Asleep or Dead

Jess was doubled over and clutching her chest. She was the least athletic of our group with Michelle coming in at close second, so I convinced myself that she just needed a break. Just a moment to catch her breath.

"Keep going, I'll be back," I said to Wolf.

He disregarded my request and stopped walking.

"Are you okay?" I asked Jess as I reached her, placing tentative hands on her shoulders and squeezing in encouragement.

She looked up at me, her face contorted in pain. It took her a second to catch her breath before responding.

"I . . . feel . . ."

A screech sounded off somewhere in the distance and I jumped. My eyes darted to Wolf, but he made no move to defend or attack. If he wasn't worried about the noise, then I wasn't either.

Next to us, the police officer grunted and pulled on his collar.

/Everything is going to be okay./

"I think—I think I'm okay," Jess said. "My chest just . . . hurts a little bit is all. I can keep going, though. I'm not used to running so much." She forced a smile on her face before wincing.

Her shoulders hunched inward and she bent over to heave in a breath.

The police officer looked up from Jess to me. He continued to rub at his chest, then cleared his throat. "We should rest, anyway. We're all a little ragged right now."

I shook my head and ignored Jake as he muttered to a silent and crying Michelle. "No, we can't. We have to keep going. I'm sure the exit isn't too much farther."

Wolf was still standing in the same spot, staring directly at me, his head canted.

"Well, are we close to the exit?" I asked him.

He shook his head and I watched him for a moment, trying to figure out what he meant. Michelle trembled in Jake's arms, who was white as a sheet and stone-faced.

Another bellow reached us—the Echo, sending its pulses down the corridors in search of something to attack. My eyes widened and I gaped at Wolf in disbelief.

He'd been following the Echo's trail the entire time, hunting it down and dragging us along for the ride.

"Why . . . why would you . . . ? You said you were going to help!"

When he didn't respond, I shook my head and turned back to my friends, breathing heavy as I fought back frustrated tears. I'd be mad at him later.

/Everything is going to be okay./

Jess whimpered and I moved around to her side, trying to make her straighten up. She was doubled over, both hands holding her chest.

I set my arm around her shoulders and hugged her tight, whispering, "Jess? Jess stand up and put your hands on . . ."

She wheezed violently and fell to her knees. I crouched in front of her, rubbing her back with gentle strokes. My heart pounded against my chest and my mind fought to rationalize, to convince myself that it was fine.

We'd been running. She wasn't in good shape, so she wasn't used to all the exercise and stress. We were all frantic and panicking—it was a stress cough.

/Everything is going to be okay./

"Jess?" My voice was small.

Her shoulders quaked and everyone else crowded around, asking if she was okay. One of them coughed several times, but I couldn't tell who it was.

"It—it hurts," Jess whimpered, gasping for breath.

Someone squeaked in surprise and I felt a familiar weight on my shoulder—Wolf's hand. He chittered with urgency and I shrugged him off, lifting a hand and waving it around my head to try to ward him away.

"Just give her some space! Just back up!"

Jake stepped up next to me, his face grim. "Nichole, I think that—"

"SHUT UP! I need to think, I have to figure this out."

He glowered and made to take a step toward me, but Michelle clutched him tight. So he remained by her side and said, "No! Nichole, there were these things, okay? These little spider things! Everywhere in the room! And the people who had died in there . . . I saw Victor, his chest—"

Jess cried out, cutting him off, and I turned toward her with wide eyes.

"That thing . . . the spider thing . . . It was on me and . . . Nichole is that going to happen to me?" she whimpered.

My heart plummeted to the bottom of my feet.

/Everything is going to be okay./

"I . . . I don't know. I didn't see any spider thing, Jess. Just take deep breaths. Okay? Just breathe deep and stand up and put your hands on your head—it'll open your airways better and—"

She had to be okay. I had to make things right. I could still fix this. I had to fix it.

Michelle choked out a sob somewhere to my side. "Nichole . . ."

A soul-shattering crack split through the small corridor, punctuated by Jess' cry of pain. Then, everything else fell silent.

"Jess?" I whispered, sitting back, looking at her from arm's length. Jess crumpled to the floor and writhed, her eyes closed tight and mouth open in silent wails.

Tears started to slide down my cheeks. "Jess?"

/Everything is going to be okay./

"Oh my god," Michelle sobbed.

Jake pulled Michelle away from the scene and out of my line of sight. One of them—the cop, Wolf, whoever—tugged on my arm, but I was like an anchor, rooted to that spot on the ground.

Jess bucked and heaved, one of her hands snatched out to grab my wrist. I dropped my weapon to clutch her hand with both of mine, my mouth working but unable to create sound.

At last, I managed to let out one more meek word. "Jessica?"

She answered with a scream that tore me in half. Her ribcage split with the same sound as splintering glass and her shirt tore. Wet droplets splattered my face and neck, but I barely noticed them.

Her body bucked with one last spasm. Her eyes wide and mouth agape, she tried to pull in one last, rattling breath before she fell still.

From the silence came a high-pitched lament that reverberated through the hall.

Me, wailing.

/Everything is NOT going to be okay./

Michelle screamed incoherent words, drowning out my own sounds of anguish. She continued to scream and shuffled around in my peripherals. Jake fought to keep her from bolting from the scene like a frightened mare, dragging her farther away.

She collapsed to her knees and was sick. "What the fuck oh my god no! Jess!" she said in a shrill voice.

Jake was just as frantic. "Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. . . ."

The cop hooked his arm around my waist and started tugging me away. I turned to deadweight in his grip and dug my heels in, grunting and whining like a petulant toddler, gathering Jess in my arms. Her name left my tongue over and over.

Then everything hazed over and I stopped fighting him. It was like I was viewing the world from behind a sheet of glass, all noises muffled and disjointed.

The world faded away until it was only me and Jess' body, half pulled into my lap as if I could bring her back.

A tiny, gray head peered out from the hole it had created. It turned to looked at everyone, its sightless head falling on me last. Then it slithered out to make a break for it.

A guttural snarl ripped from my throat. I wrenched myself free of the officer and lunged. The blade Wolf had given me was in my hand in an instant and I reached over Jess' body.

With a violent motion, I lashed out at the chestburster swift and hard, cleaving the thing in two like butter. I left the blade there, stuck part in the floor, and stumbled blindly to my feet.

My ears rang. Rage guttered in my chest and the police officer pulled me away again.

The world crashed on top of me in an avalanche of sensations. Michelle was screaming, Jake was shouting, and the cop pushed me back before removing his uniform jacket and covering Jess.

I looked down at the redness on my palms, my mouth open in a strangled cry. I stumbled back before bumping into something solid as a wall; a wall that chittered.

Wolf put his hand on my shoulder and moved me behind him. I still staggered back, unable to maintain my balance, and fell to my knees. Between each gasp for breath, I fought to control the sobs that wracked my frame.

/How could this have gone so wrong?/

"There was one on me, too!" Michelle wailed.

/It wasn't supposed to be like this, it wasn't supposed to . . ./

This was so much worse than watching it happen to Anderson. It all hit me like a punch to the gut.

"Me, too," Jake muttered. He was despondent, unable to look away from the creature that had killed Jess.

The officer had his hand on his head as he paced.

Michelle became hysteric. "Don't let that happen to me! I can't have that! I can't go through that! Please! Please you gotta do something!" I didn't know who she was talking to.

When I looked up, she was staring at me with horror. "Did you know about this, Nichole?"

I swallowed hard and managed a tiny little shake of my head. My Jaw worked up and down, but no sounds came out.

How could I admit to it?

How could I tell them that I knew exactly what happened to those on the ship?

That it was my fault Jess suffered?

My fault they would all suffer.

Eyes bulging, Michelle grabbed Jake by one hand and dug her fingers into her chest with the other. "Jake! Jake please I can't go through that, please I can't! What do we do? I don't want to die like that!"

Her hysterics were making her cough more.

Jake pulled her tight and she blubbered into his chest, her shoulders heaving with each sob.

I simpered behind Wolf, my hands up by my head and chest constricting with each inhale. My entire body shuddered in convulsions and I sucked in air through my mouth. Suppressing the screams was becoming harder and harder.

Jake was speaking, but I couldn't hear. I tuned them out and stared between them, my eyes locked on the uniform concealing Jess.

/This isn't what I wanted/—I pushed on the sides of my head with my hands, eyes wide and teeth grinding—/I was going to make it better/—I drew in a quaking breath and wrapped my arms around myself—/I did this/—I shook my head and clenched my eyes shut—/I did this/—all I'd wanted was to make things better, to make it up to them.

Not make it worse.

Michelle was beside herself and Jake was doing his best to console her. But why bother? This was how it was going to end. For all of them. I couldn't think of a solution; my mind was in a haze.

If I'd listened to Wolf, I would have had been able to apologize properly. They wouldn't be suffering. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and looked behind me.

The officer was leaned against a wall, coughing and hacking. For some reason Jake was before Wolf, imploring him for something. Michelle hung from his arm, tears flowing down her cheeks.

Slowly, I came back to reality.

Michelle shook her head and sniffed wetly, swallowed hard, and yanked on Jake's arm. "No, no I don't. I don't want to! I don't want—I don't want to die at all! Baby, babe, Jake, baby please there has to be . . ."

Suddenly, she let go of Jake and ran to my side, taking my hands in hers. "Can't he fix it? Can he take them out?"

I supported her the best I could when her legs buckled from pain, but we both wound up kneeling on the ground.

When she spoke again, she strained with the words. "Nichole—Tell me, tell me he can get it out. He can, right? He's got . . . he's got the alien tech!"

Though my mouth opened, nothing came from it. I shook my head, fresh tears welling in my eyes, and glanced over my shoulder at Wolf. He motioned toward the ship as a whole and I swallowed.

"The ship," I whispered. "When it crashed, the systems went down. The machines are all . . ."

Her grip on my arms loosened and her momentarily hopeful expression deadened into despair. Jake pulled her off me and hugged her to his chest.

"This is the only way," Jake murmured.

/What's the only way?/

I looked to Wolf for answers; he regarded me in silence, flexing his arm. The blades in his wrist gauntlet extended with a metallic hiss and he tilted his head to the side. Everyone flinched at the sound, including me.

"I won't let some stupid alien do this," came the officer's voice.

He took two strides forward, his arm moving from his hip upward. Wolf growled and stepped to my side at the same time a loud pop shattered my eardrums, leaving me rattled and ears ringing.

Jake wrenched unnaturally and collapsed in a heap.

A strangled noise came from Michelle and then she shrieked, "JAKE! BABY, NO!"

She fell to her knees by him and continued to wail. "Jake! No, no, no, no!" Her hands fluttered over his body, unsure of where to land or how to help.

Then, she rounded on the officer who was still holding his gun up and she screeched, "Why? What the fuck? What the fuck! I—you didn't let us say goodbye!"

The officer lowered his sidearm. His free hand was clutching his chest, and he labored with his breathing. Every now and again he jerked with spasms.

"It's easier if it's quick," he muttered, his voice rough and heavy.

This . . . ? This is what they had been talking about? They were going to end it on their own terms. Wolf had been trying to tell me the whole time. He would have put them out of their misery a long time ago.

I'd stopped him. Jess shouldn't have had to suffer.

/You're nothing but a burden to everyone./

Even so, my emotions warred with logic and my body moved of its own accord; I was just an observer now, watching from outside.

I scrambled over on my hands and knees to Michelle, holding her arm with both my hands. My eyes were on the officer, though, my head shaking with a silent plea.

He couldn't shoot her, I didn't want him to shoot her. Just one, surely I could save one of them.

They couldn't all die.

A rough hand stole me away from her, prying me with inhuman strength. I stumbled up with an incoherent protest, reaching out for Michelle.

She reached back even as Wolf pulled me farther away, chittering and growling the entire time. His grip remained firm on me though I tugged against it as hard as I could.

"Michelle," I managed to warble, the tears falling freely. "Michelle—"

She turned toward me and started to say something, but she doubled over and grabbed at her chest. In place of her sentence came an agonized shriek of pain.

My heart withered and my fortitude faded until Wolf was the only thing keeping me on my feet.

The officer swallowed hard and raised his weapon again. "I'm sorry—it'll be quick, I promise."

And then he fired.

It jarred me to the bone and I jerked as if it was me he was shooting. Michelle fell limp, folding over atop her boyfriend. Wolf went quiet, watching the officer. His blades retracted back into his gauntlet.

There was a tight pain in my chest. An ever-present hole formed, a hollow void where my heart was. Like I would never be able to breathe again.

A numbness spread throughout me, the only sensation being that crippling abyss. It swallowed me whole and I fell to my knees at the same time the cop did. Wolf let me go this time, allowing me to slip down into a slump.

"I've got one left," the officer said. I looked up at him to see he had already sighted me.

I couldn't bring myself to care.

The officer spoke again. "The big guy can take care of me however he wants."

Wolf, however, issued a warning growl and stepped in front of me, extending his blades again. The officer stared at the two of us, looked back at the bodies, then sighed.

"So she's not infected?"

Wolf made an affirmative sound.

"Alright," the officer said, placing the gun against his temple. He could hardly hold it there while his body convulsed from its affliction. Already the sound of splintering bones was filling the hallway. He didn't have much time.

Our eyes met.

"I'm sorry," he told me. To Wolf, he added, "You take care of that kid. She's never going to be the same."

I barely heard the shot this time; I was far away from the scene, watching from a distance as the officer hit the ground. Sights, sounds—all of it was muddled and shimmery. I was in a dream.

Trapped in a nightmare of my own design.

Wolf watched their bodies and I rose, hollow and weary. Without a word, I headed down the hallway.

Every step was unsteady and haphazard. My muscles shook like leaves in the wind and I felt so cold. So empty. Not even the gruesome sounds of tearing skin and broken bones could penetrate the nothingness.

There came a tiny squeal, cut short by singing metal. I stumbled and chewed on the bottom of my lip until it split, filling my mouth with a coppery taste.

I didn't know where I was going. Sounds of drones echoed down the hallway, drawn by the commotion. What did it matter, though? So what if they found me?

Wolf stopped me and I looked up at him, not caring if he saw me crying. In his hand was the weapon I'd left behind. I stared at it as if I'd never seen it before.

He forced me to take hold of it. He babbled gibberish at me, then took point and headed down the hallway.

Just as I'd thought. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Death was expected in his line of duty.

It still cut me deep. The sorrow and emotional numbness muted the anger I wanted to feel at his lack of empathy. How could I be mad at him when this was normal? What did I expect? Sympathy? Condolences? A pat on the head?

Wolf didn't care my friends were all dead. He didn't care about my feelings. For all I knew his species wouldn't even be able to comprehend what I was going through.

Onward he dragged me, the sound of the Echo and its entourage right behind us.

/Whatever. Let them come./

He opened up a door and pushed me inside, following closely. Instead of closing it, he pushed me deeper inside the room and waited a second. Then, he turned to me and made a gesture I only saw from the corner of my eye before he disappeared.

Alone in that room, I came crashing back to the world and I could feel everything.

Sobs formed knots in my chest and throbbed in the back of my head. I kept them in, but my legs refused to hold my weight any longer. My knees buckled and I collapsed to the ground, my head in my hands.

Wolf's rattling ceased and was replaced by the thundering footsteps of the Echo. It rushed past with a roar.

When the drones zipped by without checking the room, I hid my face in my knees. The silence spanned for several seconds and settled around me like a smothering blanket.

Everyone was gone.

The silence was deafening.

I was alone. My friends were dead. Wolf had left. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to make it out anymore.

I'd been operating under the pretense that if I escaped, if I lived, I could save my friends. All the things I could have done, should have done . . . Now what did I have? Just me.

Just me.

Just. Me.

I couldn't breathe so I started to hyperventilate. Drained physically and mentally, I collapsed onto my side and curled into a tight ball, my hands over my head.

Finally, I was unable to contain myself and sobbed violently into my arms.

/Nothing will ever be okay./