Chapter 43

The house was empty by the time we got home.

My head felt heavy and I didn't have any power to stay on my feet, so I instantly headed toward my room and fell into the bed.

Last night felt like a fever dream. And I didn't know if it was because it has been one of the worst nights of my life or because so much had happened.

Whenever I thought about Seeley, my chest tightened but when his words echoed through my head after admitting that he has been in love with me for years made me smile. Really smile.

I heard my phone buzzing so I groaned and turned to the bedside table while my body weighed tons.

When I saw Perkyn's name appearing on my phone's screen, my stomach turned.

I didn't want to answer it because I felt guilty for thinking that I might have played him too.

I shook my head, still staring at his name.

I liked him, I was aware of my feelings but something else pulled me toward Seeley. Was it love? Or was it the regret and the guilt that I have felt toward him?

I pressed the green button and tried to shake off my nerves.

"Hi, Perkyn," my voice was hoarse and quiet.

"Hi, I just wanted to check on you." His voice was kind and a little hesitant.

"We got home safe and sound." I said and sat up, massaging my ankles.

"I'm glad to hear that." He answered. "I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to let you get into his car while Seeley was…"

He couldn't describe the hurricane and storm that Seeley had turned into last night and I couldn't blame him. Even I had to think carefully to choose my words around Seeley.

"He told me everything about his childhood and the things that Oswald has done, so I understand him for reacting that way." I said softly. I almost asked if his father was all right.

He sighed and I heard him moving around.

"It's still crazy to think that we are siblings." He let out a huge breath and I nodded before realizing he couldn't see me.

"It was one hell of a night."

He hummed in response. It felt like I was talking with a whole new person knowing that he was also a Drewitt.

It was still unbelievable to think about it.

"Can I ask you something?" His voice was gentle and humble.

"Of course."

He waited for a few seconds to make sure I didn't change my mind before speaking up.

"Did you recognize my father and that's why you called Seeley?" He asked silently.

Swallowing the lump in my throat I stood up and walked over to the window, staring out at the empty garden. The lights were still there since Seeley had put them there to surprise me on my birthday.

"Or was it just an unfortunate coincidence?" He asked again.

I closed my eyes because I knew that I was the reason now his family was on the edge of falling apart.

But I had to do something. Oswald Drewitt couldn't get away with everything.

First, he had gotten Dakota, Seeley's mother killed, while still blaming her for an unfortunate accident.

Then I found out that he has had another family outside of Seeley and has been living his best life while not giving a damn about Seeley.

And I didn't even talk about him abusing Seeley ever since he was a child, forcing him to think that he deserved every punch and kick he had ever received from him.

There was too much on his plate already.

"I recognized him immediately." I admitted, ashamed and fearful of his reaction.

I have never seen him lose his head but this reveal and huge lie has been brought upon them out of the blue, so it wouldn't surprise me if he'd lash out at me.

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked, his voice was more desparate and confused than angry which surprised me.

"Perkyn, I…"

"If you would have told me then I…"

I arched an eyebrow at his attempt to say something.

"You would have believed me?"

"I—"

I wiped my hair out of my face, scanning the garden where a small bird has landed.

"Would you have believed me if I told you that your father was also the father of Seeley?" I asked softly. "Would you have believed me if I told you that you had a brother?"

He sighed while my words floated between us.

"Probably no." He said in a defeated tone.

"See?"

"I just still can't believe that he lied to me, to Delilah… I don't even know what to say." He said in a muffled tone.

I felt bad for him. And for Delilah also.

It didn't happen every day when it turned out that your spouse has been lying to you. And it wasn't even a white lie.

He had the audacity to keep Seeley a secret. As if he has been ashamed of him or never wanted to give him a second chance at having a family.

He was all alone and beaten while Oswald made sure that he was there for Perkyn and Delilah.

Seeley and Perkyn both had a right to be mad at him.

"I don't expect you to say anything. This is big." I said sympathetically. "I'm sorry for ruining your night."

He scoffed at the end of the line.

"You didn't ruin anything, Heddy." He reassured me and I smiled. "You never could. Not even if you tried."

"Don't be so sure about that." I furrowed my eyebrows, remembering how much pain I have caused Seeley over the last months.

"Don't be so hard on yourself." He scolded me softly. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"Not these kinds of mistakes." I chewed on the corner of my bottom lip.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Just thinking about it made me feel like an invisible hand started suffocating me and it made me feel like crying again.

I sighed and tried to blink my tears away with no such luck.

"I talked about it enough last night." I admitted and there was a pause.

"With Seeley?"

I had a feeling that I somehow let him know that we had been together. Not that it would have been cheating or anything because I wasn't dating either of them but it still was messy.

"Yes." I said. "We have had this conversation coming for a long time now."

He hummed in agreement and it made me wonder if he has jumped to conclusions already.

"And are things good between you two?"

Were they? I had no idea.

We were in a weird place between being friends and lovers but I was still confused about my feelings. I would have never thought that this summer would end like this.

All I wanted to do was to have a great summer before we all went on our separate ways. And it turned out to be a melodrama full of lies, secrets and affairs.

"I hope so." I whispered.

"Do you have feelings for him?" He asked and I closed my eyes, wishing that he didn't ask me.

He had every right to. He knew that I'd been having summer fun with Seeley but he must have noticed a few things last night and now by the tone of my voice.

"I think I do."

"And does he too?"

I sighed when a sharp pain cracked my heart into two pieces. Was this the time when Perkyn would tell me he'd never want to see me ever again if I admitted everything?

It made me sad to think about that possibility. But it would also make sense since who wouldn't want to leave a sinking ship before it was too late?

He wouldn't have deserved all the drama coming with me anyway.

"Seeley told me he loves me."

And there was nothing. Just silence while Perkyn has been processing what I said to him. I felt horrible for making things complicated and hurting his feelings but I didn't want to keep anything from him.

Perkyn was the last person who deserved to be lied to. Especially after last night.

"Present sentence, huh? That sounds… great." He said in a small tone.

My lips pressed into a thin line as I took his broken and anguished voice in.

Why couldn't my life be simple and ordinary? Why did I always hurt someone even when I never wanted to?

"I didn't want any of this to happen, Perkyn."

"No, no, it's fine, really." He reassured me and sniffed. "Do you love him too?"

That was a very good question. I knew that I developed some kind of feelings for him over the summer but I didn't think it was enough to call it love.

I liked him and cared for him but we were friends for so long that we made a weird pairing in my head.

I wouldn't leave him ever because I'd always be there for him if he needed someone but I wasn't sure if I would be able to put up with all of this as his significant other.

Maybe we should have stayed friends. And now that we have gone too far, it was time to fix things between us.

And I thought that we should just stay friends afterward. He'd move away anyway as he said. And he also believed that he didn't fit into my life when I was the one who was out of the picture.

"I like him but I don't think it's love." I admitted my mixed feelings.

Perkyn sighed.

"You can tell me, if you love him I want to know because I don't want any more lies."

"I completely understand that. That's why I'm telling you that I don't know how I feel about him." I said honestly. "We have known each other for so long but maybe that's why we wouldn't make a good pair."

"I think you'd look great." He tried to cheer me up and I let out an empty laugh.

"You know he made me feel good about myself." I admitted with no guilt. "He would never judge me for making mistakes, I'm sure of that. But whenever we have a fight, it kills me. And I think that he can't change. Not after what he discovered last night. It's too much for him, I can see it on his face. And I also don't trust myself for not wanting to give all myself for the other person but also bringing them down at the same time. I tried to change but whenever I think I make a process, I mess things up and it feels like I'm going back."

It felt great to let it all out. And since it was Perkyn who was listening to me on the call, it didn't make me worried if he'd ever make fun of me behind my back.

It felt delightful to have someone who was listening to you without interrupting you. And by the silence that he has hidden behind to told me that he was studying my answer.

"I have a feeling that this all self-destructive feelings with all the insecurities have got to do with a certain someone." He said after a while. "And it's not Seeley or me."

How did he know? Was it the melancholic sound in my voice or was it something else?

"You're way too smart for me, Perkyn." I chuckled and he let out a small laugh.

"No, I'm not." I could hear his smile. "I just pay attention to the details, that's all."

My throat tightened at the memory of my first relationship that messed me up really bad. I blamed him for changing me. For ruining me.

And I blamed myself for not being strong enough to be a decent human being after him.

"I ran away from my problem into a toxic relationship with someone a few months ago." I admitted, my blood running cold just by the mention of it. "His name was Kalen and never once has tried to hide how much he had liked me. It felt good that someone who I thought was out of my league would show interest in me. Especially after my classmates always called me names each day. When Kalen asked me out, I didn't even hesitate to say yes. I wanted to show them that I could date someone like him if I wanted to. I wanted to show them that I was different and better from what they had thought of me. I wanted to prove my worth so much that even my friends noticed all the bad signs about him. But I was completely blind."

I had to stop for a moment because thinking and talking about Kalen made me feel like he was in the corner, watching me with deadly glares.

I still had to collect my thoughts and encourage myself to talk about him because that was probably the key to me letting it all go.

Maybe I've been that selfish and distant with people because I was still carrying his claws in me and since he didn't treat me right, I only got used to being used as a doormat.

Besides, Perkyn would never use that information against me. I just knew it.

"You know the feeling when you are so desperate to have someone that you start to think of all of their flaws as the best thing in them?" I asked. "The more surprised my classmates were, the more it convinced me that no matter what he'd do or say, I had to stay with him because he made me realize that without him I was nothing. He'd control my life in all aspects that you can imagine. He'd tell me what I was allowed to wear or who was I allowed to talk to. I was so blind that I thought that all his possessive behavior was a sign that he cared for me, so I never said no. I had let him show me off as a trophy and I didn't question it. Not even when it made me sad or angry. Leigh and Emilia tried to talk me out of this relationship but when I told Kalen what they had told me, that he was manipulative and emotionally abusive, he lost his cool. He started screaming at me for being an idiot who doesn't even have a brain and I cried almost every night until I could fall asleep. By the end of it, I was emotionally drained and I was afraid to even look at others. Then he told me to cut ties off with my friends, all of them, he told me that if I loved him then I'd do that for him. And that was the last straw for me that made me realize what kind of a relationship I'd been living in."

Perkyn sighed in a troubled way.

"Damn, that sounds a lot, Heddy."

I nodded while trying to focus on the other end of it when I finally managed to break up with him.

"When I told him I wanted to break up with him he lost his shit. He'd call me non-stop, and always try to find me in the hallway, he'd even come into classes where he didn't need to since he was an AP student. I was terrified to walk alone, so one of my friends always made sure to walk me home in case anything happened. A week later he found me in the parking lot and demanded I get back with him, he tried to use his soft side which he knew very well that was my weakness when it came to him and begged me to forgive him. I understood him since none of his parents loved him. He was an unwanted child and they made sure he felt guilty for being even born. I told him that I felt sorry for him because he was neglected and they didn't raise him but that was no excuse for him to treat me like shit. It was both heartbreaking and refreshing. I could finally breathe."

"I'm glad you got out of it." He said.

"I felt so guilty afterward because I kept dreaming of him. I kept seeing him crying and begging me to take him back and I wondered if I was a horrible person for leaving him." I admitted shamefully. "Sometimes I almost called him to tell him that I'd like to get back with him. It still buffles me that I almost went back to that abusive piece of shit."

"It's always hard to leave these relationships." He told me quietly. "They make you feel nothing without them and that's why it's almost impossible to leave them behind. They always guilt you with their traumatic stories to make you feel responsible for their mental health. You did the right thing."

I knew I did but hearing it from someone like Perkyn made me feel proud of myself that I had the power to leave Kalen behind.

"Ever since Kalen I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. Even if I know that I'm right." I said. "I can still hear him blaming for everything."

Perkyn was silent, probably pitying me for my choice of men.

"And what do you think now? What would be the right thing to do?" He asked the question that's been haunting me since forever.

I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to do what was best for all of us. But that would end up hurting someone in the process and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

"I guess listening to my heart instead of my brain." I guessed and he laughed.

"Sounds about right." He agreed. "And what does your heart tells you?"

I bit into my lower lip while fixing my gaze on the bright ceiling.

"I need time to discuss that with all the pieces." I half-joked and he chuckled.

"Of course," he answered easily. "I don't want to rush you to make a decision that would make you unhappy. Take all the time you need."