Meh. Writer who asks for money every chapter, but can't be bothered to even look over and edit his own work for mistakes. Why anyone would support such a lazy person, I really don't know. Mediocre story, full of forced plot and unrealistic behavior. If you tried harder, you could probably do decently enough, but this is not it.
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fair enough. Although I would like you to elaborate the forced plot and unrealistic behaviors you mentioned.
The forced plot is a result of your character(s) not taking things seriously, or being forced into unrealistic disadvantageous situations by you. The story is focused around two things: School (cooking) and the mafia side (even if it's just a side-thing, it does matter). The only reason he doesn't simply crush everyone and everything at cooking is because he's not trying. This is a terrible place to be stuck at as a writer, because you can't get any ******* out of the main conflict of your story, and it makes it very boring to read. It's a general issue that the "OP character who slowly reveals his powers" genre has, and one way to deal with it is to introduce conflicts where he is not at an advantage—like non-cooking things in this story. This could have been it with the mafia, but he is at the top in that too. Something where the reader doesn't already know what is going to happen. The mafia part of the story it is forced because his subordinates should simply not be that incompetent. The only reason they are having any sort of issues is because they're acting like dummy cartoon characters half the time. An empire isn't built on idiocy and incompetency, and it's silly to imagine that he would only bring the morons to Japan with him. I mostly enjoyed the cutesy romance part of your story, but this was another area where you could have introduced more conflict. Alice was basically already bagged before the story even started. Rindou could have introduced a lot of conflict and made things interesting.. and it did add a tiny bit of *******, for like 3 chapters, but then Alice and Rindou both accepted it without much fanfare. I'm sure you still have something planned with Erina, but I'm not holding my breath for anything interesting. Tension is important. Conflict is important. It's what keeps a story interesting. If a reader can predict every result at the start of every scene/problem, then they will get bored very quickly and it will make for an overall dull story. P.S. Saying that his food shred their clothes yet not dealing at all with it in-universe is such bad writing. It shred their clothes in the anime and manga so they could add some fanservice to a cooking story, but it was a kind of imaginary clothes shredding that left them "bare of all worldly things" in their mind. They didn't actually get left naked, just as they didn't end up in your story. So you saying their clothes got shredded and then leaving it at that is unbelievably silly, as it leaves the reader the mental image that whoever ate is now sitting there buck naked. And his send-people-back-to-their-past food is coming very close to actual magic. I understand your idea behind it, but every time it happens, it just feels so out of place. If it was a special food for each person (something they ate in the past) that caused this, I could get more behind it, but any sort of food he makes for every person? That makes no sense. Good luck.
For some god awful reason this site censors the word t-e-n-s-i-o-n.
Wallabalooza:The forced plot is a result of your character(s) not taking things seriously, or being forced into unrealistic disadvantageous situations by you. The story is focused around two things: School (cooking) and the mafia side (even if it's just a side-thing, it does matter). The only reason he doesn't simply crush everyone and everything at cooking is because he's not trying. This is a terrible place to be stuck at as a writer, because you can't get any ******* out of the main conflict of your story, and it makes it very boring to read. It's a general issue that the "OP character who slowly reveals his powers" genre has, and one way to deal with it is to introduce conflicts where he is not at an advantage—like non-cooking things in this story. This could have been it with the mafia, but he is at the top in that too. Something where the reader doesn't already know what is going to happen. The mafia part of the story it is forced because his subordinates should simply not be that incompetent. The only reason they are having any sort of issues is because they're acting like dummy cartoon characters half the time. An empire isn't built on idiocy and incompetency, and it's silly to imagine that he would only bring the morons to Japan with him. I mostly enjoyed the cutesy romance part of your story, but this was another area where you could have introduced more conflict. Alice was basically already bagged before the story even started. Rindou could have introduced a lot of conflict and made things interesting.. and it did add a tiny bit of *******, for like 3 chapters, but then Alice and Rindou both accepted it without much fanfare. I'm sure you still have something planned with Erina, but I'm not holding my breath for anything interesting. Tension is important. Conflict is important. It's what keeps a story interesting. If a reader can predict every result at the start of every scene/problem, then they will get bored very quickly and it will make for an overall dull story. P.S. Saying that his food shred their clothes yet not dealing at all with it in-universe is such bad writing. It shred their clothes in the anime and manga so they could add some fanservice to a cooking story, but it was a kind of imaginary clothes shredding that left them "bare of all worldly things" in their mind. They didn't actually get left naked, just as they didn't end up in your story. So you saying their clothes got shredded and then leaving it at that is unbelievably silly, as it leaves the reader the mental image that whoever ate is now sitting there buck naked. And his send-people-back-to-their-past food is coming very close to actual magic. I understand your idea behind it, but every time it happens, it just feels so out of place. If it was a special food for each person (something they ate in the past) that caused this, I could get more behind it, but any sort of food he makes for every person? That makes no sense. Good luck.
You know the send-people-back-to-their-past are happening at Yakitate Japan and somewhat in the Soma vs Jouichiro at the dorm the judges age are regression although it's just illusion
Wallabalooza:For some god awful reason this site censors the word t-e-n-s-i-o-n.
Wallabalooza:The forced plot is a result of your character(s) not taking things seriously, or being forced into unrealistic disadvantageous situations by you. The story is focused around two things: School (cooking) and the mafia side (even if it's just a side-thing, it does matter). The only reason he doesn't simply crush everyone and everything at cooking is because he's not trying. This is a terrible place to be stuck at as a writer, because you can't get any ******* out of the main conflict of your story, and it makes it very boring to read. It's a general issue that the "OP character who slowly reveals his powers" genre has, and one way to deal with it is to introduce conflicts where he is not at an advantage—like non-cooking things in this story. This could have been it with the mafia, but he is at the top in that too. Something where the reader doesn't already know what is going to happen. The mafia part of the story it is forced because his subordinates should simply not be that incompetent. The only reason they are having any sort of issues is because they're acting like dummy cartoon characters half the time. An empire isn't built on idiocy and incompetency, and it's silly to imagine that he would only bring the morons to Japan with him. I mostly enjoyed the cutesy romance part of your story, but this was another area where you could have introduced more conflict. Alice was basically already bagged before the story even started. Rindou could have introduced a lot of conflict and made things interesting.. and it did add a tiny bit of *******, for like 3 chapters, but then Alice and Rindou both accepted it without much fanfare. I'm sure you still have something planned with Erina, but I'm not holding my breath for anything interesting. Tension is important. Conflict is important. It's what keeps a story interesting. If a reader can predict every result at the start of every scene/problem, then they will get bored very quickly and it will make for an overall dull story. P.S. Saying that his food shred their clothes yet not dealing at all with it in-universe is such bad writing. It shred their clothes in the anime and manga so they could add some fanservice to a cooking story, but it was a kind of imaginary clothes shredding that left them "bare of all worldly things" in their mind. They didn't actually get left naked, just as they didn't end up in your story. So you saying their clothes got shredded and then leaving it at that is unbelievably silly, as it leaves the reader the mental image that whoever ate is now sitting there buck naked. And his send-people-back-to-their-past food is coming very close to actual magic. I understand your idea behind it, but every time it happens, it just feels so out of place. If it was a special food for each person (something they ate in the past) that caused this, I could get more behind it, but any sort of food he makes for every person? That makes no sense. Good luck.
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The_Oldest_King:image
tension
Tension
Wallabalooza:For some god awful reason this site censors the word t-e-n-s-i-o-n.
t-e-n-s-i-o-n
Ultimate_Ciel:Tension
Tension ?
Who caress
Your momm
ThoTslayer_10l:Who caress
E tia
CokeWhale:Your momm
wow this is my actual first time seeing a genuine review that addressed the underlying issue with the story from a perspective of a reader and not just outright bad words and just random 5 star spam. I salute o7
Wallabalooza:The forced plot is a result of your character(s) not taking things seriously, or being forced into unrealistic disadvantageous situations by you. The story is focused around two things: School (cooking) and the mafia side (even if it's just a side-thing, it does matter). The only reason he doesn't simply crush everyone and everything at cooking is because he's not trying. This is a terrible place to be stuck at as a writer, because you can't get any ******* out of the main conflict of your story, and it makes it very boring to read. It's a general issue that the "OP character who slowly reveals his powers" genre has, and one way to deal with it is to introduce conflicts where he is not at an advantage—like non-cooking things in this story. This could have been it with the mafia, but he is at the top in that too. Something where the reader doesn't already know what is going to happen. The mafia part of the story it is forced because his subordinates should simply not be that incompetent. The only reason they are having any sort of issues is because they're acting like dummy cartoon characters half the time. An empire isn't built on idiocy and incompetency, and it's silly to imagine that he would only bring the morons to Japan with him. I mostly enjoyed the cutesy romance part of your story, but this was another area where you could have introduced more conflict. Alice was basically already bagged before the story even started. Rindou could have introduced a lot of conflict and made things interesting.. and it did add a tiny bit of *******, for like 3 chapters, but then Alice and Rindou both accepted it without much fanfare. I'm sure you still have something planned with Erina, but I'm not holding my breath for anything interesting. Tension is important. Conflict is important. It's what keeps a story interesting. If a reader can predict every result at the start of every scene/problem, then they will get bored very quickly and it will make for an overall dull story. P.S. Saying that his food shred their clothes yet not dealing at all with it in-universe is such bad writing. It shred their clothes in the anime and manga so they could add some fanservice to a cooking story, but it was a kind of imaginary clothes shredding that left them "bare of all worldly things" in their mind. They didn't actually get left naked, just as they didn't end up in your story. So you saying their clothes got shredded and then leaving it at that is unbelievably silly, as it leaves the reader the mental image that whoever ate is now sitting there buck naked. And his send-people-back-to-their-past food is coming very close to actual magic. I understand your idea behind it, but every time it happens, it just feels so out of place. If it was a special food for each person (something they ate in the past) that caused this, I could get more behind it, but any sort of food he makes for every person? That makes no sense. Good luck.
