So, this story has quite a few issues: comma usage is minimal, which leads the writing to feel quite stilted (note: a common issue for novels on here); characters' appearances and clothing aren't described, which was really prevalent to me since I've never really watched the show or read the books (note 2: this is one of the biggest issues so far); the world and the MC surroundings are only given barebones descriptions, which makes most of the scenes pretty bland to read about, most aspects of the MC's journey are skimmed, which, while making for good pacing, makes his thousands of years of life seem kinda inconsequential and impactful to his base personality and thought processes (Note 3: I'd have liked the author to go into more depth when it comes to some of the stuff the MC has seen over the years; I want to know what large settlements in China looked like and the peoples culture from the MC's perspective, what the top of mount Everest looked like). So, in summary, while I'd only tentatively recommend this book, I really hope to see the author steadily improve his writing skills as this fiction continues. P.S., please use the Grammarly + Quilbot method I mentioned in the comments.
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thank you for the review and the things I could work on, it means more to me then people might think, but I truly want to get better as a writer and need to know what I could work on, which your review dose perfectly, so thank you very much.
Oh, and while your up, here's some small tips for the front page of this book: the title should be capitalized or changed to "The Immortal (Twilight)" or "The Immortal (Twilight Fanfiction)". Also, here's a slightly edited version of the synopsis: "[This is a slow-burn fanfiction; the MC is just trying to experience life and enjoy it, not to take over the world and rule from the shadows.] An everyday man gets thrown into the world of twilight thousands of years before the start of the plot. with immortality and incredible abilities. How will this man's presence change the outcome of the original story?"
Beans_on_a_tree:thank you for the review and the things I could work on, it means more to me then people might think, but I truly want to get better as a writer and need to know what I could work on, which your review dose perfectly, so thank you very much.
Do you edit stories?
theanimemail:Oh, and while your up, here's some small tips for the front page of this book: the title should be capitalized or changed to "The Immortal (Twilight)" or "The Immortal (Twilight Fanfiction)". Also, here's a slightly edited version of the synopsis: "[This is a slow-burn fanfiction; the MC is just trying to experience life and enjoy it, not to take over the world and rule from the shadows.] An everyday man gets thrown into the world of twilight thousands of years before the start of the plot. with immortality and incredible abilities. How will this man's presence change the outcome of the original story?"
though, I do think the sentences inside the brackets [] read weird in both the original version as well as my edited one. Either way, I'll keep on reading tomorrow since I'm getting tired. Have a nice night author :).
theanimemail:Oh, and while your up, here's some small tips for the front page of this book: the title should be capitalized or changed to "The Immortal (Twilight)" or "The Immortal (Twilight Fanfiction)". Also, here's a slightly edited version of the synopsis: "[This is a slow-burn fanfiction; the MC is just trying to experience life and enjoy it, not to take over the world and rule from the shadows.] An everyday man gets thrown into the world of twilight thousands of years before the start of the plot. with immortality and incredible abilities. How will this man's presence change the outcome of the original story?"
Sometimes, though, I've only really started publicly voicing my critiques within the last 2 or so months. I mainly just really like to see new authors work to improve their writing while also providing me with great stuff to read (Side note: really do like your story idea). Oh, and the fact I'm on winter break has helped allow me some extra time to deconstruct my thoughts with regards to what I'm reading.
Beans_on_a_tree:Do you edit stories?
Well, if you ever read my story and notice something I could improve or change to make the story better, please leave a comment and let me know; it really helps.
theanimemail:Sometimes, though, I've only really started publicly voicing my critiques within the last 2 or so months. I mainly just really like to see new authors work to improve their writing while also providing me with great stuff to read (Side note: really do like your story idea). Oh, and the fact I'm on winter break has helped allow me some extra time to deconstruct my thoughts with regards to what I'm reading.
Hey, nice use of the semicolon! I see quilbot's helping with your messages as well (I do the same, which is why most my stuff read like I'm actually consistently good at spelling lol). Also, I'd be happy to. Side note: I wouldn't recommend using the "fix all" button since Quilbot tends to choose words that can make the text pretty dry and... boring? Not sure how else to put it. But ya, I'll drop some comments on your chaps if I see anything that I think the story would largely benefit from changing.
Beans_on_a_tree:Well, if you ever read my story and notice something I could improve or change to make the story better, please leave a comment and let me know; it really helps.
One final thing: if you're ever not sure about a part of a chapter, have a text-to-speech extension by reading it back to you (I'm currently listening to this story through Microsoft Edges built in Read-aloud feature). Though it must be noted that the voice you choose can really make or break the reading experience, especially when it comes to reading and editing books, I tend to use "Microsoft Steffan Online (natural)" as my go-to listening voice. I'd only go this route if you're really, really serious about doing a deep dive into editing your stuff; I'm not sure I'd recommend this for a bit since it can be pretty tedious to edit everything to sound natural when you're first starting out.
Beans_on_a_tree:Well, if you ever read my story and notice something I could improve or change to make the story better, please leave a comment and let me know; it really helps.
