Chapter 25: Graveyard Shift
Roses are red violets are blue, I love death how about you? I love the sound of a snapping bone, I came up with this Rhyme on my own! Don't sit there and wonder"Why?", just sit back and enjoy the next chapter of 1000 Ways To Dieeeeee.
Date: October 28, 2020
Location: Bob's Grocery Store, Miami, FL
the year is 1987 and Mary is one of those kids in school that always asks for your lunch, eats more than 4 plates at lunch, and always gets what she wants...and if she dont...she will throw a fit!!! Now let us fast forward about 24 years.
the year is now 2020 and Mary is 33. She is still a big FAT baby and will always make a scene wherever she goes. Right now she is screaming at a 18 year old cashier because she can't get her chocolate coated donuts. She decided the only rational thing to do was head to the vending machine over by the wall and start shaking it to knock it over. But she rocks it to hard and it came falling down on her and crushes her. The human body can only withstand about 570 Lbs and the Vending machine weighed 900 lbs. So the vending machine crushed her chest causing her bones to break and stab into her causing major perforation also causing major bleeding.
Way To Die #3: Ven-dead
Date: June 27th, 2018
Location: Mandaree, ND
It's a Mandaree Powwow and people are having a good time. ALMOST everyone is having a good time. Meet Ralph, he is a rich spoiled white boy who thought he should go onto native land and attempt ruin it. What do we mean by this? Why, we mean he is going to ruin the Powwow for everyone. His plan is to wait for the grand entry dance and pull the light plug. Simple plane all he has to do is wait for 9:00 am and BOOM lights out.
3 hours later...
It might be raining but the time is now, he runs to the main electrical panel and starts to pull the plug but then...Ralph gets a big Old bitch zap and gets sent flying right into some trash bins. He is dead, but not from the initial zap. When he was sent flying into the trash, a sharp peice of wood stabbed into his chest and exploded his heart. No one notices and everyone keeps having fun while Ralph lays there, DEAD.
Way To Die #877: Bitch Zapped
Date: May 15, 2006
Location: Austin, TX
Dave is an overweight slacker who dreams of becoming a professional bodybuilder, but has little motivation to work out and lose weight. Dave decides to get liposuction as a shortcut to exercise, but was unable to afford it. So, he decided to recruit his equally moronic friend Johnny, to perform a D.I.Y. liposuction. Using a can of freeze spray and painkillers for anesthesia and a garage vacuum for a cannula, Dave prepares for the liposuction. Johnny makes a crude incision into Dave's stomach and slides the hose inside of the incision and turns the vacuum on. However, for a minute they thought their crazy plan was actually going to work, but then...it failed miserably when Johnny had unknowingly latched the hose onto a piece of Dave's intestines, as he screams for Johnny to turn the vacuum off as it began sucking the life out of Johnny's dumb friend, who can only call him an idiot. By the time Johnny can pull the plug, the vacuum had sucked up enough of Dave's intestines to cause blood loss, shock and death, which turned Dave from a fatty, into a fat-ality.
Way To Die #400. Fatty Splatty
Date: June 17, 2008
Location: The Amazon
Jeffery Miller (nicknamed "Cuzão" which means jackass) has came to the Amazon basin searching for gold. But he's too lazy to do it himself, so he hires a group of natives to search for it and abuses them while they are doing so. To beat the heat, Jeff decided to cool off by swimming in the river. While he was peeing, the urine attracted a candiru catfish which enters his penis and attaches itself to the side of his urethra, leaving the men he hired amused while calling him his nickname. He had two options; leave it in and risk amputation, or pull it out and tear out the inside of his member. Jeff ripped the fish out, but lost much of the inside of his penis causing it to bleed. Soon, the escaping blood had attracted a school of hungry piranhas, which began to eat Jeff alive, first reducing his arm to bones, and finishing off the rest of him. Later, Jeff's skeleton floats by in the river.
Way To Die #608: Catch & Decease
Date: January 5, 2009
Location: Palm Beach, FL
A proctologist named Dr. Butera with a fetish for women's rears begins to operate on a pole dancer named Maki, who damaged her rectum during a porno movie shoot. Prior to the operation, Dr. Butera forgets to advise her not to eat anything 12 hours before the operation. On the day of the operation, Butera's cauterizer ignites Maki's flatulence (due to a chilli dog she ate), creating a fireball which travels through his windpipe and incinerates his lungs, resulting in him dying. And Dr. Butera was ass-assinated.
Way To Die #278: Gas Hole
Date: 10th Century
Location: Scotland
Viking king Nygard decided to go on a marauding campaign to leave his brother Mort in charge. With Nygard away, Mort made a party celebration by having sex with women. When the queen tried to shut it down, Mort told the other women to get out of here and he threw her down and raped her, thinking that he was the king she knew. Over the next few months, Mort was having his way with her until Nygard returned and caught him in the act, unleashing his berserker rage. He then orders his men to seize him and order an execution. Nygard took Mort's life by performing a blood eagle (Which is something the former calls the worst way of teaching the latter life). He slices Mort's back and pulls out his lungs (resembling wings, hence the name), which shriveled up due to the exposed air, causing Mort to suffocate and sending the treacherous Viking straight to Helheim (the Norse equivalent of Hell).
Way To Die #869: Back Stabbed
Date: October 12, 1989
Location: Brighton Beach, NY
Ivan, a Ukranian immigrant fresh off from the boat, seeks to join the Russian Mafia. At a meeting at the two mobsters' hideout, they arranged for him to murder some people for not paying their debts. Ivan's weapon of choice is a tire iron. He also seeks to collect on some debts. First came Larry the Loser; he was reminded to pay up. Next came Garth; he got bonked while taking a dump. And last came Gay Gary, whom Ivan found in a gay bar. They didn't like him anyway. After Ivan murdered them as ordered, he returned to the hideout and learned there was last task. It's a Russian Mafia equivalent of a manicure; burning the fingertips using sulfuric acid (H2SO4), as so not to leave behind any fingerprints. Once the mobsters burned off Ivan's fingertips, they decided to toast for Ivan joining the mafia, with some of their homemade vodka. Suddenly after taking a gulp, they collapsed to the ground and died. That wasn't the vodka they drank. It turns out that Boris, the mobsters' loyal, but senile bartender poured from the wrong bottle which contained the acid. Like vodka, sulfuric acid is a colorless liquid. And after Ivan and the mobsters drank it, it quickly dissolved and disintegrated their internal tissues, vital organs and esophagus, killing them and sending them to Hell where they belong, while Boris cleans up the bar table in front of him, unaware of the deaths of Ivan and the mobsters.
Needless to say, Ivan's time in the Russian Mafia has been cut short.
Way To Die #617: USSR-Dead
Date: August 2, 2006
Location: Galena, IL
Cindy was invited to a party. The problem was, she had nothing to wear. So, she made do, by buying a full-metal bra, and picked out the dress she wanted carefully. After arriving, she was attempting to take home a male and drain him of his bodily fluids, by showing herself off. Every guy in the party wanted her. Even when there was a thunderstorm on the night of the party, Cindy was a real live wire. That is, until a thunderbolt struck her, and she was dead before she hit the ground.
Way To Die #55: Cardiac-A-Breast
Date: July 10, 2008
Location: Bend, Oregon
A nature-loving hippie who calls herself "Morning Glory" really enjoyed the outdoors. She even loved listening to whale songs in her car. She seems to have a happy life until one day, she accidentally ran over a raccoon. The nature-lover was devastated. In an attempt to revive the poor animal, she tried to perform CPR on it. While looking up to inhale, she was suddenly decapitated by a bumper of a speeding truck (the driver did not see her in the middle of the road). Her headless corpse lay next to the dead raccoon, while her severed head is stuck onto the bumper of the truck as the driver drives on, oblivious to her death.
Way To Die #303: Road Killed
Death Counter: 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻🦝 11 Dead Mother Fuckers And 1 Dead Racoon Ass Bitch Ass Bitch.