Chapter 24: Death On a Stick (Exten-dead Edition)

<p>Just when you thought it was safe to read retarded, stereotypical, sexist, and over sexualized books...here we are, and we got a fresh hot bach of death tho sink your teeth into like the peeper takes a bath or a pool hopper goes belly-up, the three soldiers got blown up, a gigolo goes gums up, a bachelorette takes a mouthful, a monk takes on a donkey, and a boy band hits rock bottom! It's useless to resist, it's impossible to escape!! So sit back and enjoy the next chapter of 1000 Ways To Dieeeeee.<br/><br/><br/>Date: May 11, 2005<br/>Location: Queens, NY<br/><br/>Dave was a building manager who kept an eye on things. The problem was...Dave kept too close in eye. Using a high-tech flexible snake camera, Dave spied on all the pretty girls in his building. Dave would start out with yoga girl in 6B. On the other side of his apartment Dave would spy on karaoke girl in 6D. Truly, she was a sizzling little pop tart. Dave would top it off with bathtub babe in 7C. Danielle was his favorite. She offered the best views. Over time, Dave had drilled several holes in her bathroom floor to maximize his peeping angles. Unfortunately, these holes allowed water to seep in and cause rotting, weakening the floor substantially. When Danielle got into the bathtub, the floor collapsed, shattering his skull, splattering his brain across the floor, causing massive bleeding within and out what's left of his skull, killing him instantly, much to the shock of Danielle.<br/>Dave was a creep, who liked to peep. He thought he was clever - until his fat head was crushed and his brains went splatter and his lights went out - forever.<br/>Way To Die #354: Blood, Bath, And Beyond <br/><br/><br/>Date: May 17, 2008<br/>Location: Henderson, NV<br/><br/>Two pool hoppers named Trudy and Dennis break into a pool of a house under construction. They nearly get killed by a loose plug in the water but narrowly avoid electrocution. Dennis gets drunk and starts playing with a nail gun and later a circular saw before finally, trying to slide on a piece of plastic into the pool despite Trudy's warnings. However, he is so drunk that he fails to notice a nail sticking out of the plastic. As he slides onto it, the nail cuts open Dennis's stomach and tears out his intestines, while he is still sliding down the makeshift slide his intestines are spilling out, causing massive bleeding, sending him into hypovolemic shock and he dies, while Trudy screams in absolute horror. As the sun sets on another unfortunate death, let's offer a heartfelt goodbye to our latest dumbass. Happy en-trails, Dennis.<br/>Way To Die #418: Naild It<br/><br/>Date: May 8, 1985<br/>Location: Da Nang, Vietnam<br/><br/>Three former Viet Cong soldiers and Vietnam War veterans with PTSD are arguing about what is the best aphrodisiac and decide to settle the score once and for all by playing Russian roulette. The three all dodge the bullet in the gun they use for the game and feel so invincible that they stomp the ground in triumph.<br/><br/>"These 'Once Upon a Time' warriors were feeling invincible. But sometimes your number comes up in unexpected ways. For these three, that number was 35,000."<br/><br/>This is the number of unexploded landmines in Vietnam after the war. The stomping triggers one of these mines which that was buried underneath where their shack was built (Which was something they didn't know), detonating it. The explosion destroyed their shack and blasted them into pieces which rain onto the ground.<br/>For some soldiers, the war is never over. For these guys, they should have quit while they were ahead, and an arm and a leg... you get the picture.<br/>Way To Die #337: Mine Over Splatter<br/><br/>Date: December 3, 2009<br/>Location: Palm Springs, CA <br/><br/>There was a nurse named Raul, who planned to swindle old ladies and steal their money, How you may ask? By seducing her with his handsom squidward like charm. The old lady and Raul start to make up but when he realizes that his new target has bad breath, he goes to the bathroom for mints. He ends up mistakenly swallowing denture whitening tablets. He responds to that by drinking water which turns out to contain dissolved denture cleaner. The two denture products destroy his insides and he dies in 10 minutes due to lack of oxygen in his blood, sending this money-stealing nurse straight to Hell where he belongs.<br/>Raul was a fake, who lied to get what he wanted. In the end, you can say he died of...truth decay."<br/>Way To Die #261: gummed <br/><br/>Date: May 31, 2007<br/>Location: New York City, NY<br/><br/>Three hot girls get into a limousine for a bachelorette party. Denise, the bachelorette was a young teetotaler. She thought a couple sips of champagne was as drunk as she was going to get. She was extremely wrong, her best friend surprised her when she pulls out a bottle of absinthe (notoriously highly alcoholic booze). The three get very drunk, and start doing crazy things (like taking their panties off). In the height of her stupor, Denise (who was a lot more drunk than her two friends) puts her head and arms through the moon-roof and does drunk stuff. Suddenly, a low flying pigeon directly (who had been startled by a car) flew into her mouth! The impact of the collision, knocked her head back, in a way that broke her neck and shutting down all brain function. Denise then fell down back into the limo and died.<br/>If we could offer some postmortem advice to Denise, it would be this: next time someone offers you absinthe, keep your mouth shut.<br/>Way To Die #378: Bird Brained<br/><br/>Date: June 6, 1483<br/>Location: Córdoba, Spain<br/><br/>Father Gomez was an inventor who designed torture devices. He was denounced as a heretic during the inquisition. His life began to take a turn for the danger zone because he also invented something he called the Spanish donkey also known as the wooden horse. It was essentially a board with a sharp wedge standing on four legs. The victim, in this case, Father Gomez; would straddle the board like a horse and have cannonballs tied to their legs and left to sit on it as the wedge and the combined weight of the cannonballs and their body tore their pelvis. Father Gomez was the first and final victim to be placed on his own device and slowly dies from blood loss.<br/>Was Father Gomez actually guilty of anything? The court ruling was...a split decision.<br/>Way To Die #919: Let's Split!!<br/><br/><br/>Date: June 23, 2009<br/>Location: Canoga Park, CA<br/><br/>Tim, Norm, Jeff, Tony, and Joe are members of an over-the-hill one-hit-wonder boy band called "4EVER" who refuse to recognize that they're no longer boys. The group was extremely popular in the 1990's but their fame had faded as the 2000's set in. Instead of theaters and arenas, 4EVER was reduced to playing in dive bars, dinner clubs, and small to medium-sized market nightclubs.<br/>One night, the group performs on stage for a very small, unenthusiastic crowd at a nightclub. Tim, the ego-maniacal lead singer, decides to do a stage dive while the band sings their song, "(Stop Callin' Me) Baby", being on the illusion that they were performing in a giant stadium/arena with thousands of screaming fans. He dives, but with nobody to support him, he falls to the ground, shattering his spine, causing paralysis. His entire body shuts down, and he dies.<br/>With the death of their lead singer, 4EVER now truly lives up to their name as they now have only four members. After overcoming the initial shock of Tim's death, the band decides to perform the rest of their song in his memory. Surprisingly, they gain more praise from the bar patrons.<br/>While Tim lay there paralyzed, his lungs stopped breathing, his heart stopped beating, and his brain just...stopped. In other words, Tim was dead...4EVER.<br/>Way To Die #87: Boys 2 Dead<br/><br/>Death Counter: 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 9 Dead Mother Fuckers <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>