Kokichi Twists His Tongue in a Tweezer, So He Talked a Turkey Into Tutoring His Tulip

If you specifically clicked this chapter because of the funny title, without reading the rest of the story, for shame! Play "World Bowser" from Mario 3D World!

Stage 36: Dog-Horn Circus

Mission: Why're you reading this, just play the stage!

Kokichi's tongue had fully retracted as he was flung onto the shore of the circus, and he then pulled a dog leash, thus pulling Ashley, Edna, and Big Boy up by the necks, the three screaming as they landed beside him. "You could give us a warning when you do that!" Big yelled.

"It's long past the time for warnings!" Kokichi smiled wickedly. "We got a circus to crash!" To enter the main island, the crew had to bounce up some giant trampolines, each one sending them high into the air, but the last trampoline bounced them through and straight down. "WAAAH!" the pirates screamed as they plummeted, but Kokichi pulled them back up again with his tongue. This time, the pirates overshot the last tramp during their bounce, landing before the circus gates. To open the lock, Ashley cast, "Alohomora!" but the lock yelled, "ALOHA TO YOU, TOO!" jumping off as it whisked Ashley into the sky with hula girl rockets.

"She'll be fine, keep moving." Kokichi ordered, the others proceeding through the gate. The town street consisted of penguins flashing cameras, and the cameras were too hot to touch. To cross this hazard, they had to mount the first available Dog-Horn Head, the snake creature yelping with honks. It carried them safely over the penguins, but they had to navigate around floating fireballs, which were actually exploding Monokumas that were frozen in time. Going around them was no problem, but then Binky Barnes from Arthur came running and crying because he broke his toothpaste, pushing the Dog-Horn into the fireball and burning Big Boy. "YOWCH, OUCH!"

It was then that a doggy-treat flew by on a mini airplane, so the Dog-Horn yelped and pursued. The pirates would have to jump flamethrowers with good timing, trusting the Dog-Horn to still be under them once they landed—it saw a girl dog in its peripheral vision and suddenly angled back, causing the crew to land in the piping-hot cameras. Their butts burning, they flew back onto the Dog-Horn, who began to chase the girl dog down a different way. Circus cannonballs blasted at them from the sides, the crew jumping as necessary, and it seemed there were no other traps. They saw a safe platform coming up, so Edna eagerly jumped—Chimney's head came up and gulped her.

"A necessary sacrifice." Kokichi figured, jumping to the platform with Big Boy and Ashley (who caught up). They had to climb to a taller platform, but the only way was to push a bunch of crates together to make a stairway. The crates varied in height, and Big Boy was in charge of pushing the biggest one. There was also a tiny crate, which didn't seem necessary to begin the stairway, but Kokichi pushed it regardless—"YOU PUSH ON ME, I PUSH YOU BACK!" The crate beat him up mercilessly and sent Kokichi flying. With the stairway completed, all four Dice kids climbed to the platform.

Next, they had to swing ropes over a chasm. The ropes would move side-to-side or up-and-down, but beyond that, the segment was simple. So simple that Kokichi insisted Big Boy go first! So he did, and when he did, one of the ropes was actually a switch, pulling open a wall as a giant Lickitung ran out, leaving a floating trail of saliva that Big was half-buried in. Kokichi helped him out by putting his mouth to Big's, sucking the air in, and pulling him out of the hole before blowing him to proper width. Before following Lickitung's trail, they first went backwards along it, finding three people using giant sausages to beat up an orange-haired man in a purple suit. Those three people were the Joker from Batman, Joker from Persona 5, and Doflamingo Sr. (alias Joker).

"Please help me, good sirs!" pled the torn-and-bloody man. "These hooligans have accused me of identity theft! When I first donned the name 'Joker,' I didn't think it would come with so many misunderstandings!"

"Not to worry, fair prisoner! The Chaos Squad is here!" Kokichi whipped out twin pistols and engaged Persona Joker in a gunfight, and was able to take him down. Edna laid a fake Devil Fruit down for Doffy to chase, the man giddily doing so, but Edna pulled the fruit with a string, leading him into a birdcage, in which he whimpered. Ashley cast, "Riddikulus!" at Bat-Joker, transforming him into a dignified businessman. "You're all saved! This Infi-Cube will have you outta here in a jiffy." Kokichi tossed the cube down for Noah-Joker.

"Oh, thank you, I really—AAAAAHH!" The cube blasted Joker with an Elmo doll, the performer falling from the island.

You rescued all the Noah's Ark Circus performers! Doflamingo Jr. is unlocked as a support ally!

The crew followed Lickitung's trail to a platform where a barrel was available, and it needed to be thrown to break a glass wall. Kokichi told Edna to do this, but it turned out to be a Bonus Barrel, which sucked Edna in and warped her to a broken-down bar where a Krusha was hung by the neck via ceiling fan. While she was finding a way out, Kokichi approached the glass, tripping a wire that caused a TNT to swing down and break it open. They proceeded to a wall of wood crates—"HAHAHAHAHA!" a teenage bikini girl burst through it, but the group jumped into a nearby rabbit hole to evade her vision. Going a bit further, another girl came, so Ashley hid in a hole—the teen changed direction and broke open a hidden wall, while a Dog-Horn thief snatched Ashley's hole in its sack and made off with her.

The crew arrived at a Ferris wheel, in which they simply needed to ride one of the platforms as it rotated up. The sides of the platforms were spiked, but it was a good thing those spikes couldn't affect them in any—for the briefest millisecond, their platform thrusted right with extreme speed, and though it moved only an inch, the crew was flown off into the spikes of an opposite platform. The group tried this again, this time having to jump repeatedly to avoid being shot off. At the top of the Ferris, they jumped to grab a zipline, whooshing across the circus at high speed. The zipline was going over the Goal Flag, so they dropped with the right timing to snag the top—an invisible Barrel Cannon caught them and blasted them back to the beginning. "UUUUUGH!"

"Huh?" Kokichi cocked a brow, noticing the Lickitung saliva trail under the trampolines. "Ah! Perhaps coming back here served to show us a new way. Ashley, lead the way to-" He picked up the witch, about to throw her-

"Switcheroo." Ashley swapped him with herself. Now behind Kokichi, she kicked her leader onto the saliva. Already, he saw the Goal Flag ahead, taunting him, so he ran with determination, but just as he jumped to grab the flag, it was stretching beyond his vision, for Kokichi was falling down an endless abyss. "WHOOOOOOAAAAAA…" The world was black and infinite. All Kokichi saw, delving into the abyss, was an enormous trollface resembling Zach Murphy. Hundreds and hundreds of Goal Flags flew up past Kokichi's vision, but he couldn't move himself to them in time. To mimic his despair, dozens of floating Kokichi heads flew by, all different expressions.

"Heh! Is this how you plan to defeat me?! Trapping me in this infinite loop?! Super Fist of the Infinite Deception of Words: Big Billy Goat, kick this troll off his bridge!"

Kokichi landed on the back of a giant Billy Goat. "Baaaa! I was certain I exterminated all those nasty trolls! This calls for my hydrogen bomb!" The goat burped a hydrogen bomb at the Zach trollface, and the entire abyss vanished in a tremendous explosion. In the process, the circus was left in ruins, Kokichi's crewmates were charred, and the flagpole had fallen, allowing him to swap Zach's flag with a gold one for D.I.C.E.. (End song.)

"Yeah! We won with the power of our friendship!"

"Friendship can't protect us from atomic bombs, dumbass!" Big Boy shouted.

"IT WAS HYDROGEN!"

"That's what you think, Kokichi, but the joke's on you." proclaimed the Billy Goat in a nasally voice.

"That Tom Kenny voice!" the liar gasped. "Is that YOU, Zach?!"

"That's right!" The goat stood and ripped off its mask, exposing his true form. "I was the goat all along! This was all part of my plan to convert Dog-Horn Circus into a shovel factory."

"A shovel factory? Don't be ridiculous!" Kokichi said with a crescent smile. "Everyone knows shovels are produced by rejected Cupids. Why would anyone pay for your factory when they can just pick them from the source?"

"We're way ahead of you!" a girl announced. Hallelujah! Mako sprouted out of the ground, holding a contract. "Zach contacted the Cupid Rejects beforehand! They traded their reproductive glands for two years' worth of clam chowder! With so much clam chowder, they can achieve their dream of building their own swamp, on which they'll attract a lot of homeless werewolves, and the only way to banish them will be to marry a princess and buy the rights to Hollywood!"

"Couldn't have said it any better myself!" Zach smiled proudly.

"So, you tricked me into your ploy, did you?" Kokichi asked. "Enjoy your victory while it lasts, because this is where you and that No Star fall, Zach!"

"It may be time for Fall, but beyond that Fall is a glistening winter chockfull of warm fireplaces and presents!"

"Not for you, Zach!" Kokichi brimmed with Dark Chi, his crewmates taking fighting poses behind him. "This is the winter of your discontent! Soon, the whole universe will know all your friends' secrets! Such as how Wendy secretly turns herself into a sexy woman and takes pictures of herself, or how Nagisa tried to write a proposal to his Negative, asking her to change back into a boy. When these secrets get out, the heroic Kids Next Door will be frowned upon!"

"The only one frowning will be YOU! I ain't holding back like I did on my writing exam, so GET READY!"

Boss fight: Dice Pirates Captain, KOKICHI OMA

"Super Fist of The Fool!" Zach's chi surged with passion, eager to make the first move. "Auntie Murphy's comin' to stay the weekend! You ain't gonna be able to focus when she starts talking about her kiwi collection!" Right on cue, an old woman came driving up in a hover-van. ("At least she's up-to-date with technology." said Ashley.)

"Unfortunately, Aunt Murphy had to cancel." Kokichi smirked. "Uncle Tilbert ran into a taco Stand, so she needs to bring him a magic beetle pin."

"A capital letter?!" Zach caught that. "Not an enemy Stand! And it attacks using tacos?!"

"Not just any tacos! These are magic tacos that make you fall in love with gerbils!" ("EH?!")

"Hola!" Ernesto Taco popped up, shooting tacos into Tilbert's mouth. "He let me outta prison and made me do this comedy routine. Better than eating Ho-hos all day."

"Oh, my sweet Gerbella." Uncle Tilbert held a gerbil lovingly. "I will spend eternity with you."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife!" Ernesto proclaimed. "I hope you all live happily!"

"TOO BAD!" Kokichi kicked him away. "Gerbella is actually a soldier fighting a war with the Guinea Pig Empire. The power of love compels you to fight beside her!"

"SCREEEEEEE!" An army of guineas were charging their way. The Gerbil Family, Zach included, cried and hugged each other for comfort. Family would stick together until the end!

Hallelujah! "Stop! Desist!" Mako emerged in their path, stopping the guineas. "Your rage has been misplaced! The gerbils did not steal your flash-drives. They were taken by a hiking piano player, who attached them to her piano to use as extra keys."

"Well, that's a twist-and-a-half." Edna commented. "I wonder if we'll ever find this thief?"

Behind her was a piano with flash-drives attached. "WAIT, ME?! AAAAAHHH!" The guineas ganged up on her mercilessly.

"Oh, sweet Gerbella." Tilbert hugged his wife. "Now we can finally live happily." They shared a kiss.

Zach was awed by their union. "Awwww. GO RETIRE, ALREADY!" He kicked them like a soccerball, striking Kokichi with great force!

"D'AH!" The liar bounced along the ground, but landed upright. "Your technique was brilliant, but it's my turn. Super Fist of the Infinite Deception of Words: Dog-Horn Island is in violation of the Cleanliness Code and must be put through an Island Wash!"

"That's crazy! Mass-washing Dog-Horn could transform their horns into saxophones! Luckily, Island Washes don't exist, so there's no way that could happen."

"Then why are we floating through one right now?"

"WHUH?!" Indeed, the island was sailing under a giant carwash. "NOOOOOO!" The entire island was scrubbed to perfection: when it came out, all the Dog-Horns were half-naked and dancing seductively. "Curses! They're saxophones now!" ("Swap in that 'a' for an 'e', you idiot!" Ashley yelled.)

"Don't forget this series is inspired by shōnen manga!" Kokichi declared. "And all shōnen manga need good quality fanservice. So, service him, Saxophones!"

The Dog-Horns dressed as waitresses and carried plates with oscillator fans to Zach. "Wait, ladies! If I eat fans before dinnertime, I won't be able to digest my sea-pork!"

"Zach, just eat sky-pork!" Mako came running with a plate of such food. "It tastes great with fans!"

"Oh, Mako, thank you! Come to Papa!" Zach stretched his mouth wide, allowing all the fans and sky-pork into his belly.

"You foolish girl!" Kokichi formed his nightmare face. "Sky-pork is only ripe after it's absorbed moisture from the sea, which makes it no different from sea-pork!"

"NOOOO! I'm sorry, Zach!"

"Blaaaaahhh…" Unable to digest said sea-pork, the weight of the watery pig weighed him down like a cannonball. "I…I don't blame… you, Mako… I blame Big Boy." ("WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?!" Big Boy screamed.)

"You snuck in food from outside Dog-Horn!" Kokichi kicked him in the gut. "On the bright side, Zach is helpless in that condition. Crew, attack him!" The four Dice Pirates charged, Mako panicking to think of a way to protect her boyfriend.

"Ah! That's it!" Mako zipped away and caught Ashley's pet, Red in a butterfly net.

"Hey! Let me go!"

Mako returned to guard Zach, aiming a spray bottle at Red. "Don't come a step closer, or I'll shoot your pet with tomato juice!"

"No! I can't drink tomato juice or it'll dye my skin! I won't be able to compete in Mating Season!"

Uncaring, Ashley aimed her wand and zapped them both with an electric spell. Mako and Red fainted. "HIYAAAAAH!" The four pirates leapt and STOMPED Zach's bloated belly from all directions. The fat compressed and molded like a lava-lamp, and it turned into tentacles that grabbed the four. Kokichi's crew were raised to the heavens. "H-Hey! What's happening?!" Kokichi panicked.

"Ladies and gentlemen! The Strobe Light Sage is proud to present: THE CORN… AND… THE CABBY!" The four were forced up through a stage, thousands cheering for this theatrical production!

On an average sunny day, a little corn crop carrying a briefcase approached them. "Excuse me, sirs. I dropped my keys in the sewer and am in need of a cabby."

"Why, I have one right here!" Edna stretched her arm and yanked over a taxi from offscreen. "I'll give you a ride for only 25¢!"

"That's just my minimum wage!" The corn happily handed her the coin. Both got in the cab as Edna began driving.

"So, which road do we take?" Edna asked, enjoying the pleasant drive.

"Bumper Drive, miss." At that instant, Edna's eyes shot wide at the horde of bumper cars speeding her way. "AAAAHH!" The taxi spun and bounced around the street like a hockey puck, the driver unable to retake control. "WAAAAAHH! 'ELP MEEEE!"

"I'll save you, Edna!" Kokichi yelled, determined. "Super Fist of Infinite Deception: the bumper sticker store is closing!"

"But if the sticker store closes," Ashley said, "bumper cars will go out of style and they'll have to switch to dodgers."

"Exactly!" As Kokichi expected, the dodger cars were jumping out of Edna's way, allowing her to focus and finish the drive to the corn's place of business.

"Sweet! Now I won't have to give a refund~" Edna smirked.

But Kokichi jumped in the road and asked, "Hey Edna, can I ride your dodger, too?!"

Following its programming, the taxi dodger evaded Kokichi, going off a cliff in the process. "Uh-oh. AAAAAAHHH!" Edna screamed as the taxi plummeted, smashing Zach like a pancake.

"Mwahaha! You thought your silly theater trap was gonna get me?!" Kokichi laughed. "Everyone knows reality stories about sentient corn have gone out of style."

"That's a terrible thing to say!" Mako argued. "The Strobe Light Sage was going to revive the genre! His script was emotional and life-changing! But you just ruined it!"

"And I say he ruined it first, and what I say goes! In my world of Infinite Deception, the world is built on lies! Despair triumphs hope, passion and heart are meaningless, and corn movies just plain suck!"

"RAAAH!" Edna then shot up and smashed his head with an oil pipe, squishing the middle of Kokichi's head while his eye sides inflated. Kokichi now looked like an alien. "You can suck a cactus for using me like that!"

"Besides, let's say that you're right, Kokichi." The pancake that was Zach flapped up, standing vertically. "If corn movies are laughable, people are only going to waste time laughing at them. You wasted so much time that it's too late. Already, I have converted the entire Planet Hyrule into an exercise ball. We're in Wii Fit Trainer's gym as we speak."

"Wait, whah?" Kokichi viewed down at the planet: there did seem to be a new rubberiness about it. And the sky above them was a posh, white gym, the Wii Fit towering above them like a goddess.

"Now, class, watch the flow of my movements as I demonstrate." Trainer said to her students. She performed some fluid motions, breathed softly—then whipped out a gun and shot Hyrule.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Everyone screamed as the planet-ball blew around like a balloon. Day and night had become nonexistent; it was definitely the end for Hyrule. "Kokichi, do something!" Ashley yelled, the pirates holding onto each other.

"Too late!" Zach yelled. "In a few seconds, Hyrule will fold itself over Poké, and you'll be in perfect alignment with the sushi factory!" Just as planned, Hyrule folded over Poké like a blanket, but since their island was upside-down, the Dice Pirates fell to the other planet and crashed through the roof of a factory. They landed and stood back up beside a sushi belt.

"Time to get to work!" said Nurse Joy Facet-2154 in a strict tone. "Sort this sushi based on what Pokémon types like them!"

"How do we figure those out?!" Ashley asked.

"Simple. The sociable Pokémon want sushi who're outgoing, the shut-in Pokémon prefer dull and quiet sushi, but some abide by the 'opposites attract' rule, so you'll have to give them the opposing sushi."

"I thought you were talkin' elemental types!" Big Boy yelled. "We can't do matchmaking!"

"Don't just stand there, Big, work!" Kokichi ushered, he and the girls quickly filling sushi trays.

"WAAAH! You started without me!"

"Time's up!" Joy announced. "Let's see how you did."

In the dining room, the various Pokémon were gazing romantically at their sushi dates. Gentle piano music was playing (using the flash-drive piano). "Did we… do good?" Big Boy asked.

"YOU DID NOTHING!" Joy smashed him with a broom.

"Too bad it ain't gonna last." Kokichi smirked. "Super Fist of Infinite Deception: the sushi are all gold-diggers!"

"You're wrong!" Joy yelled. "The sushi are loyal love interests and love their mates in a wholesome way!"

"I'll tell you what's wholesome: those mounds of dirt!" Kokichi pointed to a digging site, where all the sushi were determinedly digging, chucking gold bars out. "Like I said: gold-diggers."

"We can finally buy Hawaii!" The sushi drove off in limousines, their Pokémon partners crying from heartbreak.

"NYA HAHAHA! Your sushi labor trap backfired, Zach! Now all those Pokémon's lives are ruined! And it's time for them to file Chapter 7 Bankruptcy."

"YATA!" A muscular man with a pompadour named Knuckle Bine landed. "Zach, your ability has failed these Pokémon! I will ruin you just as I ruined the Chimera Ant Arc! WAAAAAH!" He lunged forth with a foot aimed at Zach. The kick landed, Zach's gut compressing as he blew through the wall.

"Oh, no!" Mako ran to her boyfriend in concern. "Now Zach's chi will be blocked for a month!"

"Grrr… I'm fine, Mako." Zach weakly pulled himself up. "I traded chi-paths with Jar Jar, but what I actually gave him was a toothpick statue, so I still have my own. But still… I never encountered another clown like him. He might be stronger than the strongest guy I fought."

"That's because, unlike you, I'm not afraid to hurt people with my pranks!" Kokichi stated. "When a person is aggravated, they steadily show their true colors, and then their secrets become plain as day. George used to 'poison' his father's meals to make him sick, and MaKayla let him. Emily likes to trick 'stupid' people into trying to solve a Rubik's Cube and analyzes how long it takes them to realize it's unsolvable. This power of mine is what will destroy the KND! You could never hope to match me, Zach!"

"If I can't match you, then I'll unmatch you! I'll counter your Infinite Deception of Words with my Words of Deceptive Infinity!"

"Words of What? You mean to tell me you'll turn my lies outside-in again? Go ahead and try because I'll flip them right back."

"Super Fist of The Fool: Infinite Crossword Maze!" With a great surge of power, they were all teleported to a newspaper crossword puzzle. "Now then: I need a septillion-letter word for 'body odor.'"

"Are we just supposed to stand here while you make up words?" Ashley asked.

"I know one!" Mako beamed. "It's called 'stinkatrociousfilthiorridairypitty'…" The word dragged on for ages, ramming the Dice Pirates like a train.

"Super Fist of Infinite Deception: this word is considered offensive to dung beetles and should be removed from all media!" Just like that, the word-train began disappearing, starting from their front end. The scattered dust transformed into grumpy dung beetles, flying to give Zach a whoopin'.

"Time for my next Word of Deceptive Infinity! I invoke Solumapra!" Hearing this, the beetles perked up and zipped away.

"What does THAT mean?" Edna asked.

"They're going bowling with cement trucks!"

Some bowling pins fell around the Dices, matching their uniforms. HOOOOONK! Cement tankers came rolling, squishing the pirates flat. Kokichi jumped back to 3D and yelled, "Let's see how this crossword survives when coffee is spilled on it!"

"Coffeelus Accidenti Spille!" Ashley waved her wand and cast a spell to the sky, conjuring a giant cup of coffee. A dog zipped across the air and rammed the cup, and a great wave of coffee spilled, drowning the Infinite Crossword.

"NYA hahaha!" The Dice Pirates were safe on a lifeboat. "So much for your strategy, Zach- oh?"

Surfer music was booming as hundreds of dads, with robes and five-o'clock shadows, were surfing the coffee on kitchen chairs. "Hark, fellow dads! Let us maketh way for fair washing basin in yonder cleansing quarters!"

"Those dads should take a hint from your aunt, because they're seriously uncool!" Ashley yelled.

"These dads are due for a shavin'!" Zach surfed alongside them. "And you guilty clowns better quit clownin' around and shave your act!"

The pirates were swept away with the surfers, landing in an infinite bathroom where the dads took position at a sink. "Let me guess, you're gonna turn us into chrome domes?" Kokichi asked.

"Actually," Mako began, "all their facial hair is made of chromium, and they all shave leftward." Truth to her words, the dads all shaved left, so their tiny, sharp follicles flew into the Dices and pricked them. "Yow, ow, yelp!"

"Ahoy, padres!" a dad pointed. "The pattern by which our follicles doth prick them hath formed a map!" In the Dices' static posture, the shaved hair formed a map on their bodies. "Prithee, maintain that form 'til we find the treasure of Granpan!"

The dads spent half-an-hour analyzing the map. "Grrrr! When is this stupid gag gonna end?!" Kokichi asked.

"So, this is what Deceptive Infinity means." Big Boy replied.

"Pray, for I hath determined yonder solution!" a dad proclaimed. "The ridges of yon map are the edges by which we must fold Hyrule!"

The dads began to fold the deflated Hyrule into a neat, organized shape over Poké. "'Tis done! Now, which clue pointeth to the treasureth?"

"HERE'S YOUR TREASURE!" A giant fat lady dumped more deflated planets on the Dices. "MORE LAUNDRY!"

"Great Household Matriarch! This map was thine trickery!"

"And this is mine!" Kokichi rocketed out of the pile. "Super Fist of Infinite Deception: dads gotta work overtime at the Bobblehead Factory!"

"Boo-hoo-hooooooo…" The dads moaned at their treadmill stations, halfheartedly fixing bobbleheads of Chris Uno.

"Darn you, Kokichi! Nothing is funny about overtime!" Zach yelled. (Play "Revival Edition" from Danganronpa V3!)

"It is when I'm not doing it! MWAHAHAHA! You think anyone is laughing at your dumb jokes, Zach?! The only thing people laugh at is the misfortune of others. That's why smelly grown-ups only laugh at satire. Even if the KND's secrets don't damage their reputation immediately, imagine the satire that'll come up as a result. Their truths will be flavored with lies, which will go down in history as 'truths' in their own right. Can you say for certain everything you read in history is 'true'?! The world is an Infinite Deception of Words, and I am invincible!"

"Well, newsflash for you, I'm bad at history! Laughing at real peoples' misfortune is just tasteless. If people don't wanna laugh at pure, wholesome humor, then I don't want them to laugh at all!"

"You're one to talk! The entire point of this battle is to attack each other with our gags. Face it, Zach, even your 'wholesome' humor comes at peoples' expense. Your philosophy is a lie!"

"It may come at their expense, but I always pay 'em back with interest! In fact, there are so many interests that people can't wait for Christmas, anymore. Put 'em to work, Jack!"

"Merry AMAZON!" Jack Skellington descended and CRUSHED the pirates with mountain-size sacks of presents. "Okay, children, Zach promised to deliver presents to all the people who've been damaged in this gag, and he signed your names on the contract. All aboard the Star Sleigh!" Jack kicked the presents and pirates on a sleigh, which zoomed across Hyrule at lightspeed.

"WAAAAAAHHHH!" They were going so fast that they couldn't control their limbs, let alone throw the presents down. Luckily, the billions of people could smell their interests incoming, so they came flying onto the sleigh.

"Wait a second!" Big Boy realized, "Since he involved these two planets in this battle, he has to pay interest back to everyone!"

"That damn brat had this planned from the beginning!" Ashley followed.

"Finally! My limited-edition Maddy Haki Fists have arrived!" A Spanish girl dug into the sack and donned two large black fists over her own. "I gotta try 'em out now! AYAYAYAYAYAYA!" She unloaded a storm of punches upon Big Boy.

"Finally! Supreme Leader Nebula's antique Star Earrings!" A Malaysian girl grabbed two huge earrings and attached them. "I wonder if they spin as fast as real stars?" She spun like a top, the stars whirling in streaks of light. Kokichi's neckerchief was snagged on a point, so he spun around with her. "WAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Sweet! A replica of Nolan's old wheelchair!" A young man with mechanical armor beamed as he sat himself in it. "I've always wanted to do a Wheelchair Ground Pound!" And so he did, squishing Edna in the process.

"I got Karkat's first Clawsickles!" an Epik-looking girl beamed. "Feel how pinchy they are!" She began to pinch Ashley with the claws.

"This Happy-Chaos Cannon is just as bizarre as the Candyman said it would be!" proclaimed a Masked man, blasting the pirates with a beam of giggles and distortion.

"There's my Ciel Phantomhive eyepatch!" A Swedish girl began to put it around her head. She stretched the front part until the back was fully steady, and once the patch slapped on, the resulting shockwave sliced off Ashley's pigtails.

Just as well, every other citizen of Hyrule and a chunk of Poké pummeled the pirates with their interests. "And they ain't the only ones!" Zach reminded. "All those planets the Housewife Matriarch brought were from Galaxia! Their interests are coming next!"

"ENOUGH!" Kokichi blew all the people off him. "Super Fist of Infinite Deception: all their interests are dead and replaced with Bathtime Yo-yos!" With a poof of chi, all their presents became talking yo-yos, saying things like, "Remember to scrub behind the ears, kids!"

"And that goes for you too, Zach! Your style is dead, too! It's time for you to quit being a comedian and become a generic Moonbase officer like anyone else!" With another poof, Zach was forced to don his decommissioner uniform.

"Perfect." Ashley sharpened her glare on the boy. "Now that he's just a generic operative, he's open to… attack?" She realized that, instead of a wand, she was holding a toilet plunger.

The other pirates gasped, holding one as well! Ashley's plunger grew eyes and spoke, "You're so pretty, Ashwee. I bet you have da most bootiful bwain in the world."

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" The plungers enveloped their faces in their lips.

"Back when decommissioning was still cool, I thought it'd be cool if the plungers were in a secret romance with the traitors." Zach said. "Indeed, I think that's what sparked my creativity: the spark of human-plunger romance!"

Alas, these sparks were so passionate that fireworks launched to the sky, taking the shape of heart-shaped plungers. The actual sparks consisted of crystal popcorn, which fell at such a speed that the pirates received cuts all over. "Now Ashley is pissed! Turn these crystals into mist!" Ashley cast her spell, and the spray of the crystals-turned-mist felt pleasant on their skin.

"Smart thinkin', Ashley!" Big Boy praised. "But what's that figure rising from the mist?"

A mysterious shadow that was shaped like Zach was seen through the mist. "Broooo! I am the Belly Phantom! Gimme your loincloths so I may breed spiders in my bed!"

"Infinite Deception: the spiders are religious and decided to become abstinent!"

"OH, HELL NO!" Spider-Man shot out of the mist and kicked Kokichi upside the jaw. "I'm in the middle of settin' up mah harem, I can't be no abstinent!"

"Harem, shmarem! You're older than Yoda!"

Spider-Man took off his mask, revealing himself as Yoda. "With women, do or do not: no try, is there."

"GO RETIRE, you dumb film school mascot!" Big Boy powerfully punched Yoda into Zach.

"Thanks for the save, Biggy!" Kokichi smiled. "Now I'm going all-out on him!"

"Not me! You still have a date with Mama Plunger!"

"W…What the…" It was then Kokichi felt a shadow loom over him. The entire sky was eclipsed by a tremendous, pudgy woman with a plunger head.

"Oh, Kokichi! The laundry looks beautiful! You folded them up so well!"

"Laundry?!"

"Don't worry. I got your back." He felt a whisper in his ear; Kokichi realized a tiny Mako was behind his earlobe. "I managed to help all the dads finish their bobbleheads, so they could get home in time to fold the planets. We're on Secco as we speak."

"WHEN DID WE GET TO SECCO?!"

"Planet Secco is just the right radius for the end of mah uvula." Mama Plunger said. "You're such a good boy, Kokichi, and good boys deserve a good pair of lips! Pucker up!" Her lips formed a circle, crashing toward the planet like a meteor.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" The Dice Pirates were already trapped in the pucker's suckulation. "Fist of Infinite Deception: the bottom-left corner of Secco didn't dry right and it squeezes her uvula!"

"DWAAAAAHH!" The sucking ceased as the planet-size plunger reeled back. "Consarn it… there goes my collection of old 1900s TV remotes."

"Her collection of what?" Ashley asked.

"Super Fist of Deceptive Infinity!" As Zach spoke, the plunger's head lunged back forward, spewing "A Trillion-Year Backlash of Remote Binge-Eating!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" The remotes felt like a storm of plastic rocks, and were as vastly painful as one would suspect in rapid succession. The Dice Pirates crashed back onto Secco, but with the remotes contributing weight to the laundry-planet, it fell off the zipline, landing in a puddle of gopher water.

The pirates lay pathetically in the puddle as Zach donned sunglasses, which sparkled coolly. "My name is Zach Murphy. I was born to a mom and a dad. I've been sending bullies to detention since days of yore. And the most important thing I learned was… gophers enjoy hydration." With a final strum of a guitar, Kokichi floated to a giant gopher, and was licked gently. (End song.)

Mako and Zach proceeded to handcuff the defeated pirates. "That was a close call, but we pulled through, Zach. Let's fly back down and help Cheren."

"Mmmnngh… it's too late… anyway…" Kokichi gasped hoarsely, his psychotic smile unchanging. "My plan… is already… complete."

It was only expected the entire Free Kingdom was swept up in the backlash of the battle. All the invading Hyruleans had been stunned by the chaos, while Dillon, Vanel, and Sheila's group were riding a wind tunnel to Goldpaw. "So, they finally caught Kokichi, huh?" Dillon said, the group having received the news from Zach. "But what about his threat?"

"We'll just have to see what happens." Mason replied. "On the bright side, the backup is here." A small fleet of GKND pirate ships were sailing out of space. "Now we just need to rescue Nebula and apprehend the remaining pirates."

On Goldpaw, Cheren had let out the last of his chuckles after the battle. Afterwards, he frowned, looking as Lanky approached. The aptly-named Dice Pirate smirked behind his mask. "There's nothing you can do now, Cheren. The secrets have been uploaded. Kokichi's plan has succeeded."

Cheren gave a light smile. "Good."

…

"Nebula? What is this?"

The reason behind Mandy's question was the giant Lickitung washing her hair with its tongue. "Uh… I believe it's a Pokémon."

"…Where did it come from?"

"From the dark recesses of someone's mind…"