Chapter 42

We didn't sleep that night.

We were sitting on the hood of his car, just like when we did it on our way to Cannon Beach, and we talked. A lot.

He had told me almost everything about his childhood. He had shared with me his best memories of Alexa and couldn't wipe the smile off his face whenever he was talking about him.

He had told me about his life becoming darker and colorless after her mother's death. He had told me that he could spend hours in his room, just sitting on his bed and staring at the wall. Feeling nothing but emptiness.

I hadn't interrupted him once. I kept my head up and listened to him talking. He might have never talked to me that much than now and I was fine with that.

I wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway.

Not after last night.

Not after he revealed his trauma to me which was a huge step for him.

I would never leave his side from now on, not only because it was a decent thing to do but because he trusted me enough to tell me everything about his life.

And I wanted to show him that I trusted him just as much and I would never judge him for being the way he has been.

Now that I've heard everything, I looked at him in a different way. Suddenly his mood changes, his distant moments… they all made sense now.

I just wished that he would have told me sooner so that we could have avoided those arguments that we have had.

"Seeley?" I asked, my head resting on his shoulder while we were watching the sun rising from the dark ocean.

"Yes?" His voice was calm and cracked from crying last night.

"When we were at the bar last night… you told me that it was hard to do." I said with a frown and he looked down at me. "What were you talking about?"

Seeley turned to the orange sun, breaking and chasing away the darkness above us.

"I talked about letting you go." He said quietly and my heart skipped a beat.

I didn't know what to say. I had such a hard time making him believe that I'd never leave him because being alone in a world like this was the worst kind of punishment for him.

And now he was debating whether he had to let me go or not?

The lines have been blurred so much that I felt like drowning. Why did he feel the need to let go of me?

We have had our ups and downs but that didn't mean we couldn't ivolve to be the best version of ourselves.

"Why?"

Seeley rubbed the side of his cheek and took my hand into his, softly caressing my knuckles with his thumb.

I wished I could understand him more but a part of me was afraid of the rawness of his devastating thoughts. He could barely smile since last night, not that it wasn't understandable why was he so shut off.

"Because I love you, Heds." He said and my world stopped spinning. "I always have. Ever since I ruined your Chemistry project years ago."

No one existed in that moment while I felt like my heart was about to burst through my chest. No one has ever told me that they loved me.

It felt surreal and chased all my worries away. I would have never thought that those words have held so much power.

"After you kissed me when we lost our match, I was happy. So happy that I hadn't felt in a long time." He said and my throat tightened, guilt gripping at it. "It felt like a dream coming true. I had thought that you finally saw me, really saw me and also felt the same. I was about to tell you how I felt when you ran away. That moment my heart was broken only seconds after you put it back together."

I felt like crying again. I had no idea that he has been feeling that way for years now. Or I just didn't want to see because I was so against dating a classmate.

While I was embarrassed of our kiss, he felt like the happiest person in the world only to have me break him in the next seconds.

I was heartless, Clara and the others were right. I had no empathy for those who were close to me. I couldn't see their struggle because I've always been fed up with my problems that I didn't want to see what has been right in front of me.

"Seeley, I am sorry about everything." I choked up, not even finding the right words.

Maybe because there weren't right words.

I could only apologize, and I'd do that for years and I'd still feel like shit.

I was just as selfish as my mother has been. I've been fighting for so long that I wouldn't become like her that I didn't even notice that I turned into something worse than she ever could be.

"You didn't know." He tried to smooth my hair but I pulled my head away.

"No, that doesn't make it right." I said and sniffed. I must have looked like shit because I felt like I was. "I should have seen it in you but I didn't want to risk our friendship so I ruined it and walked away as if nothing had happened. I understand now why you had been so distant with me."

Seeley gave me a sad look before kissing my hand.

"It's okay, Heds." He said quietly. "You can't force someone to love you despite you giving them your heart."

I closed my eyes while a frown took over my face. I couldn't bear the weight and the pain that his words have been carrying. It felt like they pulled me down like an anchor and I wouldn't stop falling until I reached the bottom.

Now that I'd reached it, I saw nothing but darkness and wherever I looked guilt has stared back at me.

I felt guilty for not seeing how Seeley has felt toward me.

I felt guilty for giving him hope then shattering it in only a matter of seconds.

I felt guilty for being a coward and not giving him a chance to explain himself.

I felt guilty for playing his feelings.

I felt guilty for not cutting things off with him because of Leigh.

I felt guilty for lying to my best friend while she had feelings for someone who has been in love with me for years.

I felt guilty for making Seeley feel that he was less than he was when he was the strongest person I've ever met.

I felt guilty for making Seeley think that he would never be good for me.

I felt guilty for not being able to be brave and tell one of boys that I wouldn't be with them.

I felt guilty for playing with their feelings while I had feelings for both of the brothers.

This whole situation was messed up and chaotic, it was an emotional roller coaster and all I wanted to do was trying to help him overcome his fears and insecurities.

"I'm such a horrible person." I whispered, while pulling my knees up to my chest.

He turned to me and gave me a small and weak smile. That was the best he could do in the state he has been.

"Don't say that. You are special, it's me who is not fitting in your life." He caressed my cheek carefully.

Did he?

Something told me that he was right even though I would have never admitted that fact. I didn't want to think less of him because he has been struggling since his childhood.

"Your mother even told you that, " he continued." I would do anything for you but I would also bring you down with me and I can't let myself do that."

I slowly shook my head, trying to hold into the tiniest glimpse of hope there ever has been.

"You wouldn't." I didn't know if I tried to convince him or myself. Maybe both of us.

He gave me a bitter smile before taking a deep breath.

"I would because I ruin everything that I touch. It has been like that for years now." He admitted and I felt pain filling my chest. "I guess that's why I started to date Clara. Because I deserve to be hurt."

I didn't know what to say to that.

He just openly admitted the fact that Clara has been hurting him. I felt my blood boiling for Clara daring to hurt someone like him. And I was also mad at Seeley for thinking that he deserved to be hurt.

"How has she been hurting you?" I asked, my voice defeated.

I wondered if he meant emotional pain or something physical. I started to think back the time when he was bringing me here and we were sitting on his car like we were now. I remembered him rubbing his shoulder that has been hurt.

My mind instantly started to think that it might not have been practice where his accident happened but it might had to do something with Clara.

I was begging him silently to not admit that she has been putting her hands on him because it would have crushed my heart even more.

"She'd tell me that I was nothing but a loser for not man up. She would call me names, throw things at me then would cry for my forgiveness." He whispered.

"And you forgave her?" I asked shocked. I couldn't imagine how would he forgive somnded h horrible. Something that probably reminded him of his abusive and gaslighting father.

"Every time."

I rubbed my dry eyes and tried to fight my urge to cry for him. I've done that more than enough times over the night. I didn't think I could cry that much for someone.

I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so many times.

"Why?" I asked.

Seeley gave me a sad smile that soon turned into a painful frown.

"Because despite everything she has ever done to me, hurting me many times, telling me that I was nothing, she still was there for me. No one else was." He explained and my breath got caught in my throat.

He must have thought that he messed it up after I kissed him and pushed him off coldly, so he asked Clara out because he had thought that she'd punish him for being himself.

A single tear dropped down my cheek while I couldn't breathe.

I hurt him so much that I subconciously pushed him into an abusive relationship.

Words couldn't describe how disgusted I've felt by myself.

Only if I would have used my head, he wouldn't have been hurt for months while silently suffering. Because he had always made sure no one saw how much pain he had been.

I felt like vomiting. My stomach tightened and I couldn't stop the tears forming in my eyes. I had to be the most horrible person that ever lived.

I was even capable of hurting someone who was my friend without even noticing.

All I wanted to do was going back in time and fix everything. I wouldn't have kissed him, I wouldn't have made him feel unworthy and he wouldn't have ever asked Clara out.

I was just as angry at myself as I was at Clara.

Who did she think she was to hurt her boyfriend? Then force him into an open-relationship without asking him about anything?

If she didn't care about him then why didn't she break up with him instead of walking over his heart over and over?

Why did she feel good for getitng the chance to hurt someone every day?

"You deserve better, Seeley." I broke the silence that was sitting on us for a few minutes now.

He felt like he deserved the worst while he really deserved the best.

He was the opposite of unworthy.

And now Clara has also ruined him and turned him into something dark and lost.

"I don't." He shook his head. "I deserve everything that has ever happened to me."

I inhaled and raised my head, searching his eyes. I was in no position to tell him how he should have felt about himself but I since I was nothing but a heartless person, I knew that he was far from being a terrible person.

"You shouldn't love me because I'm not good for you." I said and cupped his face. Even if someday we would become something more, I was sure that I would remember ruin his life so much that I caused him a life-long pain.

And I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

He might but I knew for a fact that I'd never forget that and wouldn't forgive myself for being poisoned.

"How can you say that?" He asked, genuinely surprised and confused.

I bit into my lower lip and dropped my gaze to the hood of his car, ashamed and sad.

"Because I've been nothing but horrible to you." I whispered defeatedly. "And I don't want to hurt you anymore."

He dropped his forehead against mine while his fingers traced over the curve of my neck.

He was in so much pain, I could see it on his torn and exhausted face, part because of me and because of his father. And he still loved me despite all the trouble and pain I'd brought upon him.

"You always gave me hope." He said and sniffed. "Hope that made me change my mind and inspired me to try to rebuild our friendship. And I had hoped that if we would be friends with benefits then slowly you'd see how I have been feeling."

I sighed, too tired to argue or remind him that out of the two of us, I was the only problematic person here.

"I was afraid that you'd reject me again so I tried to show it through my actions." His hot breath hit my face. "I just can't find my way around words."

"Don't say that."

His hand moved to the back of my neck, softly massaging my scalp.

"When you told me that you want to finish this because Leigh told you that she had feelings for me, I was scared." He admitted silently. "Scared that you'd walk out of my life again, scared that I would never be able to see you, talk to you, and touch you."

I licked my lips and took a shaky breath. He knew his ways around words he just didn't realize it.

"Did you mean it when you promised me that you would never leave me?"

With every doubt and painful image in my mind, I nodded. No matter how much I liked Perkyn, in some way his life didn't cost him his childhood.

"I did." I said and he kissed me.

His kiss was desperate at first then all his frustrations disappeared when I parted my lips, letting his tongue find its way into my mouth.

My body relaxed when his lips worked gently against mine as he cupped my face, deepening our kiss.

I let go of my guilty thoughts and tried to give myself to him. All of him.

I was selfish enough to be happy that he has loved me for years now. That made his kiss and touches somehow more meaningful and loved.

He carefully pushed me back to my back while he slid of the car and stood between my legs. My bun fell apart and covered his car. The metal was cold and refreshing against my skin.

His touch was still burning me and I didn't notice him at first sliding his hand under my dress.

"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, Heds."

His words sent a shiver through me as he lowered his head and started to enjoy the taste of the skin on my neck.

I felt dizzy as his hand grazed over the top of my thigh and he breathed into my neck.

His left hand found its way into my hair and got tangled in it while the other pulled off my underwear.

A part of me was afraid that we could get caught but my body was on fire already and there was no way I'd ever want him to stop touching me.

My hands traveled across his hard chest and his lips landed on mine again as he worshipped me with everything in him.

I unfastened his belt and he helped me free his crotch and I could feel how much he wanted me.

It always fascinated me how much he has always wanted me.

Even if it was only to distract him from everything that has been happening, I had no problem giving him that.

When he slowly pressed into me, I breathed into his mouth as a wave of satisfaction ran through me.

I didn't know if it was because he openly admitted his love for me or if was it because of the effect that last night has had on him but this time it was different.

I could feel his gentleness and love in his movements as he withdrew and lowered himself back into me.

I could feel myself tightening around him as his hands roamed over my body while nibbling on my neck.

He groaned after I crossed my legs around him at the ankles and pulled himself close to me.

"I love you so much, Heddy." He breathed into my mouth and ran his fingers over the side of my head with dazzling eyes. "I always have."