Addiction

[Adrian's POV]

Everything was a mess.

Adrian took a drag of his cigarette, letting the poisonous smoke filled his thirsty lungs before puffing it out into the early morning air of Subic. The sun hasn't risen yet, and the front of Johan's apartment was still dark, saved from the light coming in from the nearby post.

Yesterday's events still played like a vivid dream in his memory. And the mixture of emotions that followed had him taking another drag of the toxic stick between his fingers. He didn't intend to get addicted with tobacco. The same way he didn't intend for things to escalate with the younger man sleeping behind the closed bedroom door.

Adrian sighed, his foot tapping repeatedly against the concrete floor. His body urged for a drive to escape, but he didn't have his motorbike with him.

"Shit." Taking a last drag, he savored the sweet nicotine until it lasted and flicked the butt of the cigarette to a potted plant.

Adrian turned around and went back inside the apartment, plopping down on the couch with a frustrated grunt. The futon laid untouched on the living room floor. Johan didn't let him inside the bedroom, and he didn't get a wink of sleep.

Johan Fernandez. That name made his thoughts swirled like a vortex he didn't even know where to begin.

He was his eye-candy; a colorful sweet in a store he can only stare at but couldn't have, and Adrian was okay with that, since he's got a rare candy of his own. Admiring him from afar was more than enough.

When he learned Johan had a crush on him, however, everything changed. An excitement he couldn't explain bubbled from his stomach. And he thought that would bring them a little closer.

But when Johan started putting distance between them, it distressed him. His stomach clenched with dread every time the man gave him the cold shoulder. He couldn't stand the distance.

If he's being honest, his only intention was to reconcile when he went down into the town of Subic. But as he took a stroll on the beach beside the aloof brunet, enjoying the tropical ambiance of the night, he couldn't help but think of how romantic it was.

"Han?" he remembered himself saying the nickname he'd given the other as he nuzzled his nose against the tropical-scented skin. The closeness warmed his chest, his longing slowly dissipating after he closed the gap that had grown between them.

He should have been contented with that. But in a sudden spur of the moment, he got needy. "I want to kiss you, Han. Can I?"

"... No." Johan had whispered to his lips. The rejection should have made him back off, but the sad hazel eyes told him otherwise. "Someone might see us."

"No one's around."

"You have a girlfriend, Adrian," Johan reasoned, but it sounded like he's trying to convince himself instead of him. "It's not fair--"

"Just a kiss, Han," he had tried one last time, his voice cracking with need. "I won't... I won't ask for more."

Adrian had prepared himself for another rejection, and he's ready to step back. But when Johan gazed up to him with the same longing look, shoulders sagging in surrender, he knew it was now or never.

"... Just a kiss. Nothing more," came the permission he needed.

"Yeah. Just a kiss."

Nothing seemed to matter when he leaned down to capture those lips. All thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind. Any repercussions be damned. With Johan nestled in his arms; submissive and complying, Adrian couldn't help but feel greedy.

Everything spiraled into something he could no longer control. Johan had shown a surprising side of him he never knew existed. He couldn't forget the feeling no matter what, and it made him ache with desire.

Five years.

It's been five years since he had this intimate contact with another person. Despite being in a relationship with the girl of his dreams, he's never done anything sexual with Rhia. The closest he could get was a little make-out session, but nothing more than that.

Rhia came from a conservative family. Add to that, her father's a pastor in a local church in their village. It took him years to court her, and when they finally became a couple, she told him she wanted to stay pure until marriage.

He was okay with that. He liked Rhia that way, and he knew she's worth the wait.

But it's been five years since their agreement. Five years of pleasing himself with his hands and getting off by watching pornography. When he opened the idea of marriage to her, she told him that they had to prepare first. They got a job and started earning money, for the wedding, for the house, for the kids that they'll have in the future.

It's a noble dream and finding a girl like Rhia was rare these days. But with the way things were, they'll never get married until they're in their thirties.

Adrian's only twenty-three. He's endured five years of abstaining from sex, and he's got seven years more. He wanted to wait, but the more he thought about it, he's getting closer to his limit.

When Johan had groped him through his pants, the five-year-long pent up frustration made him yield to the hand fumbling his zippers. All his restrains went out of the window, and lust blinded him.

"You know nothing about me inside the bedroom, Adrian. I suggest you stop assuming things about me," Johan had told him with a gripping pleasure only an experienced man can provide.

His head had spun at the revelation, and it made him hungry for more. He's unsure what Johan could offer him, but the unknown excited his entire being.

"Care to show me what you're capable of?" He had growled after grabbing Johan to sit on his lap. He was ready to burst when his hips buckled for more friction.

Johan didn't talk much during their foreplay, and he didn't know whether or not he's doing okay. What if he's gone rusty and failed to satisfy him?

Adrian had inserted his hand beneath the shirt, caressing the heated skin. "I want you to tell me what's okay and what's not. Understood?"

Johan had shivered from his touch. "Is... is t-that an order?"

The image of the flushed brunet cradled on top of him was imprinted on his mind, and the implication of him wanting to take orders during sex rocked him to the core. Everything he knew about their aloof quality analyst became a huge question mark.

As far as he knew, Johan was only twenty-one. He's two years younger than him, yet he seemed more experience that he appeared to be.

Who was Johan Fernandez? He wanted to know.

Unfortunately, his phone had vibrated on the coffee table before he got answers. Rhia's name served as an anchor to pull them out of the violent, sensual storm they had fallen into.

Johan had leaped out of his lap, leaving him with a frustrated arousal equivalent to his five years of waiting, if not more.

He couldn't bring himself to answer Rhia's call. At that time, if he spoke with his lust-filled voice, she'd suspect what he's been up to, and it would have been an even bigger disaster. He couldn't let that happen. He didn't even know how he would face her later.

Adrian groaned. He could feel a headache forming from the lack of sleep, guilt, sexual frustration, and overthinking.

He went here to mend things with Johan, but his greed created a bigger mess and he didn't know how to fix it. His mouth itched to have another smoke, but he already consumed all the cigarettes he had in his pocket.

It's hard to stop an addiction once he started it.

Johan's door creaked open, and the object of his thoughts emerged, dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and pajama bottoms.

The light in the living room was turned off, with only the small lampshade from inside the bedroom serving as their source of light. Despite the low-lit darkness, Adrian knew when their eyes had met.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Johan asked, covering his mouth as he yawned. He leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, shivering as he crossed his arms across his chest.

Adrian resisted the instinctive drive to reach for the younger man. He sighed. "I can't sleep."

"Why are you still here then?"

Adrian flinched at the question, and so did Johan. He had just been told to leave, and his heart sank to his stomach. But he has fixed nothing yet. What did he come here for if he'll leave with no result?

He might lose Rhia if she found out.

But he can't just leave Johan with their relationship like this. If they had to go back to being friends, then so be it. That's fine with him.

"Han," he called, helpless. He beckoned for the brunet to sit beside him, but Johan stayed at his bedroom door, unmoving. The distance between them widened, and that scared him. "What will happen to us?"

"It was a mistake."

Adrian stood, and with careful steps, approached and bent down, placing his forehead on top of Johan's shoulder for support. "I'm sorry. I'm only here to apologize, but I got greedy. Now, I don't know what to do."

"You should go back to Rhia. That's the right thing to do."

"I know."

"Then..."

Adrian raised his head, hand grabbing Johan's waist, and pulled him for a hug. "But I can't just end things between us. Whatever this is. I want you by my side."