twenty-four

Mondays. I hate Mondays for obvious reasons, but this particular Monday was even worse than the rest. Today could either destroy my universe or be the start of a new level of friendship between me and Yu Bin. You know, because he obviously knows I'm shagging my best friend now, and I would love him forever. If he kept that a secret. I hadn't seen him yet though, but me and Zhan showed up early today. I elbowed Zhan in the side. "What about if you text him? Get him to meet us somewhere?," I whispered. Zhan rolled his eyes.

"Yibo, no. We're gonna wait for him to show up here, and see if he approaches us first, okay? And if he doesn't, then we can sneak up behind him, throw a bag over his head and drag him off behind the west building." He said, then added as a side note, "I liked that idea more than your other. Texting him to meet us isn't as dramatic.

"I was only joking with that one, Zhan, Jesus."

What, kidnapping or texting?'

"The kidnapping!" "Really? "Wow, you're getting old on me, babe. He smirked.

I got annoyed and let my gaze wander back over to the door to our form. An immediate surge of anxiety rushed up through my chest, and my breathing quickened. Yu Bin had finally shown up. He didn't even try to be subtle, what with the incredibly wide eyes and the intense staring at what he was doing. I gulped, trying to figure out if he wanted me to walk over to him or if that was a look of complete disgust. Or maybe it was the look of impending doom. I couldn't decide, until he nodded his head towards the doorway, showing for me to follow him. I sighed in relief; it looked like it was the first.

Zhan glanced at me. I'm scared, I whispered, looking for reassurance, but he just shoved me away from him and told me to get on with it. As I trudged out of the room, Yu Bin was leaning against the wall on my left, a few steps down the empty corridor. I stopped by his side and propped myself against the wall too, shoving my hands in my pockets so that he couldn't see them shivering.

"Hey," I said, shrugging my shoulders, trying to shake off the anxiety.

"Hey, " He smiled at me, an awkward, nervous smile. "I wanted you to know that. Yeah, I was a bit freaked out, I mean," he chuckled. "You know, two of my best friends are making out behind the west building. Both of them got dicks, so I'm gonna be shocked, right? But it's cool. Am cool with it. And I ain't gonna tell nobody, not unless you want me to." He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief once he'd finished speaking. I joined in with him.

"So you don't hate me? You're not disgusted with me? You haven't told a single soul? Have you? Have you told anyone? No one knows, right?" I whispered furiously. Despite everything he'd just said, I was growing increasingly anxious by the second.

"Woah, woah Yibo, man, chill out." He held his hands up in front of me. "I haven't said a word. I don't hate you, and even if I did, I definitely wouldn't be disgusted. What did you think I was, a homophobe? I'm not as low as that. I'm insulted. He shoved my shoulder playfully, a smile playing across his lips.

"Oh, my God, it feels like Christmas has arrived early," I exhaled, feeling my entire body relax."Jesus shit, Yu Bin, you scared the fuck out of me all weekend. I thought, well, I thought we were done, man. "

"Nah, man. As long as you don't start doing your thing with your new boyfriend all in my face, we're cool. Because I don't need to see that action. I like my girls. You know, I don't want to be converted. And this guy, pointing down to his crotch, "Well, he's easily influenced."

I raised my eyebrows at him. Don't tell Zhan that. He'll fuck with you all day. Metaphorically, obviously. I paused for a moment, deep in thought. Actually, no, if you gave him the chance, he'd probably fuck you for real.

"Aren't you guys, like, going out or something, though?" Just as Yu Bin said that, the hallway was flooded with students leaving the form room, all of them heading off to the first period. The sound of teenage banter filled the small area.

Yeah, I replied. But, I don't know, maybe he'll get bored with me and want to try someone else. Yu Bin's eyebrows furrowed. He opened his mouth to speak, but his words were silenced as Zhan huddled in with us against the wall. He braved the stampede of people passing through the narrow corridor.

"So, are we lovers or haters?" Zhan shouted above the noise.

Yu Bin replied, "For me. "Lovers, man. Always lovers. He grinned. Zhan's fist pumped into the air.

"See, I told you, Yibo. I told you he'd be cool with it. "

"Yeah, yeah, I waved a hand in his direction, brushing him off. "Come on, we better head to class."

Ah, English. English. English, English. I fucking hated this class. But I got to sit next to Meng for this lesson. This is because, apparently, we'd assigned ourselves our own seats, which were always right next to each other whenever we had class together. I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to sit close to Meng Ziyi? She could turn a gay man straight. But I was already straight. I just… liked to shag Zhan. It made sense in my head, okay?

This time, we sat at a four-seater table. Meng was right at the end. I was on her right, and on my right sat Zhan, who was leaning forward on his elbows, giving Meng a very weird glare. Whenever she looked directly at him, however, he would give her a very weird smile. To be honest, I didn't really know what to make of it. It looks like Meng didn't either.

"So I never got that call," she murmured in a light, playful voice. "I was free all weekend."

"Ah, yeah, sorry. Had my hands full. " I almost choked at the imagery that flooded my mind with my words. I mean, I, uh, I had a lot of stuff to do for my father around the house.

Meng slowly nodded her head. I think she caught on to the fact that I'd made that up.

"Well, if you're free next weekend, maybe you could come get your hands full around my house." She winked, chuckling.

It was then that I got nudged in the side by Zhan's elbow, a little too much strength behind the action than was needed. He tapped his pen on the side of my page, pointing towards a tiny drawing of a dick. I wasn't sure if he'd done it just as a joke, because it was a very "Zhan" thing to do, or if there was more to it than that. Zhan always got jealous easily. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong. I wasn't the one flirting here, Meng was.

It continued on like that throughout the entire lesson. Meng would make some flirty remark or innuendo and then Zhan would do something to steal my attention away from her, and so on and so forth. I felt like they were playing tug of war and I was the rope. It made me slightly pissed at Zhan, though. Did he have to be so controlling? Could I not even talk to girls any more?

Finally, the lesson ended, and I stormed out of the classroom without saying goodbye to Meng. I spared a second to flip Zhan the middle finger as I charged out the door. He wasted no time in catching up to me in the hallway. He pulled me close to him, holding me tightly by the arm as he walked, whispering furiously into my ear.

"You asked me out, Yibo, not the other way round. So start acting like a fucking boyfriend and not a two-faced cheating whore. " He released his grip on me after he'd spat those words into my ear. They made my whole body stall momentarily, my mind fumbling with the controls and trying to figure out just how to get my legs to work again.

Zhan! I shouted after him, finally able to move again. He was shoving his way through the oncoming traffic of people, not caring who he was pushing out of the way.

Zhan, come on. Wait. We need to talk!' He spun around on his heels.

"Do we? Do we really, Yibo? " The question confused me. I suspected he was trying to accuse me of something, but I couldn't quite figure out what. We always need to talk whenever you want to talk, don't we? It doesn't matter when I want to, though. "Right? " He sighed. "You know what? Fuck it. I don't know. I'm out of here. " He turned back around and started off towards the building's entrance.

I followed closely behind him.

The next time I spoke was just after we'd left the premises of the school. Zhan, where are we going? He didn't reply, just upped his pace like he was trying to get away from me. Hell, he probably was. But we needed to talk about this.

Everything needed to be explained. I wanted to be the guy he expected me to be. I just, that would mean changing everything about me. I was flirty, arrogant, and hung out with a lot of girls. To be who Zhan envisioned me to be would mean changing that. I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

Eventually, Zhan's power walk ended inside an empty bus shelter. The atmosphere was quite dull thanks to the grey clouds in the sky, but I would not let that dim my determination to say what I needed to say.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for being the way I am. You've always been fine with it before, but now you want me to change? I'm not sure if I can do that for you, Zhan. "

"Are you kidding me?" He glared at me. Yibo, I'm not asking you to reinvent yourself. I'm asking you to be faithful. "

"I haven't even cheated!"

"No, but you will!" he shouted, waving his hands in the air. "You will. Won't you? Don't lie to me, Yibo. I am certain the answer is yes. I know it is because I know you."

"So if you know me so well, then why did you ever agree to go out with me in the first place? Apparently, you're saying it's inevitable that I'm going to cheat on you, so why say yes?"

"Because I love you. I fucking love you. I couldn't have said no even if I'd really wanted to."

He sat down on the metal bench that ran along the glass bus shelter and dropped his head into his hands. His fingers buried themselves in his blonde hair. I knelt down in front of him, pulling his hands away from his face. He looked at me with red-rimmed eyes.

With sincerity, I said, "I'm sorry." I don't think I've ever been more sincere in my life.

"I'm sorry that you have this shitty expectation of me, but I'll do all I can to prove you wrong. I won't cheat on you, Zhan. I'm sorry that I flirt and like to hang out with girls and, you know, I stare. Although I often do this without realizing it, I will try not to do it again. Please do not be angry with me."

I just feel you're trying to prove something. Maybe you're telling yourself something, maybe you're telling others something, I don't know. I just believe you're trying to prove that you're not gay, so that you don't feel different. Do you know what I mean?''

"I'm not gay- " Zhan groaned, pulling his wrists out of my grip and standing up.

"Jesus Christ, when are you willing to admit it? You are gay, Yibo. Whether you like it or not. Maybe not only, sure. I can believe that from the way you eye-rape Meng every time she walks into your line of sight. But you can't deny that you're gay when you have a boyfriend. "

I sighed, shaking my head. I didn't want to talk about this anymore. We weren't exactly getting anywhere. My eyes were growing more and more tired with every second, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed and sleep the rest of the day away.

"I'm done talking about this." I said, heading out of the shelter. As I was walking away, I turned back to say, "Till I prove you wrong, you know." Whether it was proving I wouldn't cheat or proving I wasn't gay, I wasn't entirely sure.

Zhan didn't reply, so I left without another word.

We returned to school after our fight at the bus shelter, but when we passed in the corridors or were in the same class, we didn't talk. He didn't even return my stare. It was once we got back to my house that I realised how pissed with me he really was. I couldn't understand why. I really didn't know what I'd done. That was so bad. He was shoving all of his clothes back into his duffel bag. He didn't care for folding, just rammed them all in there and hoped it'd fit. I followed him to and from different areas of the room as he picked up discarded clothing and his toiletries from the bathroom.

"Please hold up and give me a reason you're leaving?" I'd been asking him ever since he started packing, but he hadn't said a word until now. I fought the urge to unpack his clothing despite him.

"I think we need some space."

I stopped in the middle of my room. My eyes continued to trail around after his movements. "Some space." I murmured. "We're taking a break?"

"If that's how you want to look at it." His voice was continuously low and lacking in all of his usual enthusiasm and energy.

I don't understand exactly; why are we going on a break? Do I not get a say in this or is it just whatever you decide?'

"Yibo, don't even- just don't even start with that." He put his hand up in frustration. "I'm not in the mood to talk to you right now, okay? I need some space to figure things out in my head."

"You mean to figure out if I'm worth the effort or not?"

"Yibo," he sighed, irritation ringing crystal clear in his tone.

No, no, don't lie about this. That's the truth, isn't it? I'm not worth it, am I? This caused Zhan to stop in the middle of my room, too, and face me directly for the first time since we got back.

I just don't want to put so much into someone who inevitably realises this wasn't ever anything real, but an experimentation. Something to try out. I don't want to be one of your minor projects, Yibo.

"What in the fuck made you think you were an experiment?"

"The fact that you hardly try! You just..you're all sex and hiding and I just don't know, Yibo. I don't know. Maybe you should figure out if this is what you want—if I am truly what you want. Maybe having some time to think will be good for you, too.

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I stood there with my lips in a fine line as he finished packing the rest of his stuff and he slung his duffel bag over his right shoulder. The doubt started creeping in as his words circulated around my mind. Maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn't taking things seriously enough. Did I really want to be with Zhan? Could I really see myself being in a full-on relationship with him and telling all my friends? Is that what I wanted? I'd never really thought about it. Having not said anything, Zhan must have assumed I had nothing more to say and walked past me in silence, heading for the door.

"I don't want you to leave, Zhan." My voice was dry and rough as I spoke. I heard his footsteps come to a pause. I wasn't facing him, and I didn't dare look over my shoulder. But just as I was about to work up the courage to do so, I heard his footsteps resume, and when I finally turned to look at him, he was gone.

I collapsed down onto my bed, and for the better part of twenty minutes, I lay there staring up at my ceiling. There wasn't anything important going through my mind. I wasn't thinking about what had just happened between me and Zhan. It was more things like remembering those little toys I used to get in cereal boxes. And the snap, crackle, and pop packets I used to get with my Rice Krispies.