twenty-five

That was until I remembered Meng's offer and that she'd told me she was still waiting on that phone call. I guess now was probably the best time to do that, since me and that wanker were on a break and I needed a little of distraction.

It took me another thirty-odd minutes to decide whether I wanted to meet up with Meng, but eventually I sent the text, and now here we were, wandering through the streets with hot chocolates in hand.

We'd spent the past hour in a cafe sharing chips, but now we were heading down towards a local park, where we could sit at a bench and finish our drinks.

We didn't talk for a few moments and it was a little awkward, if I was honest. I took a sip of my hot chocolate, letting my eyes wander around the park, from the tall trees that towered around the outline to the wide space of grass that we were facing.

So how come you were so bored you had no other option than to call me?' Her words were playful, but obviously fishing for some sort of reassurance that I wanted to be here with her.

I almost replied with my boyfriend being a piece of shit, but stopped myself and said, "Trust me, you weren't a last resort, Meng." I smiled at her through the lie, tossing my empty hot chocolate cup in the bin beside me. My apologies for not calling you sooner. But I've been a little busy.

She smiled, looking down at her hands, which were entwined around her cup, her thumbs gently moving over the polystyrene. I'm glad you called. We should do this again sometime.

"Oh, yeah." It surprised me at how well I faked my enthusiasm for the idea. She was a splendid girl, sure, but she wasn't... I thought long and hard about this, but she wasn't Zhan. And that's all that mattered, really. This would have been a thousand times better if I were with Zhan.

Meng nudged my thigh with her knee. I looked over at her to find a small smile playing on her lips. The beanie she was wearing made her face look small and thin, and it matched the color of her eyes. She looked mahogany in the orange glow of the streetlights. She was all snuggled up in her long winter coat that was tied at the waist. It all made her look very delicate, which was misleading because delicate was something she most definitely wasn't.

"I should probably get home," she breathed.

Walk me back?' I nodded. I stood up and offered her my hand to help her to her feet. She was wearing very tall heels, and throughout the evening she'd been a little wobbly on her feet. She linked her arm through mine to use me for support as she walked.

I didn't really mind, although it was a hint that this meetup meant a little more to her than it did to me. She huddled up against my side as we sauntered back to her house. We talked back and forth about school and the future. A bit of banter went on until we reached her house, and then her hand slid down my arm to link with my fingers as she pulled away.

"Thank you for tonight. I had a really pleasant time. " She smiled, and I returned it. I didn't really see what was so remarkable about it. All we did was talk and eat chips. She crowded in close again and leaned in to give me a gentle, chaste kiss on the lips. I closed my eyes as she did, and when I reopened them, I was greeted with a very prominent blush glowing on each of Meng's cheeks. I probably shouldn't have given her so many compliments tonight or something.

Shit, who was I kidding? I came out intending to flirt to get Zhan out of my head and figure out what the fuck I really wanted. It didn't seem to be Meng. I felt guilty for saying that after what had just happened. I never wanted to endure the wrath of Meng. She could be pretty terrifying when she was pissed off. I was definitely going to regret this when it finally came to the time when I had to tell her I wasn't interested.

Okay, well, I'm going to, she laughed. "I will see you at school tomorrow. Night. " She let go of my hand and headed up the steps and into her house. I waited until she closed the door behind her before walking away in a somewhat dazed state. I probably should have said something there. I didn't dwell on it too long. This is because it's not like I had a time machine and could turn back the clock and change it, so I simply shrugged it away and crossed that bridge when I came to it.

I didn't fancy heading home yet, so I walked around aimlessly for another hour, getting lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about how much of a drama queen Zhan had been lately. Fucking putting us on a break just because I checked Meng out in class. Seriously, he should have been born with a vagina.

He never gave me an explanation for why he was pissed. Apparently, he just expected me to know, as if I could read his mind. I don't know how he could even expect that since he was so damn cryptic. Always secretive and a goddamn hypocrite, as well. He really fucking was. I was too tired to give out bullet points on why, but he was.

I twirled my phone around in my hand. I'm contemplating whether to send him a text. Maybe he'd cooled down. Jesus, I sounded like a clingy girlfriend. This was completely new to me. I hated it when Zhan was pissed at me, but that hardly ever happened. I mean, we had our moments of fights, but they were just small, petty things that were forgotten about in the next ten minutes.

Oh fuck it, I had to sort this out. I decided I was just gonna go straight over to his house and have it out with him. The suspense was fucking killing me and I was done with this entire space and waiting it out bullshit. I liked him. A lot. I just wasn't sure if I loved him. What even is love? Does it even exist or is it just an illusion people like to believe in? Something to base their happiness on. How was I supposed to know? I was still only young.

I walked the distance to his house. It only took about twenty minutes before I was there and, wasting no time, knocked on the door. When no one answered, I tried the handle and came to find that the door was unlocked. I walked inside. This wasn't the first time I'd welcomed myself into Xiao's household unannounced.

I heard some sort of sobbing or snivelling coming from the lounge, so I slowly made my way in that direction instead of up the stairs. They didn't sound like the noises Zhan made when he was crying, so I assumed it was his mum, since she recently found out her husband was cheating on her and everything. But it surprised me to find it was Zhan's elder sister, Lu.

I stood awkwardly in the doorway, tapping my fingers on my thighs. I didn't know whether to sit down and comfort her and ask her what was wrong or whether to just leave her to it. Her body jumped as she saw me, muttering, "Jesus, you scared me, " in a small voice as she wiped at the mascara stains trailing down her cheeks.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, but I was looking for Zhan. She took a deep breath, her bottom lip trembling again. God, I'm a mess," she said, wiping at her eyes. Her voice was a deep tremor of sadness. I couldn't help myself. I'd had a crush on her since I was like five. There's obviously some part of me that cares about her.

I sat down beside her on the sofa. "What happened?" She combed her fingers through her hair and pulled the strands from her face that had stuck to her cheeks from her tears. I liked this guy, and we hooked up, and I thought we had something, but then I realised I was just another name on his list of fucks, and I sound like such a stupid bitch for ever thinking I was something more to him in the first place, but I just like him, you know?

"Oh." I cleared my throat. What was I supposed to do? Should I pat her on the shoulder? Make her a sandwich? Call the guy a dick and say she could do better? Yeah, no, instead I kinda just sat there awkwardly with my hands in my lap as she cried some more.

"I just wanted... to have a boyfriend." She sobbed in between deep breaths and occasional pauses as she wiped at her nose and eyes.

"Hey, trust me, boyfriends aren't all they're cracked up to be." I said without thinking. I took a double-take of what I'd just said and hoped she'd been too busy wrapped up in her thoughts to have heard me properly.

But apparently not, as she stopped her outrageous sobbing and turned to look at me in confusion. You're kidding, right? They take you to the movies, tell you they love you, and buy you flowers for god's sake! " Her bottom lip started shaking, and she bit down on it to release another wave of cries. "All my friends have them."

"Uh." I looked around the room, wishing I hadn't gotten myself involved in this weird teenage chick drama. I made a mental note to tell Zhan that I had received no flowers from him yet. He has also never taken me to the movies. How dare he call himself my boyfriend and not stick to the apparent boyfriend code?

At that moment, Lu fell against my side, her forehead resting on my shoulder, probably wiping her mascara all over my shirt. I put my palm on her back and, not knowing what else to do, said, "There, there," in the most comforting voice I could muster. I wasn't so good with this stuff when it came to girls. She eventually stopped crying and sat upright once more. She spent a few moments composing herself before she started speaking to me again. "Sorry about all that, Yibo."

No worries. I should probably get going.

"Guys can be real dicks, you know?" She cut in, stopping me from leaving, which I needed to do pretty soon if I wanted to keep my sanity. I hope you're not one of those kinds of guys, Yibo.

I gulped. "Of course not." She looked at me, although it didn't really feel like she was seeing me. Why would guys, erm, ever treat a girl like that? You know, it's just disgusting. " I rambled. My eyes kept drifting over towards the door. I was hoping she would not have another breakdown again. I'd like to keep my white shirt white, thank you very much. She leaned in towards me again, but this time she didn't go for my shoulder. She went for my lips. I sat there, stunned, as her mouth pressed against mine. My mind started racing a mile a minute as her lips started moving and her hand came up to wrap around my neck.

This was the girl I'd had a crush on since forever. This was the girl I'd always wanted to hop to it with, but she'd always seen me as some little boy. I was kissing Lu Xiao. This was like my thirteen-year-old self's dream.

Just as she pulled away, I heard words that hadn't come from my mouth, and they were far too deep to come from Lu's. "Hey, I'm just going to go down to the store to..." they trailed off just as my eyes trailed from Lu's face to the doorway to find Zhan standing there, disbelief all over his face.

"Are you kidding me?" I didn't hear the anger in his tone. I heard nothing but what sounded like exhaustion. He just didn't have any energy to show his anger or his sadness. And that, somehow, was worse.

I looked towards Lu and then back to Zhan. Wordlessly, I did not know what I could say in this situation to flip the coin and make Zhan believe it wasn't what it looked like.

Lu was watching in a sort of blank confusion, not fully understanding what was so wrong, why tears were welling up in Zhan's eyes, and why I was desperately trying to search for an excuse.

"Zhan, please!" I yanked my legs to stand up. They felt shaky beneath the weight.

My movements seemed to have kicked Zhan's head into gear as he shook his head and walked away whilst saying, "Whatever, man, I'm so done with this."

What have I got in between? Lu asked, still sitting on the sofa. I glanced down at her, feeling a deep pang of guilt in the pit of my stomach.

"Nothing. Just… nothing." I murmured before leaving to chase Zhan outside the front door. He was already halfway down the path and I had to run to catch up to him.

"Don't bother saying a word, Yibo." My feet had pounded so heavily on the concrete that he knew I was right behind him as I slowed to a walk. I was breathing as though I was badly out of shape, but really it was more the panic I felt that was causing my breathing to be so loud and fast.

"Zhan, you gotta hear me out. I came around to see you-" "I don't give a fuck, Yibo!" He spun on his heels, jolting me in my steps. "That was my sister! My fucking sister! I know you've had the hots for her since you were a kid, but are you fucking serious? Hell, I'd have taken you cheating with Meng over you cheating with her. Of all fucking people, you sick bastard."

"Okay, wait, just chill a second, alright? I haven't cheated, Zhan. It was just a kiss, and it meant nothing."Bullshit, it meant nothing. All you could ever talk about was kissing her when you were twelve"

"Thirteen." I corrected him. I don't give a flying fuck how old you were. The point of it is that you don't take whatever this is between us seriously.

You don't want to, do you? You're just not cut out for relationships. I always knew you weren't. I don't know what I was thinking of getting involved with you and now look what's happened? We're fighting. I can't stand to look at you without getting this pain in my chest and it hurts so damn much, Yibo."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking down on the pavement. I couldn't look him in the eye. He sighed, lowering his voice back to where it sounded tired and empty. I think it's a little late for apologies. Now I'm going to walk away. Don't follow me.

And he did. He walked away, and I stood exactly where I was and watched him. I think I understood then what kind of pain he was talking about, cause deep in my chest I got this heavy feeling right where I felt my heart beating, that slowly tightened as though someone had reached in and enclosed their hand around my heart and was slowly crushing it. I felt sick, and all I could do was stand there.

I dragged my feet all the way home, making scraping noises against the pavement which my mother would have scolded me for if she were here. I didn't care if I scuffed up my trainers. It was a long walk home, but I needed it. I needed the time to clear my head, and once I finally got to my house, I headed straight for the sofa and sank into it with a deep sigh. Mandy joined me a few moments later. She must have heard me slam the door shut. She stood leaning against the doorway that lead to the kitchen, just staring at me in silence until she eventually said, "Right, tell me what's wrong." And collapsed onto the sofa beside me.

When I didn't reply, she nudged me with her elbow. I glanced up at her, giving her a solemn smile.

"I screwed things up with Zhan," I muttered, looking back down at my hands, which were playing with the hem of my shirt.

" And how's that, then?" She relaxed back into the cushions as though she were getting comfortable for a long story. I shook my head. She leaned in closer and softened her voice. "Come on, you can tell me."

"I'm just an ass, that's all." She scoffed. "Yibo, honey, everyone's an ass. I doubt things are that bad between you two. You've been best friends since before I can remember. You'll sort things out, I'm sure." Her words were warm, and I really wanted to let them convince me they were true, but the thing is, I was pretty damn sure they weren't.