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Changen4125
Changen4125Lv113yr
2021-11-09 20:19

50 chapters in and there is nothing but info dumps. It reads more like a wiki than a story. If it's suppose to be a slice of life then make about a slice of life, but instead we are a fed a drivel of facts and history instead of a story. It's like having Hermione in your ears telling you about her day.

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Changen4125
Changen4125Lv11

This is reading more and more like a Gary Stu in HP than anything else. advice to the author: read about Chekhov's gun. If you show something to the readers then you need to use it. Otherwise, it's bad writing. The only thing of interest is the diary he found and after 3 chapters of it, nothing of interests has happened. Same with the classes, he's good at everything and yet it has done nothing. You don't need 10+ chapters of 8 different classes of telling us that he's good at studying or magic...we already know. All it does is drag out everything and slows down the pace of the story (if there is any) for no reason.

SrCuervo
SrCuervoLv4

Hi, I'm SrCuervo and I'm writing an HP novel where your help would be very useful, I hope you can read it so you can tell me what you think. It's called Harry Potter: Narnia and The World Hidden in a Closet.

Other Reviews
TheKindlyGentleman
TheKindlyGentlemanLv6

Even Ignoring the fact that you can't train occlumecy without the assistance of a legilimens, that you can't successfully train controlled Magic until the age of 11, that occlumecy and legilimency take years to train to novice mastery, let alone the full mastery required to augment ones memories, that training one martial art to full mastery requires at least half a decade of dedicated work, let alone 4-8 martial arts with only semi-dedication, that you can't learn magical spells based upon what you've learned from movies and books from another life taught with the use of a wand in mind, wandlessly. Ignoring all of that, creating a character that is so Overpowered before Canon even starts, such that at his current rate of progression he will never be in danger at any point in the story, makes for a horribly boring and bland tale indeed. This is complete wish fulfillment, it is not at all realistic even for fantasy fiction. what's more the grammar while decent enough to read is still below average and often repetitive. all in all I recommend the author is clear and concise with whatever point they may be trying to get across, that they describe the environment around the character more often and in more detail, that they stop giving written diatribes of what the character plans to do and more of what they are currently doing, that they make the character face danger and adversity more often and that the character is given more of a personality, with faults and quirks and that the character is not so strong so fast, AT MOST they should be at the level of a third year at the end of the first year.

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