Chapter 31: A Weird Fish

On the ship which is on its way to Alabasta. Everyone was waking up one by one all very hungover after last night's big party. Chopper and Karoo were the first to wake up and even they were sluggish. Chopper took out a small vial from his bag and drank it.

Suddenly he looked a lot more energetic. He poured some for Karoo as well and got a happy quack in response. "You don't need to thank me or anything. You bastard." Chopper told Karoo.

Kai woke up to strange voices. He tried to sit up only for him to be unable to move. He opened his eyes and looked around. "Why the fuck am I inside a barrel?" He groaned as he noticed his entire body other than his head was in a barrel.

Zoro, who was right next to Kai woke up and heard this. He laughed at Kai. "How did you end up inside a barrel?" Kai just sighed, not saying anything about Zoro, he would figure it out eventually. *Quack* Karoo poked at two barrels with his beak. "You're right Karoo. They are both idiots for ending up inside barrels. How did two people do that?" Chopper said as he poured a vial of liquid down Kai and Zoro's throat.

"I'm not an idiot!" Kai yelled and Zoro looked at Chopper. "Two?" He asked before he looked down. "How did I end up in a barrel?!?!" He yelled out. Suddenly both Kai and Zoro felt a lot more energetic. Kai looked at Chopper. "Is that a hangover cure?" He asked.

Chopper nodded. "Yeah, it can cure headaches and slight dehydration. It works perfectly for hangovers." Kai broke out of the box and hugged Chopper before picking him up and throwing him into the air and catching him like he was a little kid. "You're the best dog ever!! I'm so glad you're here!" Zoro nodded seriously. "Now I can drink more."

"That doesn't make me happy! You bastards!" Chopper blushed from the compliment. When Kai set down Chopper he stretched his arms up into the air and arched his back before cracking his neck. As he did this his shirt fell off of him backwards as the buttons were undone and it fluttered into the ocean. At the moment his bare back was revealed to the three behind him shock appeared on their faces/beak.

Karoo was shaking in surprise and was horrified. Zoro had a smirk on his face. "I knew you weren't just some pretty boy." He said as he recognized Kai's hard work and suffering to get this far. Chopper had his jaw fall to the floor. "Lacerations, burns, whips, sword cuts, and what even are those…" He trailed off as he looked at all of the different types of scars on Kai. As a doctor he naturally knew more about injuries than the rest but even he couldn't identify where all of these scars came from.

"Most of these look untreated! Or like they were done by a rookie! What the hell happened?!" Chopper yelled as he was circling around Kai now, looking at his body. Kai lit a cigarette and took a long drag. He patted Chopper's head. "You're a pretty kind kid Chopper. Do me a favour and don't mention this to the rest yet. I don't want any pity or anything. You too Zoro." Kai said as he ignored Chopper's question hoping to divert attention away from his past.

Zoro nodded at this. Even though he was an idiot sometimes he was the most mature one here other than Kai. He knew how to be serious when it was needed. Chopper was silent for a second. "Only if you promise to let me treat your injuries in the future." Kai agreed. "Sure thing. You're the best dog ever." Kai said as he flashed to his room before anyone else could say anything.

Two seconds later he was walking out of the cabin towards the three who were still sitting there shocked. Kai was walking with one hand outstretched as he was doing up the cuffs on his new black dress shirt with the other. He exhaled a bit of smoke and dropped his finished cigarette into the ocean. "Let's wake up the others. We got a princess to save after all."

…

After everyone had woken up and they were given Chopper's hangover cure, Usopp and Luffy were fishing while they were over a hotspot. (The ocean above an underwater volcano that is hot)

Luffy's fishing rod started pulling him towards the ocean before he started pulling back. "I got one! Shishishi!" He started struggling to pull up the fish for a while before he finally yanked back and his fishing rod made an arc in the air as the 'fish' on the other end flew onto the ship.

"What a weird fish. It looks like a person." Luffy said as he looked at the man who was sprawled out on the floor after he face planted. He quickly got up. "Gaaahhahhaha! Thank you for saving me! I fell off of my boat and can't swim!" Luffy had stars in his eyes. "A talking fish! He's just like Chopper! Did you eat the Hito-hito no mi too?" Kai laughed at the irony of that statement, and the talking fish said. "I'm not a fish. My name is Bon Clay, I ate the clone-clone fruit. Here I'll show you."

Bon Clay ran up to the crew and touched all of their faces. He reached out to Kai but Kai stopped his hand. As curious as he was about whether Bon Clay would copy his mask or his real face. It wasn't worth the risk. He whispered. "Sorry, Bentham, I got a mask for a reason." Bon Clay was surprised to hear his real name but understood that Kai wouldn't do anything to him as long as he didn't do anything to Kai. An equivalent exchange of sorts. Kai would make a great alchemist.

Anyway! Bon Clay went back down to the crew and started doing impressions causing the crew and Kai to start laughing. He finally got to Nami and did an impression for her before he asked. "Wanna see something cool?" The crew nodded and he reached for his shirt to take it off. Suddenly he had a sword hovering in front of his face and a foot hovering next to the side of his head. The two men right next to him on either side exhaled a puff of smoke at the same time. ""Watch it. Don't go too far."" They both said as Bon Clay gulped and released his own shirt so he couldn't show off his/Nami's tits.

(A/n: Always hated how Sanji just watched in the original. I felt like he should have stopped Bon Clay because you know chivalry and all. Plus he knows Bon Clay is a dude and in canon he is scared of all the okumas/Trans people so I don't think he would like this.)

After this everything went back to the way it was normally. Nami thanked Kai and Sanji for stopping Bon Clay. "No problem. Little sis." Kai teased. He wanted to say sis-in-law but it would only expose him so he settled for sis. Sanji just waited for a moment before he exhaled a bit of smoke. "Anything for a beauty in trouble." He said as he looked stoic.

Nami had her mouth agape. "Why was that kinda smooth?" She asked Kai who just chuckled. "Really? Did you just say I was smooth? Nami-swannn! I love you!" Sanji's hearts turned to eyes. Nami's teeth turned sharp. "You just ruined it!" She said as she punched Sanji in the head. "Wahahaha! You really blew that one love cook." Kai laughed at his brother.

Bon Clay showed up behind Kai. "What's so funny?" He asked. Kai just looked at him and said. "These two." Bon Clay was about to say something else when Kai cut him off. "Hey, is that your ship?"

"Yeah it is!" He replied and started to run off towards the ship. Before he jumped ship he turned around. "Goodbye everyone! Even if we don't travel down the same paths in this life. May we still forever be friends!"

Luffy, Chopper and Usopp started crying. Luffy yelled back while his tears started to hit the floor. "We are already friends! The bestest of friends! We're gonna miss you swan man!" This caused Bon Clay to ball even harder. "Goodbye to you as well, friendly marnie! I'm sorry for trying to touch your mask!"

Kai looked over at Bon Clay and waited for him to jump off the boat. "Goodbye Mr. 2!" He called out causing everyone other than Luffy and Usopp to freeze as they turned to face Kai.

"Did you just call him Mr. 2?" Nami asked Kai.

Kai nodded while still waving at Bon Clay who was leaving. "Yup."

"As in Mr. 2 from Baroque Works?"

Kai nodded again. "The one and only." He said.

"As in the enemy?" Nami questioned again with a dangerous tone hidden in her cute voice.

Kai turned to her and tilted his head. "How many people do you know named Mr. 2? Of course it's the same person. You really are weird sometimes, Tangerine."

Nami felt her entire body shake and her mouth opened multiple times only too close again without a word leaving her mouth. She froze for a second before she just turned around and walked into her room muttering. "I don't even care anymore."

Vivi heard everything happen and had her brain freeze while trying to process everything. "Fujin! That's the bad guy! The one we are supposed to stop! You can't just let him get away!" Kai paused for a second before nodding sagely.

"I see." He said. He walked up to Usopp and Luffy and grabbed the sea stone cuffs he gave to Usopp and put them on Luffy. Then he tied up Usopp with a rope beside him and ran around the ship tying everyone else up. After about 20 seconds everyone other than Kai and Vivi was tied up together on the deck.

"You're right. I can't believe I could forget something like that. Thanks Vivi. You really saved me there." Kai said.

"Not them! They aren't the bad guys!" Vivi yelled at Kai, feeling hopeless. Kai just tilted his head. "But they're pirates?" Vivi yelled at him. "So? They are good people!" Kai didn't say anything and Luffy yelled at her. "So was the swan guy!"

Vivi paused for a second before realizing Kai's point. "Sorry. You're right. I understand now, so can you please let them go?" Vivi who asked Kai didn't receive a response as the latter just pulled out his den den mushi.

"Hello? Smoker here."

"Hey Smokey. How's Hina?"

"*sigh* Why are you calling me brat… and she's fine. She is coming to Alabasta soon so we plan to meet up."

"Wahaha! Want some dating advice?"

"… maybe."

"You should have just asked me Smokey! I thought we were friends! I'm a master at this! Just listen to everything I tell you and Hina will forget all about your past self and fall in love with the new and improved you!"

"I didn't ask for you to change me brat! I'm perfectly fine like this! Why would I even ask someone who's never been on a date before for advice?" Smoker said as he shook his head regretting his actions.

"Wahaha! Calm down Smokey. All you gotta do is be yourself. Don't pretend to be something you're not. If she decides she doesn't like it and says no to a second date. Who cares? That just means she doesn't like you for who you really are and means that you would never have worked out long term anyway. So just save yourself the time and be yourself. You can't pretend to be something you're not forever so just never pretend in the first place. You got this Smoker. You're a good guy. If she decides she doesn't like you then it's her loss. I believe in you."

Smoker paused for a minute to process this new information. "So what you're saying is that I shouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not because she will eventually figure out it's a lie anyway and our relationship would just crumble? So to save us both time, just be myself."

"Mhm. Plus who would enjoy having to act like someone else in order to have someone love them. At that point they don't even care about you but just the fake person that you created to hide your insecurities. Who would even enjoy that? At that point you aren't even dating each other because you love each other but just because you don't want them to find out who you really are and you enjoy the validation you get from the status of being in a relationship. You're just inflating each other's ego to try and feel some semblance of real love but it will never come. Not unless you take off the mask and stop acting, at which point you most likely will break up anyway."

Smoker was silent. Thinking. "That's actually good advice. Thanks, Fujin."

(A/n: this is genuine advice from your author here to all his lovely readers! Don't be someone you aren't. Obviously if you go on a date you don't have to start telling her (or him, I don't judge) about that time you were at your own 4th birthday party and pissed your pants causing everyone to laugh at you, which gave you an extreme inferiority complex and made you scared of social interaction. You can tell them that later. But don't pretend to be some chad person and cool guy if you aren't one. If they are only there because they think you are someone else you are better off single. Plus who knows maybe they like the real you more than your facade, I bet a lot of you are a lot more fun to be around then you think of yourselves, don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you have your own unique charm that acting like someone else would ruin and destroy your chance with the girl you like. Anyway, good luck everyone! Feel free to not take my advice, just trying to help.)

Kai just smiled at himself. He had learned this in his past life and didn't want his friend to make the same mistakes. "Anyways, guess what?"

Smoker grunted. "Did you finally do your job and catch the Straw Hats?" He said sarcastically.

"How did you know?! Are you a psychic?"

Smoker let his cigars fall out of his mouth as his brain was going a mile a minute. "I think I heard you wrong. What did you say again?"

"I caught the Straw Hat Pirates. They are all tied up in front of me. Say hello to Smoker you guys." Kai held up the den den mushi to the crew.

""""""Hi Smokey!"""""" They all said.

Smoker.exe has stopped working. Smoker was confused at everything that was happening right now. Maybe he really wasn't made of smoke and it was all a dream. This had to be a dream. Fujin doing his job? No way!

After waiting for a minute Kai said. "Hello? Earth to Smokey. You there?" Smoker finally got out of his daze. "You really caught them?" He asked.

"Yup. I'm the best aren't I? No need for applause."

"Where are you right now?"

"I already told you. We're on our way to Alabasta."

"Meet me when you get here."

"Sure thing Smokey." Kai was about to hang up when he heard one more thing.

"And Fujin. Good job."

Kai surprises the urge to laugh. "Thanks Smokey. *click*" he hung up and turned to look at everyone tied up.

"Hey Fujin. I really need to go to the bathroom. Would you let me out of these cuffs for a minute. Pleaseeee. It's really embarrassing to do that here." Nami requested.

Kai looked like he thought hard for a moment. "Hmm. Sure, I would be a pretty bad person if I didn't let you." He untied Nami and let her walk to the bathroom. He whistled at how fast she stole all the other keys from him but didn't say anything about it. "*yawn* I need a nap." He said as he walked to his room without a single key still with him.

…

Kai woke up and walked out of his room to see everyone acting like normal without cuffs on. "Wahahaha! Smoker's gonna be pissed!" He started to laugh at the upcoming interaction with his boss. Zoro chuckled and said. "Those phone calls are the funniest thing I've ever heard. Are you sure your boss Smokey won't just kill you next time he sees you?"

Kai just laughed. "Wahahaha! That would be hilarious!" Zoro's eyes narrowed and he asked. "You aren't worried at all?" Kai just shrugged. "Why would I be?" Zoro wasn't sure if this was because Kai didn't care what Smoker would do and enjoyed messing with Smoker regardless of what happens or if he just wasn't concerned about losing to Smoker in a fight. He hoped it was the latter. That would make him strong.

Little did Zoro know that it was actually both. He just liked fucking with Smoker for fun. But he would never lose a fight to him anyway. Not that he would ever fight Smoker, he was one of the few friends Kai had and wanted to help out in life along with, his brother and sister, Luffy, Ace, Sabo, and the rest of the crew, current crew or future crew members.

After the crew and Vivi all drew an x mark on their arm so Bon Clay couldn't pretend to be them Kai looked over to the front of the ship and saw land in the distance.