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CruddyDrummer
CruddyDrummerLv41yr
2023-04-27 08:39

Author does what I call a pro gamer move for creating mystery. i.e remove 90% of the material of the story in order to create cryptic mystery. jokes aside, that's not mystery. Forcefully withholding things from the reader is not mystery, it may sound similar to being curious of the unknown of what's happening or to come but it's not mystery. The writing is a mess, and the mc spends most of his time being unconscious. The premise sounds exciting tbh, the start also was very good. But author needs to work on the plot and how it develops. Many of the chapters feel like they are missing 2-3 chapters in between. e.g - taskforce x gets attacked by Harley n friends, the chapters ends, no conclusion to the fight. the next time they appear they are all together fighting against mc in the league of assassin compound, then comes to justice league too. so there's like a chaos of fighting between the taskforce, also vs mc, also vs batman, also Batman vs mc, also justice league vs mc. yeah sounds so chaotic right. i wouldn't recommend this fic unless u have too much time.

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CruddyDrummer
CruddyDrummerLv4

chaos is not a substitute for mystery and suspense. And I feel like author is trying to do the whole scene change thing from cartoons and anime and other stuff. Yeah but literature doesn't work like that, there's a way to make transitions but not like this. I hope you will take this and improve. You have a good premise just need to execute it better, wayy better ?

Odil
OdilLv14

I agree, a good example of how to correctly use the scene change in literature and convey how confused and disoriented the mc is -which is what I assume the author is trying to convey- is to use a first person pov with heavy descriptions about his mental state: small example would be: "His ears ringing, and eyesight blurry, he couldn't make out more than vague silhouettes around him, their colours fuzzy and movements hazy. From time to time he would get episodes of a clear head with everything being normal, and he could feel his senses where sharper than ever, but just as he starts assessing his surroundings the fog of haziness would descend upon his mind again, screams and whispers sounding off around him, and pale specters going through him as if intangible. He couldn't understand what was going on around him most of the time, but whenever he was clear-headed, he could make out familiarly dressed people fighting each other, sometimes fighting him. He didn't understand how or why, but he believed he wasn't entirely in control of his actions." Then you can move forward with the story, having him be out of control for too long would quickly ruin the story, so pushing on with him gradually gaining control and remembering what was happening when he was dazed would make it interesting as we get to live his coming to terms with reality at the same time as him, and he could along the way gain total control of his powers. But that's just my opinion.

CruddyDrummer:chaos is not a substitute for mystery and suspense. And I feel like author is trying to do the whole scene change thing from cartoons and anime and other stuff. Yeah but literature doesn't work like that, there's a way to make transitions but not like this. I hope you will take this and improve. You have a good premise just need to execute it better, wayy better ?
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