Nine

After what Zhan ge said, I've been feeling myself fall faster and harder. An hour and 30 minutes are not enough. I need more of Zhan ge and his beautiful light. I wish I could see him every day.

I know it will not end well. Zhan ge is going to die in four months. It's sad and I can't think about it without tearing up, but that doesn't change the fact that it's what's going to happen if Cheng does not come up with anything, and it scares me to death.

Mr. Lee has talked to me twice about not letting Zhan ge affect me that much, but it's pretty obvious he already has.

Over the weekdays, when I don't see Zhan ge, I feel like something is missing during those days. I have never been the type to miss people. I've also never been the type to even feel anything with anyone at all, but with Zhan ge, none of that is true.

The way I feel when I and Zhan ge hold hands, or when we joke around, or when we have serious conversations, I've just never felt that with anyone else before.

The whole time I and Mr. Han was in the car, I just wanted him to go faster. I don't want to think of myself as desperate, but I am.

"Okay, we're here," Mr. Han said, barely finishing before I jump out of the car.

"Hey, slow down a little. You're not missing anything, we are early." Mr. Han said.

I do slow down, forcing myself not to look like an overly attached clingy person. I saw him just yesterday but it feels like ages.

I did the usual check-in and I was waiting for Mr. Lee or one of the guards to come and take me inside but i have been sitting here for 20 minutes.

"You are early, it's not time for visitors yet" a guard said.

"Why can't I just see him for a longer amount of time? They're not doing anything," I ask.

"I don't know. You can wait half an hour, Mr. Wang. It's not like he's going to die. The guard said.

I gave him a look. "He is actually. Very soon, too." I said sternly.

"Go see him, I don't care. The guard said, knowing I don't know where to go or who'll bring Zhan ge to where I am.

Follow me, I'll bring him to you. A voice said walking past me.

"Mr. Lee, Thank you." I followed him and signed in again. He scans his card and the gate opens. He walked me to the corridors. Go to room 12, I will get Zhan he said and walked away.

I quickly walk in and enter the room.

Zhan ge knocks and slowly opens the door.

"It's one already?" He asks.

"No, twelve thirty. I came early. Is that okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, yeah. He smiled.

Come in," I say, gesturing for Zhan ge to walk into the room. Zhan ge does just that, closing the door behind him.

"So, how are you today?" I ask, sitting down on the bed with Zhan ge.

"Good," Zhan ge says, moving around a little until he's comfortable.

"Good? I've never heard you say that you're good."

Zhan ge raises his eyebrows and tilts his head slightly to the side. "Guess not."

"Well I'm happy for you. Have you started reading the book I gave you? You like it so far?"

"Yeah, it's different." Zhan ge said.

I nod. "That's why I like it so much. I feel like no other book, at least that I've read. is like it."

"Yeah, I'm almost finished. There are not many chapters, though."

"I know. But oddly, you know when one section ends and another begins."

"Yeah, I didn't know how to describe that. You were right though, about it saying stuff I didn't want to hear," Zhan ge says, running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah. It's because we already know it deep down. Stuff we ignore, but subconsciously we know it's eating us up."

"That's why I freaked out that day... You said stuff I didn't want to hear and also reminded me of things that I hate not being able to have," Zhan ge says, relaxing against the wall that he and I are leaning up.

"Like what?" I ask.

"The fact that I don't have a future with you. You know. I was supposed to take care of you, I was supposed to protect you and I also thought I was going places as a kid. Not fame or anything but just like, making an impact you know?"

"What did you want to do?"

"Well, I want to open a studio. I want to help people and do something positive. I wanted to go to college, and hear my mom tell me she was proud of me. I wanted to buy my first home, and get my first pet. Fall in love."

"Wanted?" I ask.

Zhan ge shrugs. "Want, I guess. I can't deny that.

"What kind of house?" I ask.

A two-bedroom apartment with a massive kitchen, a garden, and a swimming pool. I'm sure even if we have separate rooms you won't sleep in yours so we will share a bedroom and use the other one as our showroom. He let out a breathy laugh.

I reach over and grab Zhan ge's hand, something we have been doing more often lately. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Please don't be. That's not what I want. I don't want you to be sad because of me. He pulls me closer.

"I can't help it, Zhan ge. I am sad. This is sad," I say, holding up our hands just like Zhan ge did yesterday only this time it's not a happy time.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because I love you, like a lot. I want more than four months with you, Zhan ge," I say, not realizing how much I do have feelings for him.

Zhan ge is quiet, his grip on my hand has tightened a bit. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I ask, hating that it has to be like this.

"Just that you met me. That of all people you had to love me. My life was supposed to end without hurting anyone else."

Zhan ge rests his head on my shoulder. His eyes have been watery the whole time but no tears have fallen until now. It's not much, only a few, but they do fall. "No," I say, wiping his face with my free hand and trying to talk normally. "No, you're not gonna hurt me, Zhan ge. I promise.

"I'm not sure if that's better or worse." he sniffs.

"No, I mean you're not going to hurt me. None of it is your fault."

"It is though."

"Yeah but you didn't decide to meet me, you didn't decide that I was going to feel this way about you. None of that is your fault, I mumbled.

"It just feels so selfish. I get to leave, it won't affect me once I'm gone. I don't want you to deal with the mess. You're the only family I have. He said, and it broke my heart.

I shake my head, feeling the material of Zhan ge's clothes rub against my cheek. He stopped crying. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay."

"Why couldn't you have been some douchey dickhead who I wouldn't have love?" I ask, closing my eyes.

"I don't know. I wish I was."

"But you're not. You're nice and caring and respectful and funny and attractive and I do love you. I say quietly."I'm glad it was you."

Zhan ge lays on the bed and pulls me to lie with him, turning my back to him. He pulls me closer and intertwines our hands. "So, my voice" was what attracted me to you?

"Yes, it was rich, velvety, and smooth. That was why I described it like velvet dripping off a chocolate foundation."

Zhan ge let out a deep chuckle and It was sweet like honey, I felt tingles in my stomach.

I'm hurt, so my pretty face didn't work charms on you. Zhan ge said, sounding like a baby.

Stop whining, I heard your voice before I saw your face. Everything about you is pretty rich. That was why I said brothers now and we can be married later. "Why do you think I'm hooked?" I let out a small laugh.

Omg, why didn't I use that, so you wanted to marry me the first time you saw me? A part of me is happy you're mine, and a part is not. You have gone through a lot of pain because of me and you will go through more when am gone and I hate it. I was supposed to be your Guardian Angel.

Zhan ge, you and I will do anything to protect each other. Why don't we call it even? I said turning to face him.

That's the problem, Wang, I don't...

I don't want to talk about things that will make me sad. I cut him off.

I'm sorry, he mumbled.

Don't be sorry.  I don't understand one thing though, when did you start having feelings for me?

He smiled and kissed my forehead. I think it was when I saw you sleeping on the floor, I felt the need to protect you. I felt different around you, and I thought maybe it was siblings' love. I started having a hard-on once in a while when I turned 16 but I didn't read meaning to it. But when I turned 18 I knew what I felt for you wasn't ordinary love between siblings. That was the real struggle began. Trying to hide my hard-on and not be jealous around you when you talk to other people.

What? Why didn't you tell me? I asked.

"I don't want to come off as a pervert or trying to take advantage of your situation"

So, we both love each other but are scared of what the other might think. Mine was more like "scared you will think am using you or you might not be interested in me."

I felt more and more tension building up. My hands were sweaty, and my mouth was dry, as he fixed his eyes on me. The desire to touch him, to get touched by him, rose with every second

"I have always been interested in you, Wang" Zhan ge whispered and connected our lips.

My lips were tingling with hunger and desperation as I kissed Zhan ge.

He pressed our lips together in a passionate, hungry kiss. His lips were so smooth and sweet, he bit my lower lip and then sucked it, making me moan. Those lips were so gorgeous, and he was a smooth kisser!

"I was turned on" my breathing labored.

"He got down on my neck, leaving wide open and wet kisses. I put my right hand in his soft hair and gently pulled" he rolled us over.  I readjusted myself under him. My legs feel like jelly and I was feeling something hot in my stomach.

A knock followed by someone's voice made me hiss. "Your time is up"

I hate this. I whispered kissing Zhan ge.

I will see you next week Friday. I will miss you. He pulled away from the kiss and hugged me.

I'll miss you more. I breathe out.

"I love you, Wang"

"I love you more, Zhan ge"