhan ge teased.

"Thanks. You're pretty fucking cool yourself," I say back.

"You know, I've thought of something a lot scarier and I don't like it," Zhan ge says, looking elsewhere but at me.

I, who's also looking straight ahead, still holding Zhan ge's hand, gives it a little squeeze. "What's that?"

The silence before Zhan ge speaks is defining, the short period still manages to build a certain tension. "I'm in love with you." he let out a shaky breath.

I was quiet for a moment, I can feel Zhan ge's hand heat up, clear that he was nervous. I'm nervous too.

"I'm in love with you too," I said, looking at Zhan ge.

Zhan ge kissed me passionately, reaching my hand up, I ran my fingers through his hair, to his ears. I felt him shudder once I started rubbing his ears.

We pull apart, breathing rapidly as we stare at each other. Hesitantly, Zhan ge rolls us so that I am lying on my back, and he is hovering over me.

I've been wanting to do this forever; Zhan ge says softly, running his hand through my hair and rubbing my ear. I smile at him, feeling the warmth spread through my chest.

Me too, I whisper, leaning up and giving him another kiss. The feeling of his tongue running along my bottom lip makes me open my mouth, letting his tongue enter my mouth. The warmth in my chest slowly spread throughout my body. It felt heavenly as we broke the kiss.

"I love you, so much" I whispered.

"I hope you know what you are getting into," he said softly.

"Yes," I mumbled.

Zhan ge turns his head to meet my gaze. "You know, that's like jumping into an ocean that looks so beautiful, even though you know you'd drown."

I shrugged. "I think it's more like, I know I will drown and I'm bound to get eaten by sharks, but I'd be happy to die in such a beautiful place." I smiled.

We heard a know on the door followed by a voice. "Your time is up"

"I don't want to leave" I whined.

"I will see you tomorrow," Zhan ge said and kissed me one last time before we left the room.

"I like the sound of that," I said kissing him.