Chapter 26: Stupid is as Stupid DIES
Its that time agaaaiiinnnn!!!! time to sit back and read about the dumbasses that died in dumbass ways. soak it all in and get ready to loose brain cells on the next chapter of 1000 Ways To Dieeeee.
Date: 07-04-2008
Location: Orangeville, MI
Jimmy Millican is a meth cook who was once a promising research chemist. He graduated college by the age of 17, but by the age of 19, he became a meth addict. Jimmy spends days upon weeks in his basement lab making the addictive drug. His hallucinations had hallucinations, and even though it was best for him, he wouldn't be leaving the basement anytime soon. Jimmy's version of getting by as his only form of nutrition originates from chewing on a 6-day-old piece of gum that he covers with citric acid to keep its flavor fresh. He does this over and over in a dip, chew, and repeat routine hour-after-hour. But in his meth-addled rush, he mistakenly puts the gum inside a container filled with red phosphorus: an explosive substance found in meth, and fireworks. When he chews the gum, his jaw bone applies 120 lbs of pressure, which was more than enough force to cause the gum to explode in his mouth. It then blew his jaw bone clean off his skull. His brain bounced into the back of the skull, hemorrhaging his cerebral cortex, causing it to bleed out and end his life with a bang as a result.
Way To Die #50: Chew Bomber
Date: May 1, 1968
Location: San Francisco, CA
Joan Meikin is a beautiful free-spirited painter and talented artist who is also a nudist. She paints every day, but she has one big problem. She suffers from an annoying disease known as trichophagia, an obsessive need to ingest hair. For months, she was unable to digest regular food and grows weaker and weaker, and whenever she goes to the bathroom, she vomits and it exits her mouth along with clumps of hair and goes into the toilet. And she doesn't know about her disorder and ignores her problems. Eventually, after Joan eats her own hair, her health deteriorates until she collapses and becomes comatose and she dies from eating hair. At the morgue, the coroners find a trichobezoar (ball of hair) clogged within Joan's intestines.
Way To Die #672: Rug Munched
Date: November 21, 2009
Location: Brentwood, CA
It's Hazing Week at Eta Pi Sorority. Harriet was in charge of the new pledges. Too bad for them, she's the daughter of the marine drill instructor. After surviving a week of abuse, the pledges prepare for the final humiliation: Eta Pi's Annual Mud Wrestling match. The pledges make a mud pit, and Harriet is ready to get down and dirty. She sprays one pledge with a hose, but this pledge has some fight in her. She tosses Harriet into the mud pit. In retaliation of being challenged, Harriet grabs the pledge into the pit, and the hazing gets ugly. The pledge tries her best, but she was no match. Just as she was about to black out, the other pledges help her out. As Harriet brags on the pit, she suddenly steps onto a sinkhole (which the pledges accidentally and unknowingly built the mud pit on) and sinks into the quagmire and dies of suffocation, getting swallowed whole by hell itself.
Way To Die #620: Mudder Fucker!!!!
Date: July 17, 2003
Location: Black Rock, Oregon
Hal is a redneck survivalist armed with a shotgun, a chain, and a meat hook. One day, he tried to poach electricity to his TV by throwing his meat hook onto a power line only to have over a million volts of the county's electricity race through his body, render his heart useless, & burn Hal's insides to a crisp. But that didn't actually happen. He was busy using his meat hook and chain to string up an elk carcass on a tree branch and wound up dangling by the cold metal chain as it became a noose & squeezed around his neck, cutting of his air supply. Pitifully struggling to free himself from his dire ordeal, Hal lost consciousness from a lack of air and succumbed to a suffocating fate. ...PSYCHE!!!! that isn't the way that Hal lose his life, the classic moose hanging is to other idiot. Here's what really happened to Hal. As he was walking to his shack, he accidentally tripped in a ditch and swallowed his meat hook whole. The hook went down his throat and cut through his trachea and pierced through the front of his neck. He breathed in when it went in so it closed off the airway to his lungs and he asphyxiated. His bloody gurgles were his last words & that is actually how he died.
Way To Die #223: Offed The Hooked
Date: June 9, 2007
Location: Washington, D.C.
Peter was going to have the best day of his life. Too bad it would end with the end of his life. Lately, he had been cheating on his longtime girlfriend, Brianna with two other girls: Lukasha and Desiree. While having sex with the latter, he suddenly collapsed onto the floor, dead from a heart attack. To understand how Peter died, let's go back to a few hours ago...
While unpacking Brianna's groceries, he gets bitten by a Brazilian wandering spider while getting some bananas out of her bag. The spider's venom causes his blood vessels to dilate, resulting in a permanent erection. To Peter, he just thought that he was having a good hard-on going on. By the time he finally realized something was wrong, it was much too late, and he went into hemodynamic and cardiovascular collapse, resulting in his fatal heart attack.
Needless to say, Lukasha and Desiree will have a lot of explaining to do towards Brianna at Peter's funeral.
Way To Die #672: Peter Pork-Her
Date: October 19, 2018
Location: Cool Rapids, MI
If you want to see the embodiment of football obsession, look no further than George. His commitment and loyalty to his team knew no bounds. He would show up hours before a game, covered in body paint matching his team's colors (blue & white), and get as drunk as a skunk. He was even more obnoxious when the game started. Unfortunately for George (who was shirtless, and only a pair of shorts covering his legs), an arctic cold front was arriving that day, and he was at great risk of Hypothermia. As the game progressed, George didn't notice what was happening internally; he only knew that he was really drunk. It was only when the game was about to end that George realized he was freezing. But, by then, he had lost the ability to speak. His body temperature dropped below 88 degrees, causing severer hypothermia. It also didn't help that he was drunk, which impeded his blood flow, and his fellow fans couldn't understand his cries for help. Also, due to the blue paint, nobody could see that he was literally turning blue. George's body got colder and colder as the low temperatures slowly froze his soul. Finally, with his skin ice-cold, every muscle immobile, his organs completely unable to function, with a morbid stare, George died, putting an end to this annoyingly selfish football fan once and for all.
Way To Die #299: Fansicle
Date: April 16, 2006
Location: Long Beach, CA
A huge group of rich 20 year-olds wasted their trust funds on fashion items and muscle cars. Mike and Jade were the most extreme of the bunch, who had piercings on almost every part of their body. Jade wanted to show off her new tongue piercing: a slave ring. Mike and Jade began kissing in opposite cars while the rest drove the cars and watched. They would stop kissing when they came close to a stationery object. Eventually, they would come across a forklift. When they were nearing it, Mike and Jade attempted to stop kissing, but their tongues were literally tied and they were stuck kissing due to Mike's standard ball piercing getting entangled in Jade's slave ring. The cars were going too fast to stop, and the two forks of the forklift cleanly decapitated Mike and Jade. Jade's friend soon stopped and got out of her car and started crying upon seeing Jade and Mike's decapitated bodies and severed heads.
Way To Die #517: Tongue Died
Death Counter: 👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 8 Dead Mother Fuckers!!!