Chapter 24 : Crying with a Very Heavy Heart

I think this girl is something that Sarawat has been searching for a long time. She studies well, she looks pleasant all the time, and is very caring. He fell in love with her for the first time and after that, he did not date anyone. No matter how it looks, there will be a breakup like other couples. In the end, all we can do is sit and regret that love did not happen the way we hoped for.

You will love everything at first because it all looks beautiful. As days go by, the problems will slowly arrive. We then try to conceal that to maintain the image on the first day. We began to emerge from many things. But if things won't work out... then we may have to end it.

I never believed in love anymore after breaking up with my first girlfriend. I became that someone who finds breaking up so easy just because I feel bored. I never really loved someone for the reason that I didn't want to be hurt just like in the past. As much as possible, I have to protect myself in every way that I can.

And this time, I don't want to regret it...

I can say that I'm not the old Tine who loves no one anymore. In contrast, I loved a person so much that I almost don't believe in myself. Just end this scene.

Yes! I don't want to be sad. I just want to have fun. There's nothing bad to think about. I don't have to worry about it so much. Sarawat is just sitting here and I am hugging him so tightly. I am acting like a foolish man right now.

"Tine... What made you think about that? Why are you asking me those questions?" The deep voice of Sarawat brought me away from the trance that floated far back to the present again.

I am wondering what answer I really want. All I know is that... I talked about his first love but I didn't specify clearly who it was. He doesn't even know that I am referring to Pam.

"I don't know."

"..."

"I must be really tired." To be honest, I don't want to know what Sarawat is thinking. Because if the answer is not what I want to hear, I will be hurt again. I will feel sorry for my heart.

"What are you thinking?" The owner of the thick hand said with his smooth voice while caressing my head. My heart wants to cry out loud so he will know and save me from my mind. But it's not chic so I won't do it. Hehe.

"Nothing..."

In the past, if someone had talked about something and was stunned until thoughtless, I would immediately think that he is talking nonsense. I don't want Sarawat to think like that to me.

"I never use you as my rebound. Where did that drama come from?" I don't want to tell the truth. I think I am just overthinking.

"Sarawat, I love you."

"Umm... I know."

"I love you very much."

"I know..." The arms that held me were so warm that it touched my heart. Both of us were physically tall and we are just hugging each other on the sofa. Today, I may just feel tired to think about that. "Sarawat, kiss me."

"Stop teasing me." He smiled and lowered his head. He gently pressed his lips against mine. Now, I don't want to think of anything other than opening my mouth to let his tongue in me.

I am afraid to lose myself because of thinking too much but my mind can only be soothed by myself. Therefore, I need to think that nothing bad is happening. Also, Sarawat already said that he didn't use me as a backup even if I didn't say the name of the third party at all.

"Sarawat..."

Our kiss continued passionately. It was full of love and I can feel it in my whole body. His thick hands stroked my back before digging into the shirt that I'm wearing. If he did that before we started dating, I might leave him right away.

But this time is completely different. Because I want Sarawat's love. I want to tell him not to leave me. I want him to choose me no matter what. I want him to own me so that my doubts will be gone.

My hand that hugged the tall body started to move up and down to his body. I don't want Sarawat to take the initiative. So today, I would like to be the first to tease him by gripping his school uniform to the point of wrinkling before detaching a bit to unbutton it.

Sarawat seemed to stop for a moment, clutched my wrists and said a sentence using his softest voice.

"Tine."

"..." I am still looking forward and continued unbuttoning his uniform.

"Tine, stop. We have classes tomorrow." I stayed still for a moment. After he released that sentence, all the emotions that swallowed me a few moments ago were all gone.

I've never lost face like this.

"Oh... Then, I'll take a shower first. Haha!" Anyone who knows me may know how fake that laugh is. I scratched my head walking shyly to go to the bathroom.

My hands were still shaking. Did Sarawat change because that girl returned to his life so everything is not the same? Why did she come back?

I want everything to be the same again. Back on the day where Sarawat started everything. I loved all of it.

"Tine" He called my name while I was standing on the bathroom door without towel or anything.

"Umm?"

"Are you going to take a shower?" I stooped down again. I completely forgot that I was about to take a shower.

"Erm."

Sarawat stood up and walked straight to me. He placed his rough hand on my shoulder.

"Tell me..."

"Nothing. We have classes tomorrow, right? I'll take a shower now."

"You want to shower together?"

"No." My mind is completely messing my heart now. I want to cry but I don't want to cry. I fucking hate this feeling. I don't know how to vent.

I slowly dragged my feet on the bed while coughing. Sarawat walked to the bathroom to take a shower.

In our lives, there must be days when we feel bad about something uncontrollable and it pushes us do stupid things. At the end of the day, it is still us who will suffer from the consequences.

It is already midnight...

The room is completely dark but I couldn't sleep at all even with Sarawat's presence. I always feel warm everytime we hug each other but my heart seems strange today because it is colder than before.

Sarawat is always lustful when it comes to me. No matter what he does, I will be a little upset but still allow him to do what he wants. Totally different from today. I couldn't help myself to think.

It is already one thirty. I flipped back and forth on the bed many times. I really hate moments like this. Will I be happy in the end or not? This is really uncomfortable. To solve my problem, I grabbed my earphones and plugged it to my mobile phone. I listened to music so I can go to sleep. At least somehow, I can feel that someone is comforting me.

"In my memory, yesterday, when we left That word is still stuck in my mind.

Staring through the day and night

Thinking of the words that you used to get my heart. Singing through the songs that we listen to that day Still makes our loneliness fade away

Forget about the past

Because I will just run away."

Wow! A sad song. I randomly chose a song and it played a damn sad song. I do not know if heaven is teasing me right now. But I just let it play because it is from my favorite band. Also, my hand is weak so I just lie down and listen to music silently.

"I just want to escape

Because I don't want to hear the truth. It will cause my heart to lose

Now, just close your eyes and just run away."

I hate myself when I cry. What should I do if one day, Sarawat chooses his first love instead of me? Do I need to be the same person as before? I don't want to live a life like that anymore. I do not want to love someone and then quit. I don't want to start a new relationship.

But if one day we will break up, I hope he will remember everything about us. Damn! I am going this far.

At three o'clock, my stomach began to feel bad. Then I remembered Peuk organized our meal in four different restaurants. Since I can't sleep and nowhere to vent, I slowly take myself out of bed then proceed to the bathroom. I quietly stood in the hand washing area for a long time.

When I got back, I saw that the tall man was already waiting. The light from the head of the bed was illuminated enough for me to see the other person's face clearly.

"What's wrong?" He asked me in a smooth voice, as always.

"I don't know. I want to puke but I can't."

"You want antacids?"

"..." I shook my head before crawling into the bed.

Sarawat pulled me to move closer. He then hugged me like he was comforting me to relieve my uncomfortable feeling. Since I can't sleep tonight, I choose to break the silence by talking.

"I can't sleep." I initiated the conversation.

"Because you are only listening to music."

"How did you know? Normally, I listen to music when I can't sleep."

"What about now?"

"Are you..." He quickly cut me off.

"Don't eat and fall asleep. You might forget to wake up."

"I'm not scared."

"Don't eat. Your tooth will decay."

"I am not a kindergarten child."

"But your personality is like a little boy." Our conversation ended when I held his neck firmly. When I am stressed, even the smallest thing makes me annoyed.

This is also the reason why I can't ask anymore questions. Because I am afraid that if he will choose her, I can't stand myself. I am afraid that nobody can understand my personality. I am scared that nobody will accept the real me.

It is better not to know some things in the world because it will be hard for us to comfort ourselves.

I admit that I couldn't sleep until morning. Regardless of what I do, it won't do well. Therefore, I have to suffer for the entire day.

"Why are your eyes swollen like that?" Sarawat asked me after walking out of the bathroom.

"Didn't sleep."

"Are you sick?" He quickly asked me while touching my forehead.

"..."

"Your body is not hot."

"I might have drank too much coffee yesterday that's why." "Can you go to school?"

"I'll go take a shower now." I quickly got out of bed, grabbed a towel and walked into the bathroom quickly.

The indigestion that had been felt since last night had not recovered yet. Is this because of insomnia? My world swung back and forth like a ship.

"Tine, are you going to eat here or outside?" The deep voice of Sarawat in front of the bathroom door shouted.

"Your decision."

"Let's eat outside."

"Umm."

Actually, I don't want to eat anything. But it became a routine for us to eat together in the morning everyday so I can't refuse.

I changed clothes, got my backpack, then went out the room with Sarawat. After officially moving in together, I rarely use my car. Except when we have different agendas or where Sarawat is being busy lately.

When we arrived at the restaurant near the university, Sarawat managed to write his orders before looking up to ask me.

"What do you want to eat?"

"Porridge with pork." So it can be digested easily.

"Tine, are you okay?"

"Yes. Why?" I know he already sensed that I am not okay. So I pretended to send a smile to disturb his mind.

"Your face is very pale."

"Maybe because I didn't sleep last night?"

"You want to go back to sleep?"

"Sarawat, don't think too much. Hurry and order our food so we can go to school." His sharp face nodded.

We started eating right after our orders were served. But I think that my body won't accept all kinds of food today. I feel like I am about to throw up so I did not eat anymore, leaving my half bowl of porridge.

"Already full?" The person in front of me asked. His voice is a little tense so I couldn't help but worry.

"Umm."

"Did you buy that to eat or to smell?"

"How did you know that I bought this just for smelling?"

"Stupid!" Damn... He cursed me again.

"It is still early in the morning. I am not hungry. Hurry and finish your food."

And just like that, our morning started with arguing again. Today, Sarawat needs to rehearse for a music festival so he ate a lot.

During the morning period, Sarawat and I proceeded in our own classes. As for the same subject that we are taking, it happens every other day. At noon, I looked for an opportunity to call him but he was too busy. No matter how many times I called, there is still no answer.

From being comfortable at first to being anxious now. Out of desperation, I called Man. He said that Sarawat is not with the White Lion gang and went out of their classroom during the third session and did not return since then. They also ate as a group without Sarawat's shadow.

"You! I have something to ask."

"Say it." The sound of chewing his food is louder than his answer.

"Didn't you get sick or had the feeling like you wanted to vomit all the time?"

"No, why?"

"We went to four restaurants yesterday."

"Until now?"

"Umm."

"Just sit comfortably then."

"I want to throw up. I don't want to take shit."

"Tine, are you sick? Your face is pale. Did you go and see a doctor?" With that being said, I tried to raise my hand and touch my face to check if I'm hot or not. "I did not get enough sleep last night. But never mind. I will drink antacids later. It might probably disappear."

"I will buy it for you." Ohm volunteered. But I think his only intention is to walk towards those cute girls nearby.

Now, there are three people left.

"I... want to ask you a bit." I found out that keeping something hidden all by myself and not letting it go was really annoying. And when I realized that continuing to act like this would cause my mind to burst and die. Therefore, I need advice from my close friends.

My friends helped me and Sarawat fall in love so they should be there to give me advice when things go wrong.

"Say it now. Or is that Blue Hawaii not good? Then let me drink that." This bastard! When I am nervous, they just keep playing over and over.

But I don't have the courage to say what I'm facing but just...

"My old friend in Bangkok. He called for my advice because he is having a problem with his lover."

"Uhuh. And then what?" They said while eating as usual. Actually, my friends are good listeners and always give me useful advice. However, I am not sure how good they will give me this time.

"He suspects that his lover is dating another girl so he is afraid that he will eventually choose the other girl over him."

"Does the name of his lover change his heart?"

"Well... I went out there to see the girl several times but I didn't say it to him. She posts pictures of them together, smiles with each other even though his lover is not the type who laughs so easily. My friend caught him so he asked me what I should do if I were him."

"Ask your friend's lover. Why does he have to overthink that much? Just ask him immediately." Peuk answered in a dry voice as if confident with his answer. If it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.

"My friend doesn't care. I don't want him to ask many questions because the answers might just be some bullshit. Also, it might cause them to break up if he asks his lover."

"Tine, is that really your friend's problem?"

"Umm... It's..."

"..."

"Bastard! It really is his story. Haha!" Peuk and Fong turned to look at each other before speaking out. Peuk's rough hand patted me on the shoulder twice before looking solemnly.

"So, please send these words to your friend: There are things that won't be clarified if you won't ask. If he won't clarify it, it will be a burden for him and he will suffer for sure. Besides, what if that person really loves your friend?"

"..."

"But if that person doesn't love him and chooses the girl, then just accept the truth."

"What if he can't accept it? What if he is already so attached to him and he doesn't want to lose him. What should he do?"

"Leave and be happy for them. Why should you deceive yourself just to win? Just return to being single and accept the truth at all costs. It is better than suffering because he doesn't love you anymore."

"..."

I sat still. The only way out for me is to ask him, but my heart is not strong enough to accept that much. I love Sarawat. We used to belong together. I have given him everything I have.

"Tine, don't think too much." Fong patted my shoulder again. He clapped so hard that my shoulder almost broke.

"I don't think too much. "

"Umm. So tell your friend not to think too much. Whatever he is going to do, remind him the time he tried his best to pursue him. I think his lover loves him so much, he can't change his heart just like that."

"What if that girl is the first love of his lover? Like that time you guys told me."

"First love? Then let it be. As long as he loves you right now. Even if there are a dozen more people, if he really loves you, then it will always be you."

"My friend."

"Yes yes. Your friend. Sorry." Fortunately, I caught up. Do not want to tell them that my life is stuck. Shame on them for having not been in love for a long time.

"Tine, antacids." Not long before the conversation ended, Ohm returned to the table with antacids. Just now, I saw him standing at a bar, but disappeared for a long time and then returned to sweat profusely. Probably going to flirt with the girl through the opposite building, right?

"It's been a long time. If I'm sick, I won't wait for you that long because I'll be dead by the time you'll arrive." I mocked him. Ohm didn't get upset about my words, he just sat down on the chair and flipped his student's shirt to relieve the heat.

"What the hell do you want me to do? I just followed your husband."

"..."

"That Sarawat. I saw him with a lovely girl so I want to know which department she is in. I've never seen her in this university before."

"Ohm, university is so wide. You won't meet everyone here for sure." Peuk immediately interrupted. I don't know. Perhaps Fong and Peuk knew that the problem we were talking about earlier was mine. And now I am even more stressed than before.

He is not answering his phone. He also did not say where he's going. Tell me, what should I do?

"Well, I think I saw her somewhere. I just can't remember where."

"Probably that is his 'old friend'." I whispered to myself but I am sure everyone in the group heard it all.

"Ah! At that cafe yesterday! I didn't see her clearly. Sorry. I almost thought she was Sarawat's new wife. Haha!"

Ohm's words once again made me even more afraid. Since last night when I couldn't sleep I was scared of so many things. Now that fear began to spread so widely that there was no reason to argue. If he answered his phone, I might have been more secure than this.

"There he is!" One of my friends whispered before pointing his finger to the tall figure of a person who was going to the cafeteria from afar.

Sarawat always stands out despite the number of people. But this time he did not come with the girl that Ohm mentioned. He went alone. He then went straight to our table.

"I call you many times but you are not answering." This is the first sentence I say to him. And it responded almost immediately.

"Sorry. A bit busy."

"About?"

"My old friend from Bangkok is here now." I knew it right away. And if I guessed it, her name is Pam. I felt a strange feeling of disappointment in my heart.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Want to invite you to eat together."

"I already ate." Even if I swallowed my food, it won't digest because my stomach won't accept it.

Sarawat looked over at my plate of rice and then looked at my face before quietly crouching to sit beside me.

I want to cry... I've never been a crybaby even to my biological father.

"Why do you eat less lately, little buffalo?" I hate him when he calls me that in front of my friends.

"I'm not very hungry. Sit down and eat together."

"I will go buy rice. Sit here and wait." That answer quickly made me feel better. At least just having him here is enough. And it seems that my friends are also relieved. The fun is back again when the White Lions join the crowd. The only problem is that Man keeps on asking for my brother's phone number. Look stupid Man, I am already stressed out. Don't add some more fuels.

P'Type did not return to Bangkok because Man is chasing him. The reason he went back to my hometown is because he has to do his internship for three months.

Apparently, he applied for two different companies, one in Bangkok and the other in Chiang Mai.

Let us all pray silently that the company in Bangkok will accept him. In that case, it will not be easy for me to meet him. Then it also means that my brother will escape a dark force named Man.

"In the afternoon, I'll take my old friend from Bangkok for a walk around the school."

I was speechless for a moment. I deliberately thought that there was nothing already, but it all turned around to be the same.

"The same girl friends from yesterday?"

"Umm. Do you want to join?"

"I have classes, you know that. Are you going to practice music later in the evening?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll wait at the training room. Want something to eat?"

"Whatever you want to buy." I don't want to control Sarawat. Wherever he goes is his business. I don't want to strangle him. I want him to enjoy his life privately.

Besides, it is not necessary for me to know everything. I mean, am I right?

If it were other people, maybe they would think that way. But he is meeting his first love. What should I do?

Sometimes, holding back your emotions is the best way to solve a problem. So I just nodded and let him do what he wanted.

I was not in the mood to study. The reason comes from the restlessness last night thinking about Sarawat's story. Or maybe, this is because of the food we ate yesterday.

Now everything is attacking me at once. It made me almost collapse on the lecture table but I still tried to endure until I couldn't stand it. I have to run in the toilet to vomit. What a pathetic form.

No one knows how bad I feel right now. I don't want to worry anyone. Ohm asked, I just replied that it was okay with a forced smile. Besides, I already took medicine.

Five in the afternoon is the free time of the Law students. My three buddies intend to take me to relieve stress in a cafe. But because I had to be with Ctrl S to watch them practice music, I refused.

Before I went to the training room, I didn't forget to buy snacks, fruit and canned milk for the members including Sarawat. I don't know if I was dismissed early today or the rest of the group haven't appeared yet. So I waited silently until his band members appeared.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were so relaxed that only your phone is with you?

I haven't picked it up since I couldn't reach Sarawat at noon for fear of getting hurt. But on the other hand, I also want to know what the other party is doing. I mean the girl named Pam.

My gingers glide naturally on the phone screen. After clicking on the Instagram application, I clicked on her profile. Yes! I checked her profile more than my own. And just like that, I was disappointed again.

Pam_pitcha

Remember Scrubb. :)

A picture of Sarawat and Pam, both smiling at the camera but not tagging each other's name.

That made me think again. Phukong once told me that Sarawat's laptop is full of Scrubb's music. Is it because of me or Pam?

I think it was all because of her all this time, but I never knew.

"Ugh...!" I had to restrain some emotions that had just come up. Decided to close the phone screen and sat still in the gym.

The stress that had accumulated all day began to flare up. I quickly picked up the bottle of water and brought it to my mouth to drink so I can alleviate the feeling of being funny but in vain. It immediately made me rush into the toilet of the building.

*pukes*

Damn. Dirty all over the bowl.

So I have to throw water from the wash hose to clean. But before I could do anything, I threw up a few more times to the point that my body was exhausted. Tears flowed continuously. A lot of emotions came one after another and I just wanted to lie in the toilet. I felt so weak. I've never felt this weak.

I returned to the gym with some strength left. Lie on the floor and take a nap, waiting for the group's friends to come. At that time, maybe I'll ask permission to go to the rest room or something.

I don't know how much time has passed but I feel very miserable and long. No one opened the door to enter. The watch says it is still six in the evening. That's right!

We actually meet at six each day. I just remembered after a lot of memories seemed to disappear from my head.

Creak!

It was not until the sound of the doorknob rotated and someone appeared.

"What? It's good to hear that? Wait, where's everyone? They didn't practice today?" I put my hands on the floor and sat up with my umbrella in an extremely miserable position. There is a person who just arrived. But instead of the members of Ctrl S, the person in front is...

"P'Mil?"

"Tine, what are you doing here? And where are your friends?"

"They haven't arrived yet. If you come to have a fight then please leave."

"Tine..."

"..."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I don't. Ugh! No...." And I vomit again.

"Damn! What's wrong? Fu, Bank, come and help me!" P'Mil's scream sounded after I vomited on the floor of the room.

His soft hand in front of me lifted my arm and supported me to stand up even though the whole world was spinning right before my eyes. Two of his friends ran to the side. One person pulled my hand, one pulled my leg. But it looked difficult, so P'Mil fell to his knees.

"Get on my back. Hold it a little."

"Oh, wait a minute. You okay, brother? Do you want to tattoo your hand with blood? Then maybe you'll get better."

"Is it time to joke, monkey?" You guys never joke. You guys are always serious. I remember the fist that broke my face was one of those guys, but I don't remember who it was.

We fought before but today, they took me to the hospital. It was so touching that I was moved to tears.

"I want to puke." I kept whispering to P'Mil. Tears also automatically flowed no matter how hard I tried to raise my hand. But the strength was gone.

"If you want to puke, just puke. Just don't puke on my head." More stressful than before. Are you saying that I can puke on the back of your neck? Crazy.

The sound of the elevator door burst open. I was laid on the back of the senior in Architecture, then he ran out of the building. His friends in the group also run after us. He was holding a guitar and a bass-like prop.

"Tine, just hold on. Okay?" P'Mil whispered to me.

"Go get him a bag. He's going to die soon." One person in that group rushed to P'Mil, holding plastic bags with handles on both sides. I just turned my head and met his eyes. And then I vomited before he placed the plastic bag on my mouth.

"Right ear one side, left ear one side. Alright, go ahead!"

What a disgusting look. His face is almost buried with my vomit. I don't want comedy, guys! This is currently a drama. Don't be silly.

It seems that the people around are surprised, but I don't have the strength to care about anyone else. I am miserable right now because I looked like a mess. All I heard from the person carrying me is 'not in my head'.

"Hey! That's Tine!"

"..."

"Tine!"

I didn't know who was calling me, but one of the sounds I recognized was Sarawat's low voice. And as soon as I raised my face, I saw the tall person standing an arm's length away.

"Move aside, Sarawat. I'll take him to the doctor." P'Mil interrupted. In addition, the voice was so serious it was frightening.

"I will take care of Tine. Let me take him by myself."

"Stay away!"

"..." But Sarawat did not budge. He held one of my arms and was ready to pull me out of P'Mil anytime.

"Then where were you earlier? Where were you when he needed you the most? When he was about to die in the practice room, why didn't you care?"

"..."

"He is your wife, but you are not taking good care of him. How could you do that?"

"P'... let my friend take care of him. Please."

The atmosphere was so tense that it almost exploded. Earn went to mediate before everything became more serious. P'Mil agreed to drop me then Sarawat picked me up in his arms and was about to head straight to the parking lot less than one hundred meters away.

But before he could reach that point, he was pulled back by the senior in Architecture. The speaker's voice is so light that it is almost a whisper, but it brings a heavy feeling to the listener.

"I am not fighting you because of Tine. The matter between us can wait until the music event. But today, I want you to know that even though I have problems with other people just like you, I never mistreat the person I love."

"..."

"And I will tell you this once again, take care of Tine. I did not dare to steal him away from you because I know that he likes you. But if I see him hurt again, I will hit you. Remember that."

~

I was taken to the emergency room because of constant vomiting. On the way to the hospital, Sarawat's car is full of my vomit. I feel bad for the person in the backseat but I don't have time to go back and apologize to people.

I looked like a full mess right now. Anyone who has ever seen me as a university cheerleader must now think that I don't belong there. Losing all that image that I built up throughout the year... My heart. My heart. My heart.

Doctors and nurses gathered around the bed, measuring blood pressure while asking for symptoms that made me dizzy so I accidentally vomited again into the bag. The nurse then punished me by pricking the blood with revenge. Inject fingers, biceps, arms. Put it all in until my body is full of holes. I want to cry again but it will just make me look more foolish.

In addition, the needle was inserted into the back of my hand. The doctor told me that I was given an anti-emetic medicine, but I still didn't feel better. Lying there for nearly two hours, the doctor came over and told him there was bacteria in my bloodstream. Probably born from the food I ate, plus the stress that made things worse.

Why me? Why is it only me? All of my friends ate the same food!

The doctor called Sarawat to instruct him before receiving the medicine. This is when the wicked nurse walked to my bed before picking up a pricked hand.

"Now i will take out the needle. It may hurt a bit."

"Huuu..." I screamed first. Sarawat kept my head to look at him.

It hurts so much. I will not eat or drink with Peuk anymore. Because in the end, I am just the only one who will suffer.

With everything settled, the male nurse pushed the bed out of the room. Next to him is Sarawat..

"Need some help? Has the condition gotten better?" A voice interrupted as I climbed down from the bed. For a split second, I wished that voice did not come from that person... But I was wrong.

The girl named Pam and her friends are waiting there. Meaning, during the two hours of waiting for me in the emergency room, Sarawat had a companion.

It is so painful but I can't do anything. I just let the other person help and then walk in silence.

"Let me get your medicine. Sit here and wait."

"Umm." I only nodded. He didn't want to say anything else. The important thing is that Pam still keeps on following him.

In less than ten minutes, Sarawat and Pam returned with a big bag of medicine. I just waited for him to talk.

"Let's go home. Take this and I'll go out to buy you food. By the way, ask your friend to drive you home."

"Why must they take me back? Can't we go together?"

"You're not feeling well. Staying in the car for a long time is not good." Are you worried for me? Or for her?

But because I understood it, I picked up my phone and called one of the male leads to pick me up. At least I am not uncomfortable sitting in the same car with Pam.

"I want to talk to you for a moment." I dodged and didn't say it outright but just walked away. The reason is probably because I did not want to let his friends hear my inner frustration about Sarawat.

"Why do you want to talk to me?" He asked me and walked up to me before asking in a flat voice.

"To end this bullshit so you can leave me alone. So you don't have to waste your time taking me back to the room."

"Hey, I did not say that. It will just take time to get your food."

"You didn't say it, but I felt that way! Why did you take me to the hospital, huh? Why didn't you let P'Mil take me here so I won't bother you and your date? At least he will drive me home for sure!"

"Tine..." The person in front just whispered my name with his gentle eyes that made me want to burst into tears.

"You never... You never worried about me. Ugh! You stopped loving me, right? No, you did not love me from the start. Right?!"

Every word I said made my heart hurt so much. My mind is completely empty at this time. All I have right now is pain, anger, and self-pity. Everything inside of me bursted up. I can't control myself anymore.

I just want him to give me time to speak out... what I want to say before I get exhausted.

"Then what are you going to do? What the hell are you doing to me?" I hugged my chest tightly and patted to stop the sob. The tears that I am trying to control earlier suddenly flowed.

"..."

"Did you date me because we have a lot of similarities? Have you ever thought of how painful I will feel if I find out? You turned me into a better person... You...

You fucking turned me into a person who finally believes in love. But now, you end up leaving me. For what?"

"Tine, calm down." Sarawat tried to pull me closer to him, but I refused, repeatedly pushing him away and whispering in tears.

"That person was your first love... Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tine, it doesn't matter now. You need to listen to me."

"It doesn't matter or you just want to hide it? How many times have you sneaked out to meet that person? I pretended to be ignorant for a while. I know everything but I can't say it. You have no idea how much it kills me every time I thought about you two eating and doing stuff together."

"..."

"My friend also told me to ask you directly and face the truth. The reason I didn't want to ask was because... because I was afraid of losing you. But I can't stand it anymore."

"Tine, calm down. Calm down." Sarawat grabbed my head that was looking down to face him.

If there is an end, then let it be this day. I don't know if I can handle this anymore. I will be fine, eventually, just like my friends told me.

"That person is Pam. I saw her on Instagram. I surfed that person's timeline throughout the years when you showed up. She was your first love. She liked Scrubb. Listen to the same group as you. She is good at playing musical instruments. She is lovely. She is your ideal person."

My voice is shaking. My eyes were so blurred, so I could only raise the back of my hand to wipe away the tears.

"Yesterday I saw you and that person in a cafe. You smiled and laughed so happily. Sarawat, you are not that type of guy! When I asked you about your first love, you always avoided it. When I tried...tried to do it with you, you refused. Sarawat, tell me. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough?"

"..."

"I thought about this all night long. Sarawat, do you still love her? Because if you do, I don't have a choice but to let you go."

I took a deep breath, suppressed my sobs and looked into his eyes. "Sarawat, I am now ready for your answer..."

SARAWAT'S POV

I am speechless.

I have to say that I was truly speechless with the sentences he just said from his own mouth. What should I say? It is both pitiful and cute. His hand still has a cotton ball stuck on it while he is wiping away his tears.

He really is a little buffalo with a small brain.

Yesterday, Tine asked me about my first love. I don't want to answer him because I thought that it just came from nowhere. Now, I want to step forward and hug or soothe him to stop crying but because this annoying guy keeps on pushing me away and waving his hand, I can't do anything. I don't want him to cry anymore because he is sick right now.

"So, are you ready to listen now?" I spoke in a monotone voice then looked back, avoiding to stare at him causing Tine eyes that were looking at me to tremble.

Probably, he is afraid of breaking up. But I only want to tease him. I am so sorry for him because I think that I have twisted his mind and broke his heart.

"Then... Are you going to say goodbye to me? Are you going to leave me alone? So... what about the room? Do I have to move out? The closet in the room is really big. Without your stuff, it would be empty. The bed is too wide as well. Will you really break up with me?"

A long burst of breath was emitted from my mouth. Tine looked up at me like a whiny kid, knowing he was about to be hit when he tried to use poor excuses so he wouldn't be punished. This time is no different. "Did you say you want to break up?"

"..."

"Come here, I'll wipe your tears."

"Stop touching me!"

His mood is really terrible! Damn! And it looks like he wanted to start a fight today. "Okay, just hold on. Let me make a call. Don't say anything."

He obediently stood there and wiped his tears, then made a manly gesture that he liked to do. I turned to call Theme to pick up my friends here because I can't drive them to their hotel anymore. I still have to clarify things with my wife today. "Who did you call?" Tine asked curiously after I hung up.

"Theme."

"Let him help you move your stuff, right?"

"Nonsense, little buffalo. I called him to take my friends back. And you, you come back with me to the room."

After that, I pulled the crybaby's wrist then stopped by to talk to Pam and her friends for a bit and then left. All in less than two minutes.

Tine sat on the side of the driver's seat, his face turned to the mirror without speaking. The puffy eyes did not make me guilty. Not only that, his hand was injected by a doctor leaving a hole. He is in a really cute state right now. "Don't you even want to talk to me?"

Strange. With others, I can count the number of words I can say when I am talking. Totally different from Tine, who I wanted to talk to much. I just want to tease him until he cries, making him relentlessly sulky.

"Want to say something? Listen to music?"

"My eyes are already swollen and you still want me to listen to music?" He frowned slightly. I was wondering why he answered like that. I guess, someone might have secretly cried while listening to sad music.

"I want to stop by to buy porridge. Can you wait in the car?" Tine nodded before turning around as if he was troubled. So I had to buy it quickly and bring it back, fear the atmosphere would be more uncomfortable.

Upon arrival at the room, I took the medicine, grabbed a glass of water to drink, then poured the porridge into a bowl. He was vomiting continuously earlier which made my car smell bad all over. It must take another time to wash it.

"Want to puke again?" I asked him. Tine shook his head again.

"The doctor said it will be fine if you vomit as long as you eat."

"So I should eat my vomit?"

"Are you questioning the things that the doctor said? You vomit then eat food, not asking you to eat your vomit."

There is a division between idiot and stupid, but I think for Tine is both.

"Is that so?" A while ago, he was crying and crying like he was about to die. But look at him now. It looks like he will start a war.

"Need some?"

"There is no need."

"Doctors give minerals and antibiotics, too. You have to eat a lot so you can drink it." What I said seemed like he didn't even listen. Look at that puffy dead eyes.

Tine sat and ate his porridge slowly but he was not eating much. After eating about 30% of the food, he dropped the spoon. And went lying comfortably on the bed. "Are you full? Two more spoons." I begged but he refused.

"Give me the medicine."

"Why are you still upset? What bothers you? Tell me."

"..." Quiet again. So I had to take medicine from the bag and give it to the other person to drink after the meal. Tine obediently accepted and then leaned back on the pillow without saying anything.

I removed the Japanese-style desk that was obstructing us, then grabbed his white hand, stroking it so he will draw his attention to me.

"I'll make everything clear today. If you have any questions, ask me." Ever since we started dating, I've never argued with him this much. Our life is peaceful, or should we say that we are extremely happy.

Being caring and considering is one of the traits we have. So I never thought that a day like this will come. When we have a problem, we normally discuss or talk about it frankly. But I forgot that there are things we choose to keep for ourselves, that we don't want to say.

And both of us have it...

"What should I ask you?" He refused to look straight at my eyes.

"Whatever you want to ask. If there's anything in your heart, I'll answer it all." "Are you going to break up with me?"

"No. Never. Farewell is too much, my little buffalo. I have spent so much sweat and effort just to have you and I don't want to throw that away. Not to mention that if I left you, I will be beaten by Man and P'Type."

"That girl, Pam. She was your first love, am I right?"

"Yes. But we never dated."

"Then you want to date her?"

"That's not what I said."

"Without me, will you date her?"

"No. I just like her. I don't want to date her. I hope you still remember the conversation we had in the past. I studied politics because I want to study and learn about politics. Just like you, I want to know and learn more about you. She was my first love but that doesn't mean that she is the best person for me. I don't even know what made you jealous like this."

"You see Pam often, I saw some pictures. At the end of last semester you met her but you never told me."

"Because that is not important at all. Pam is just like an ordinary friend. At the end of the term I went to meet a lot of friends. You are the most important person for me."

"You saved her number."

"I have all the numbers of my high school friends who are close to me even if they just change their numbers."

"You answered her in Instagram chat."

"Because she chatted to say hi to me on Instagram. But I do not always answer her. If you try to check it carefully, Pam chatted me maybe ten times but I only have a single 'umm' as a reply. Not like when I often send messages to an annoying guy like you. I have to practice typing on this little keyboard which is not suitable for my fingers just to know you more. Tine, I love you so much that I want to have something in common with you."

"Yesterday, you went to meet her and you looked very happy."

"I invited you to go together but you don't want to. You said you have another business with your friends. So, what should I do then?" It seems like Tine is speechless for a while.

"I told her about us. I told her the struggles I have passed and how hard I tried just to win your heart. The story is half-hearted when I fall into misery due to being ignored by you. Remember when you planned to flirt with Prae?"

"But when I kissed you..."

"What? Are you going to rape me?"

"Bastard!"

"I didn't want to do it because you had to go to school the next day. It took a lot of days before you recovered from the last time and I felt guilty. If it's our day off, prepare yourself."

"What is your heart made of?"

"So you asked me what my heart was made of last night? My dick stood upright and I had to control my emotions. I want to roll out and groan under your body until I die. I wanted to lick your white body just like the last time. The truth is, I want it so bad but I did not do anything because you have to attend your classes the next day." "I just don't want to lose you." This time he responded with a pouty voice.

"So you think I want to lose you? When I saw P'Mil carrying you, I almost rushed to punch him in the face."

"He helped me."

"Don't mention his name again."

"You didn't answer the phone in the afternoon."

"I talked with Parm. She wants to hang out around the school area."

"So I just thought a lot? How can I not think so much? Pam is like me in everything. We have so many similarities which made me think that I am just her copy. You did not succeed with your first love that's why you chose me."

Copy? I have never thought that even once. But when I saw Tine's worried expression, I picked up the phone and called Pam immediately. Wait for a long time, then the other end picks up the phone. I turned on the speaker mode to let the person next to me hear our conversation.

"Pam, my lover wants to know something. Can you help me answer a bit?"

[Sure.] The other end of the line just says that. The surroundings were quiet as if

Parm was in the room alone and was taking her time right now to talk on the phone with me and Tine.

"Which particular group does Pam like?"

[Scrubb...]

"..."

[Napoleon, Stoondio, Blue Shade. Also, M83 and Radiohead.]

"And you only like the Scrubb." I turned to tell the person sitting silently listening to the phone conversation without showing any idea. Seeing that Tine didn't seem to be opening his mouth, I asked Pam to continue.

"What is Pam's favorite drink?"

[Americano.]

"Tine likes to drink Blue Hawaii. So Pam likes to play guitar?"

[I like it. Favorite musical instrument.]

"Tine didn't like it but he was forced to play. Until now, he still played the wrong C chord." I heard laughter coming from the other end before staring at the person grimacing on the bed.

"If you meet the artist you like in front of you, would Pam ask to take photos with them?"

[I must take photos.]

"Tine didn't take photos because he said just standing by and looking is enough. If Pam meets the artist who just met yesterday, will Pam take a picture with them?"

[If I already had pictures of them yesterday, then no.]

"And Tine will go to ask for a photo because he feels sorry that he didn't do it the first time."

"Sarawat, why are you being such a jerk?" The person in question shouted. So I put my phone down on the bed and turned to speak directly to him

"You know that you and her are not the same. She is attentive and you are crazy."

"Damn you!"

"She doesn't know what to say and you speak like a machine gun."

"Who said my mouth was like that?"

"She was comfortable to talk to, but I am happy to be with you."

"..."

"She doesn't drink alcohol, but I can go and drink everywhere with you."

"..."

"She is very careful when it comes to being in danger, but you, you even burn the forest back."

"Huh? It doesn't make sense. What do you mean Saraleo?"

"And no matter what similarities we have, the truth is that it doesn't interest me at all. I don't want the things we have in common because what I want is to learn many things that I don't know about other people."

"Whatever."

"I don't want to play the guitar with a good guitar player, but I want to teach guitar to a dumb person like you."

"Wonderful!"

"I don't want to drink bitter Americano everyday because life needs sugar. And I know someone that tastes so sweet.

"Wow! I'm touched again."

"My world is no longer about music and football. Because seeing you cheer for me, you made my world wonderful."

"So touching."

"Go over there and get rid of your dirty mind." Tine pouted while answering me sarcastically. I want to bite him so hard.

"Why are you saying that now? You made me sleepless for an entire night." He said while holding me tightly. Normally, he smells good, but today I must say that he smells like vomiting.

"You never told me."

"Give me back my tears."

"Probably flooded out in the hospital."

"It's all because of you."

"Do you know another fact that Pam is not like you?"

"She's cute, I'm not."

"That's not it. One day she might be someone else's. And you..."

"..."

"You are mine."

"..."

"Maybe I have a hobby like her, but one thing is for sure... I don't like her as much as I like you."

"..."

"And it's always you. Just you."

"..."

[Yeesssssss!]

"What's that sound?"

[You two have made up already?]

"Didn't you hang up the phone?" Tine asked in a tense voice.

"I thought Pam hung up."

[Gosh just bury me right now because I want to die.]

Damn! I forgot that Pam is still on the other line. Good thing, I did not let my lustful mind take over this time. So I asked her a question right away.

"Pam! I thought you were with the White Lion gang?"

[They are all here eavesdropping for a long time, too.]

"Fuck!"

[Do not change the story, Wat! Friends, listen. Our friend will be satisfied tonight.]