Ah yeah, the common Finnish name "Ah Ji". Come on man.

Why are you acting like hiccups are common when drunk.. or even required for him to appear drunk. This scene felt very cartoonish.

Was really hoping you'd avoid the cliché the story had so obviously been building towards. Disappointing.

Extremely low quality writing and a writer who clearly deletes all negative reviews. Pathetic.

Did you happen to swallow a large amount of glue as a child?

lol people taking unproven rumors of canon Ashara, blowing them up a few sizes and calling them fact. Did you even actually read the books? There are rumors of Ashara MAYBE sleeping with one guy at Harrenhal and of getting pregnant (at some point, could be from the same event or the same guy, we simply don't know, if it even happened in the first place), losing the child. Saying she slept with more men than a Lyseni whore is some ******** delusional fanfiction. Having said that, spineless simp MCs are the worst and there's no way I'll read this now.

Even if this is a pretty bad story, you need to get the fúck out of here with those editors notes. Your thoughts are not important nor interesting. All they do is break the little immersion there is.

Lots of them don't, so not really.

Yeah. If you log out of your account and check, the review isn't there. It's just cleverly still showing as up for you so you won't bitch about it. Garbage system.

Looks like the author hid this review lol. Now they don't even have to face backslash from removing reviews.

You've gotten way better at writing reviews, so good job on that. Thanks for the warnings, will skip this one.

My condolences.

guyz i was only pretending to be rétarded lulz!11!!1 No one's asking for a masterpiece, just for the basics to be in order so it's readable. You're a móron.

Are you really coming in here 11 months after my review to proudly show off your terrible standards? I checked a few chapters because of your comment and everything is still the same. Enjoy what you like, but accept reality: this is garbage, both formatting and content.

Like half the stuff you correct to is just straight up wrong

Dialogue tags for thoughts is the worst

Dude, how do you write this long without learning how to separate dialogue from different characters into their own paragraphs? Your writing style is so erratic and confusing in general, but this is a very basic thing. It's such a simple change too, and it would make a pretty subtle yet serious difference for the people reading your stuff.

Everything about it is a bad idea. Not only does it post some people's real names online and associate it with your low quality erotic fiction—did you ask everyone if they were fine with it?—it is insanely annoying to read and scroll past for your readers. Just because someone else does something does not automatically make it a good idea. This is an example of some clueless authors copying other clueless authors and starting a bad trend. I also don't see it attracting more subs for your pátreon, as was probably your original intent anyway. Just don't do it.

Since you seem to actually want to improve, I'm going to rant at you a little bit now: Your first and main purpose should be to properly format your writing. This is not to conform to "the way things are done" or anything, but simply to make the experience of going through your story as easy and straight-forward for your readers. If your formatting is "different", then it means each and every reader will have to adjust the way they parse your text, and this tends to be very grating and generally just worsens the experience. If you actually want readers and want readers to enjoy your story as much as possible, you should absolutely format properly, fix spelling mistakes and work on grammar as much as possible. Whether you're more comfortable writing another way or not, it doesn't really matter; you're not the focus, your readers are. You can write it in whatever style you wish in your first draft if that makes it easier and then edit it afterwards to be more presentable. You say you are writing this to get better, but you have clearly not even made this basic step of learning how to format. Fixing these issues does not involve you writing or publishing anything. Instead, it is a process of you looking at other stories, guides or whatever else and seeing how they do things, assuming you didn't properly learn how to do so in school. Every aspiring writer should do this as their first step, always. No excuses. Spelling is a bit more difficult, but has been made much easier now with all of these various spell checking engines. Grammar is the hardest—especially for non-native speakers—and is the kind of thing you can improve on over time as you write and fix mistakes. I'd absolutely suggest going through older chapters once in a while, as you improve, and fixing old mistakes. This will both help you improve even more as you train your skills, but even more importantly it will give newer readers a better first impression of your story, and this is very, very important. Most readers decide whether they want to read your story in the first minute, and some even just after the first paragraph. Right now, your story basically looks like a very poorly done manuscript for a movie, rather than an attempt at a novel, and thus is lacks all of the charm that comes with the art of writing. I personally couldn't get past chapter 10 due to how the poor presentation continuously drags me out of the story. Fix this before anything else. Content, plot and whatever else is subjective and is very much up to the reader, but formatting is a foundation that stays consitent throughout basically all writing, and yours is no good. Do this for yourself. Fixing it now is much better than developing bad habits over a longer period of time. If you improve on this aspect I'd be happy to actually read your story and give a proper, in-depth review of the content. Good luck with your writing.

Those two are usually the same thing. A story generally feels unrealistic as a result of its characters' actions and the world's reaction to those actions.