The potential of your story is good, but there are a few areas where you can improve. Firstly, you should work on improving your writing style. Additionally, it's important to pay attention to grammar and make necessary corrections. One suggestion is to have others read your work and provide feedback so that you can better understand what you're writing. Overall, focusing on these areas will help enhance your writing.
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LIKEyeah having proof readers is really important for a translation novel, but it's best to have readers who have said language as their first it makes no sense to me that some translation novels claim to proof readers but still have horrifying grammar/word choice (not that, that's the case for this one)