002 – What the F*ck is Going on

Where am I? I had just been lying on that floor, left to rot. Now, where was I? Is this the afterlife? An image of that eternal void penetrated my mind. I had been there for some time. Whatever had happened there, I had no clue. All I knew is that under no circumstances did I ever want to go back there again.

I glanced down at… Myself? It was a silhouette of me, glowing an ethereal blue. Its proportions were the same as mine, but I looked more like a clay model with the finer features missing. When I poked my arm with my other finger, they both deformed like clay as well, but as soon as the pressure was removed, it returned to normal.

My internal thoughts were interrupted when I heard a scream that seemed to penetrate my soul. I looked and saw a blue glow, the same shade as me, in the distance, and tried to move towards it. Yes, this was working. It was kind of like swimming, really. At least this void had substance, unlike that other one.

After an arduous swim and me noticing how my body was becoming hazier and gradually brighter, I finally arrived at the silhouette. It was in the shape of a little girl, modeled like clay, the same as me.

She, however, was sobbing heavily, and I noticed several cracks slowly spreading across her body. I reached out to touch her, but as soon as we made contact, our bodies melded together. I immediately felt a barrage of emotions. It dug up feelings I had not felt in years, up from the pits I had buried them beneath. I also felt a hopeful plea of despair come over everything else as if begging. 'Please stay here.'

I surrendered and let the feeling overtake me. I felt a presence engulf me as I too engulfed it. Memories began appearing in my head, as I felt my own memories being taken as well before being returned. This process went on for who knows how long.

It was as if each of us were instruments out of tune and gradually, we became closer and closer to being the same. This process took so long I have no clue how long it lasted. As we finally harmonized, I reveled in the feeling of comfort, as if everything bad was just a faint echo. My mind slowly closed up on itself as I felt myself truly die. I did not fight it, however. It was as if two things could combine to be greater than the sum of their parts…

I took a deep breath as I sat up on the bed.

I stared at the bandage-wrapped hands I now had. As I glanced around the room, I realized I was in some kind of hospital. Each breath I inhaled felt like sand as I noticed that I had some kind of mask on. It had a flowing blue gas running through it.

My head felt like it had been beaten thoroughly, but my mind was oddly clear. I continued in this delirious state while contemplating my situation. Everything in my head was weirdly placed. As time went on, I gradually felt more and more relief as if my mind was slotting itself together.

The memories I had were all mixed, without context all I felt were the raw emotions of the moment and not the true extent of them. After what felt like hours of sorting my emotions, it clicked like a brick sliding into place.

I was now, in fact, two people merged into one. I was Alva Miran, born on the planet Aknin in the year 46BBY. But I was equally Riley Emerson, born on earth in the year 1997 A.D. I had read many fanfictions back on Earth, most speculated that the one who was older would take the metaphorical steering wheel while only being influenced by the memories like an annoying passenger when they reincarnated. Or when they gained those memories, they would only be a convenient plot device to be accessed when convenient, like the information stored in an external drive.

Both of these were, however, distant from the reality. The human consciousness was a thing of the present. It was an entity shaped by its experiences and through them having come to conclusions in the way it would go about doing something.

It mattered not how old one was, as long as it had a firm set of beliefs and dreams then no other consciousness was weaker. There were exceptions to this, however, but I speculated that they didn't really apply to me.

Boy, am I glad I took that psychology module in Uni; this would be a pain otherwise. I could decide to focus on the various mental luggage I currently had, like the fact that I was essentially a 36-year-old man inside that of an 8-year-old girl, the most likely cataclysmic mommy issues, or the biggest of all, the fact that I'm now in the fictional universe of Star Wars, but that can all wait. I'll probably have to do a boatload of self-treatment to myself again.

Also, it seems I'm pretty good with mechanical stuff as well as the digital side of things. Riley's computer knowledge was melding with the rudimentary stuff about coding that Alva knew. Also, she's quite a good mechanic; I can build a plasma manifold with my bare hands, strip a condenser in a few seconds, and know how to test the quality of a power convert. Oh, and under no circumstances bypass a condenser. NEVER. I guess mom taught me a lot.

Okay, that hurt. My and my mother's relationship on earth was very, shall we say, "Complicated". Why though are the feelings I have for both affecting how I feel about the other. I shook my head and continued to think.

I loved this galaxy, the countless hours I had spent pouring over it and others like it had gotten me through the worst parts of my life. The pain, joy, regret, and love gave me hope that even in other universes there were people going through the same pain as me. However, this was different. I was now a new person, a mix of both Alva and Riley.

Riley, a person who had suffered blow after blow by a cruel and merciless world, long learning that harsh reality but still staying a good person.

And Alva, a young girl with what I can assume is a high capability with the force and especially empathic abilities. Wait, could I use the force like the Jedi? Did I want to become one?

Well, knowing what happens to them, definitely No. But then again if I really want, I could try to stop this. I was born in 46BBY, making it now sometime in 38-37BBY. The battle of Naboo happens in about six years in 32BBY. That's not much time if I really want to change things.

I was about to get out of the bed when I heard the door open. I looked over to see two people entering. Both of them seemed to be doctors, I think. As they walked towards me, it was as if I could feel their emotions. The older one seemed to have an air of confidence in his step along with some curiosity. The younger one had the same but with a slight tinge of fear.

"Young miss. It seems you are awake. Do you feel any pain at all?" said the kind elderly man. I just shook my head due to the mask. He just continued. "Good, you can understand me. I was just checking up on you. Make sure to never take that mask off." To which I just once again nodded. He checked a few things before walking out of the room.

Okay, so he wasn't speaking English but Galactic Common. I guess it makes sense that they aren't speaking English. I felt the correlations between English and Common slowly consolidate as I thought about it. After a few minutes of trying, I was now thinking in Basic. After a few tries, I could switch almost fluidly.

I just shrugged and realized I was basically bedridden until I was better. I decided that it would be best to try and meditate and increase my connection to the Force. While I didn't wish to become one with it or anything, I wanted to at least control my abilities. A flash of my mother's corpse turning to ash played in my mind.

I wiped away the tears and closed my eyes. During Uni, I had gotten into meditation quite a bit. I lay under the sheet and slowly focused on relaxing each part of my body from toes, slowly working up to my neck, then down my arms, and finally the neck and face.

I then focused on my breathing, a sharp deep breath in. Then a second sharper and smaller breath in using my diaphragm to cram a tiny bit more air in there. Hold for five seconds, then slowly release. I continued this for several minutes and it slowly began to feel like the weight on my mind had lifted only to be left with a calm tranquil lake which reflected a mirror image of a beautiful forest.

I reveled in this temporary peace. Most on earth viewed meditation as malarkey or pseudoscience. But for those who truly managed to enter this state, they would wish to stay here forever. It was almost addicting, really; everything seems so clear, yet eventually, one would either tire or lose focus and be dragged back into the real world.

I woke the next moment having fallen asleep while meditating. It was a nurse gently shaking my shoulder. Once she saw I was awake, she removed the mask, and with a hiss, wisps of blue smoke rose from the mask. I guess they take off the mask for feeding me then. It was a weird gloopy mess which I guess was extremely dense since after only a few bites I was full.

Once the mask was reapplied, I simply went back to meditating. I once again found myself in that lake, except this time I was meditating on its shores. Everything had long been engraved into my mind about this place. I had gone to Scotland in the UK for a time and found this place while hiking in the highlands. Surrounded by a vast forest, untouched by man for centuries. This place seemed to imprint on me the moment I saw it.

I still sat cross-legged, taking in the vivid smells, gentle breeze, and powerful aura. I focused. The feeling of life. Flowing through everything. It ebbed and flowed. Pulsed and rippled. It. It was breathtaking. As if everything was creating a symphony. I opened my eyes with a start as I let out a dry wheeze which sent waves of pain through my chest.

I cursed to myself. I had been on the verge of something…

I spent the next few weeks meditating, only interrupted by the meals, when the doctors checked on me or the changing of my bandages. Bacta really was amazing; when my bandages were taken off for the last time, there were no scars even though I knew I at least had third-degree burns from the first change. I stared in awe at the porcelain-colored skin of my arms with a shocked look on my face.

While meditating these few weeks, I had focused on thinking about my circumstances, coming to terms with my demons, connecting to what I think is the Force, and making plans for the future. Right now, the doctor was explaining to me about how I was being discharged.

"Alva, while we managed to fix the damage to your skin, by the time we had improvised a system to treat your lungs since they were so damaged, scarring had already formed. You should be able to breathe fine, but I would suggest keeping up with bacta treatment occasionally as well as going to another world. You have family on Silas, right?" the doctor finished his explanation, and I just nodded before saying. "Thanks. How much was the treatment?" I was worried about this since I had already checked how many credits were left in my mom's account and all I had were ten thousand credits. If it was any more, I would be unable to pay them.

He just shook his head and spoke. "I could not ask a girl who just lost her mother to pay for her medical treatment when it was caused by one of those scums. You should count yourself lucky that you survived the blast of that grenade."

I got up out of the bed and hugged the Mirilian doctor firmly while lightly crying, "Thank You." This wasn't fake either; I was genuinely grateful for this man. I knew bacta was expensive. After bidding him and the others farewell, one of the nurses took me to the spaceport and found me a ship to Silas, where I supposedly had family.

[Edited: 16/08/2023. Thanks, Akisu on ScribbleHub for pointing them out.]