This novel is harder to review for me. When the dialogue between the mc and most of the other characters is happening, the story is enjoyable and immersive. The focus on including lots of character development through dialogue is a strong point of this story. I also think that the portrayal of characters from the world is done well, as they do not feel totally different from the original novel. The world building could use some improvements. It is there but some more introductions to the power scaling and important characters in the world would help. A lot of the time things are introduced but only in name and without context. The pacing is also consistent but could be faster(cutting out olivia alone would have things moving faster). But other times, some sections are inconsistent, feeling forced, lengthy and not flowing with the rest of the story. This mainly happens with the mc’s interactions with the oc character Olivia. I held off on commenting about this in the early chapters and even deleted a comment as the author stated they were trying to inprove things. And while they do improve, it is not enough and still lacks believablility. Olivia is like Sansa Stark in game of thrones in that she doesnt add anything to the story. She constantly anatagonizes the mc, needs help from the mc, and almost every interaction the mc has with her doesn’t fit with how is his character is portrayed in the rest of the story. No one in the story frustrates, angers, or crosses the mcs boundries more than her, but he never acts according to those feelings aside from yelling at her. But he still helps her more than anyone else, even Kim hajun. I have seen friends in toxic relationships(romantic or otherwise) like this and it is frustrating to read when the mc is portrayed as someone who would never put up with this but continously does. After 40 or so chapters the reason for his patience was given as she reminded him of himself, but it is far from enough to explain his inconsistent character. In my personal opinion, Olivia, like Sansa Stark, could have been removed from the story and nothing would be different. In fact it would probably improve the pacing of the story. I wont touch on the excessive cursing, but it is indeed excessive. Overall, I have hope for this story. It is unique and ambitious. The good quality grammer and spelling compared to other fanfics shows the authors care for this work. I really dont like olivia and the mcs interactions with her. I also worry that the author is being to ambitious with the over complicated backstory. But i do like how the backstory actually has meaning and isnt just there to elicit sympathy. In summation, there is some good, some frustrating and a lot of potential. Above average for now but could be much higher and i hope it keeps improving.
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Well, first of all, really thanks for the review and the feedback, man! It helps a lot when I read detailed feedbacks like this. Also, I would like to ask something, and that's if the cursing has gotten better, as I've tried to tone it down (Not completely as that's part of the MC's bad quirks), but well, I don't know how well I'm going with it. With Olivia, I don't have much to say xD I'm working on it and trying to work her story in a way that can justify everything from the first chapters, though as I talked with another reader, there is the time when you just hate a character and once that opinion sinks, it's hard to take it out. Though, what I do can say, is that I'll introduce things that I've talked about in later chapters, as I do want to end every loose knot that was left open in the canon, and that I'm opening myself in this fanfic. All in all, I'm glad you see some potential in my fanfic and hope to see you commenting in later chapters and giving your feedback! (I did saw your erased comment, but Webnovel didn't let me answer it xD) Thanks for reading and giving this a try!
The cursing has indeed improved. i chose not to comment aside from the frequency as it indeed is apart if the mcs character. Kinda like Backugo from mha or samuel l jackson. But I do think it could be toned down a bit more. Regardless of if it fits the character or not. The repetition of words can be irritating and due to the mc having the most screen time, the same curse words appear a lot. When i was learning to write one of my teachers once told me that using words like fu ck isnt wrong even in an argumentative essay but using them too often as a replacement for descriptive language is something to avoid. Swearing is meant to add colour or emphasize something and if it is used to often to emphasize and add to everything they loose their power. While more descriptive insults hit harder than a single word most of the time. But mainly, avoiding repetative words is also to be avoided(case and point this sentence just doesnt sound as good). He claimed that you should avoid describing something the same way twice, including the words used. Take from that what you will. The cursing doesnt bother me to much. Maybe increase the variety of insults, include individual nicknames for important characters instead of generic things like bas tar d(pinky was a good choice especially as Korean names are harder to remember than japanese or chinese. But that might just be me). Or character growth( he already curses less around fran and the kids so maybe you already had this thought). As for Olivia, this is all personal preference. But I dislike the mc’s responses to her more than the character herself as it does not match well with the rest of the story(the outlying data point i brought up). So instead of making her future character and her interactions with the mc match with the past chapters. It would be better in my opinion to change their dynamic and have everything consistent in the future(there is a lot of story left so i would place the value on that instead). I think you were going in the right direction when Olivia expressed her reasons for being overly persistent, but there wasnt a substantial change. Like i said above, the mc’s response to Olivia is more jarring than her herself. I.e. The mc getting very angry with her but not acting on it while helping her seems contradictory so maybe have the mc not get so upset by her pestering and just shrug it off. Or have him begin to enjoy getting a rise out of her and stringing her along. If there is not much anger or frustration the reader wont expect as much of a response. A mature and immature dynamic instead of two immature people. That or maybe have Olivias revenge backstory come to fruition and completey change her character. But i would prefer just having the mc react to her differently. It is much harder to write about ‘two opposites attracting’ which is why i suggested the change even if it does not match the prior story. Then you dont have to work as hard with their relationship for the rest of the story and you can focus that effort elsewhere. So much critique, i hope some of it is food for thought. But i will reiterate that the amount of dialogue, portrayal of characters from the original work, unique ideas, and attention to grammer are all above average. The world building could use a couple extra sentences here and there to give more context to characters when they are introduced and it would bring up my rating to 4 stars(2.5 is average and i think 3.6 or 3.8 is my original). Thx for the story.
Thanks, man! I'll surely take the advice into consideration and try to improve the general quality of the story. And I'm glad I'm slowly improving a few things in the story, hope to keep that trend up and even accelerate it. Thanks for the feedback!
