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DaoistojZfIq
DaoistojZfIqLv141yr
2024-02-22 07:10

honestly, author, you have a good idea, but this story is a mess. You should rewrite it using this one a rough draft with readers pointing out problems to fix on the rewrite version

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Beginnerghost04
Beginnerghost04Author

I am just using this book as a practice. I will stop writing this book after my English is practiced to a certain level.

DaoistojZfIq
DaoistojZfIqLv14

this is why I wrote to keep writing this and have a rewrite version . It's to compare the two and help you improve faster since you can see your mistakes easier than come back a few years later, and see them, but have the mentality that it just your old work when you could still be at the same level just a little better, think of it like your a teacher and your self grading it with all the mark you see yourself and what your readers point out what's wrong not the complaining one but the ones that point out grammar, sentence structure, pro nouns, and honest mistakes this could help you in real time so you can get more school like help for free, and all you have to do is write and have patience because I know readers will try it to high heaven and more, it's in there nature to go overboard, but again good idea this is just constructive criticism from me you can use it or not totally your choice

Beginnerghost04:I am just using this book as a practice. I will stop writing this book after my English is practiced to a certain level.
Beginnerghost04
Beginnerghost04Author

Don't worry, if you say so much then I will soon rewrite it.

DaoistojZfIq:this is why I wrote to keep writing this and have a rewrite version . It's to compare the two and help you improve faster since you can see your mistakes easier than come back a few years later, and see them, but have the mentality that it just your old work when you could still be at the same level just a little better, think of it like your a teacher and your self grading it with all the mark you see yourself and what your readers point out what's wrong not the complaining one but the ones that point out grammar, sentence structure, pro nouns, and honest mistakes this could help you in real time so you can get more school like help for free, and all you have to do is write and have patience because I know readers will try it to high heaven and more, it's in there nature to go overboard, but again good idea this is just constructive criticism from me you can use it or not totally your choice
Other Reviews
KnightInArmor
KnightInArmorLv4

1) Use Grammarly or something to fix errors and space out the dialogues. 2) The "Romance" with Susan is just cringe and irritating, he basically harassed her and stole from her, and she is still friendly with him, if it was any woman in US be it fiction or not, they would have called 911 a long time ago, and on the second day of meeting him they are basically already in 'close friends' relationship and on the third day the become a couple. 3) The premise is amazing, but the bad qualities outweigh the good ones so until you fix those, I doubt I will be reading more than 3 chapters. If the story gets better, please someone comment here to let me know so that I can start reading this again. EDIT (I have read till chapter 6 since THE AUTHOR said I should write the review after reading more than 3 chapters) 4) The Timeline is just messed up Susan Storm is the same age as MC which is 15 or so, the Chitari Invasion happened in which MC's mother died and then we are in Spider-Man Homecoming like what happened in the middle? 5) the MC is now just acting like child he meets Tony and Peter on the roof during Spider-Man Homecoming where Tony is about to take back the red and blue spider suit, he goes there on the rooftop, rants about being his son, about how Tony was the one who tricked his mother into having an intercourse, and when Tony is ready to take him in, he says to leave him alone, like what? why would the MC even want to be acknowledged as Tony's son if he doesn't even want a father nor his money? This is just stupid, instead of that how about he makes his own anti Iron man gear and targets Tony, somehow Tony figures out that the MC is his son and apologizes to him and then he takes him in sort or like a villain-turned-hero. MC just wants to hurt Tony for what his mother had to go through then when he discovers that it was the ploy of Obadiah Stain he forgives Tony.

Bilal_Arshad
Bilal_ArshadLv4
Talksalot
TalksalotLv4
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