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VashuRajput269
VashuRajput269Lv142yr
2022-07-11 17:55

Story starts with a man who can see a beggar that nobody can and gives him some money which led him to get transmigrated ( Author tried to do something new for the reason behind transmigration but it could be done a bit better) So the character he gets transmigrated is Enel, as people in today's time is mostly peaceful mc corrects his predecessor mistakes and thinks of letting previous old man become God of Skypiea. Now we have impression that mc is kindhearted with his actions and monologues so far but it changes in next chapter, it was mentioned that four priest were loyal to him and only do things ordered by him but he kills them which is inconsistent with his character, I will not tell how could this has been considered done better as all you can think this by yourself. Oh and author also mentioned in his comments these priest weren't that powerful so they were not of much use, which kill mood for me to continue read. Anyway try yourself first and see it for yourself, thank you.

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Replies6
VeganMaster
VeganMasterAuthor

I appreciate the honesty tbh. The intro is a bit strange, but I don't get why some people think it makes the MC seem like a kind man. He is a paranoid man with plenty of issues (he didn't even care about ppl getting tortured by that god either), he only decided to walk up to that beggar after seeing him for around 6 years everywhere he looked, to the point where he thought he was becoming insane. It's also hinted at that the god doesn't really understand what kindness is, but that is to be explained at some point later in the story. The priests were also not loyal to him, they were loyal to the tyrant whose body he had taken over. It doesn't matter that they were acting on the old Enel's orders, they were still deplorable people that killed and enslaved thousands and not the type of company anyone would want to keep around. And the part about them not being strong was likely in response to someone saying they could've been useful as subordinates cuz they had Mantra.

VashuRajput269
VashuRajput269Lv14

You are right but things could have been written in a better way and you telling they(priest) have done many bad things and because of that they have been killed. If he was neutral he would ignore them, if he was smart he would have manipulated them. Him handing over god job plus commenting how bad his predecessor action were, gives mc that impression of being kind. I know you can say he just doesn't want to do the job of being God and all but you understand the point, right? But also the way you have written feels inconsistent with the character, the things you are telling now were not portrayed clearly when they were written at that part of chapter, so no more explanation here will fix that but editing the chapters will. Just like how you explained here you can write glimpses of mc character so the flow feels better. And good luck 👍

VeganMaster:I appreciate the honesty tbh. The intro is a bit strange, but I don't get why some people think it makes the MC seem like a kind man. He is a paranoid man with plenty of issues (he didn't even care about ppl getting tortured by that god either), he only decided to walk up to that beggar after seeing him for around 6 years everywhere he looked, to the point where he thought he was becoming insane. It's also hinted at that the god doesn't really understand what kindness is, but that is to be explained at some point later in the story. The priests were also not loyal to him, they were loyal to the tyrant whose body he had taken over. It doesn't matter that they were acting on the old Enel's orders, they were still deplorable people that killed and enslaved thousands and not the type of company anyone would want to keep around. And the part about them not being strong was likely in response to someone saying they could've been useful as subordinates cuz they had Mantra.
M7TH1C
M7TH1CLv14

Hey author Is ant king in mha finished? I read it once while it was still updating and waited for it to finish, then i forgot what happened when it did update so I just wanted to wait till it was finished to reread it. (

VeganMaster:I appreciate the honesty tbh. The intro is a bit strange, but I don't get why some people think it makes the MC seem like a kind man. He is a paranoid man with plenty of issues (he didn't even care about ppl getting tortured by that god either), he only decided to walk up to that beggar after seeing him for around 6 years everywhere he looked, to the point where he thought he was becoming insane. It's also hinted at that the god doesn't really understand what kindness is, but that is to be explained at some point later in the story. The priests were also not loyal to him, they were loyal to the tyrant whose body he had taken over. It doesn't matter that they were acting on the old Enel's orders, they were still deplorable people that killed and enslaved thousands and not the type of company anyone would want to keep around. And the part about them not being strong was likely in response to someone saying they could've been useful as subordinates cuz they had Mantra.
VeganMaster
VeganMasterAuthor

it's finished, you just reminded me that I have an epilogue to write for that :))))

M7TH1C:Hey author Is ant king in mha finished? I read it once while it was still updating and waited for it to finish, then i forgot what happened when it did update so I just wanted to wait till it was finished to reread it. (
Deadauthor
DeadauthorLv4

You talk the talk but what have you written? It is easy for one to tell another to do better then it is to actually do better. Like the dude simply got transmigrated to the one piece world what more can you want? The god is not just uselessly thrown away either but apart of the story same with the Mc past. Sure his actions were odd mybe out of character but atleast give his creativity some credit for a spin at an otherwise redundent cliche instead of writing it off like anyone can do better.

VashuRajput269:You are right but things could have been written in a better way and you telling they(priest) have done many bad things and because of that they have been killed. If he was neutral he would ignore them, if he was smart he would have manipulated them. Him handing over god job plus commenting how bad his predecessor action were, gives mc that impression of being kind. I know you can say he just doesn't want to do the job of being God and all but you understand the point, right? But also the way you have written feels inconsistent with the character, the things you are telling now were not portrayed clearly when they were written at that part of chapter, so no more explanation here will fix that but editing the chapters will. Just like how you explained here you can write glimpses of mc character so the flow feels better. And good luck 👍
fiction_writer
fiction_writerLv2

Yeahh but giving a author feedback about his mistakes and suggestions are not a bad thing right if he wants to pursue this as a career or simply improve his writing he needs to know his mistakes and correct it doesn't he

Deadauthor:You talk the talk but what have you written? It is easy for one to tell another to do better then it is to actually do better. Like the dude simply got transmigrated to the one piece world what more can you want? The god is not just uselessly thrown away either but apart of the story same with the Mc past. Sure his actions were odd mybe out of character but atleast give his creativity some credit for a spin at an otherwise redundent cliche instead of writing it off like anyone can do better.
Other Reviews
MLakuru
MLakuruLv4

It's amazing how fanfiction authors can still screw up a story even though they have a complete world and character list that they can copy and take inspiration from the original. You literally have a huge world that you can use for your story but you shrunk it down and half assed it because either you're lazy or you really don't care or try writing a serious story. Lets also not forget how bad of a character you made Enel turn out to be and how overpowered he is. You made any and all forms of conflict obsolete simply because Enel can probably just beat and kill everyone in the story. The characters have had hardly any interactions between each other and there is not depth to any character so far and if there is you did a poor job at it. Simply put, the characters are boring, hollow dolls that I don't care to remember about. The plot is pretty much nonexistent. I truly don't know what or if there are any kind of story being told here. Some nobody gets reborn as Enel. We don't get any sort of development for him so we can't like or care for the character. Not just him(but mostly him) we don't have any plot or story or any details for anything thats going on. You just created some characters and threw them into a poorly made one piece world. I dont know what the goal and motivations of the character are. Whether he has dreams, likes, dislikes, you know core things that make people feel alive? tldr- Nobody gets reborn as Enel in one piece then proceeds to train... and find even better ways to train... Thats it. No one expects fanfiction to be good and your story can be added to the pile of mediocre fics that prove even more that fanfiction authors dont know what they are doing and clearly need to respect the world more. At least your story doesnt have the typical harem, where every girl falls for mc... or it? Wouldnt suprise me if you start thinking with your lower half and turn this into another pokemon collector.

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