The tragic tale of Ronobir Chatterjee

"It's not a crime to love what you cannot explain"

-Joseph Morgan

There was nothing but darkness around him; his heart was beating frantically against his chest as beads of sweat trickled down his back and the nape of his neck. He felt suffocated in the small space, his little heart beating furiously and tears streaming down his soft cheeks.

He cried and shouted, his tiny hands pushing hysterically at the four walls surrounding him, as he felt tiny legs crawling up his limbs; he could hear them moving, the buzzing sound filling his ears, his voice broken and hoarse from screaming, and tears streaming down his face.

He wanted to shove them off, wanted to be the big, brave man his father demanded him to be, but he couldn't. He was paralyzed with fear; he crossed his little arms on top of his chest in a protective gesture as he felt the bugs crawling all around him.

It felt like ages before he saw the light again, the cover of the wooden box where he was put was removed and he saw the tear-stained cheeks of his mother and her broken and dull brown eyes staring at him imploringly asking for forgiveness at her inability to save him from this distress.

"I'm so sorry, my baby," she sobbed as she reached into the box and pulled him out of it, her hands swatting the offending bugs away. "I'm sorry!" she sniffed as she rocked him, trying to soothe his fears she wrapped him close to her body and he put his arms around her slender neck. "I'm so sorry"

Ronobir's eyes snapped open and he found the worried eyes of his brother staring at him. His heart was hammering against his ribcage as he cast his eyes around the room, trying to make sense of his surroundings. The residual fear of his nightmare was still coursing through his body and was making him wary. The taste of his bitter tears was almost tangible in his mouth and the helplessness of his young self was a paralyzing reality.

"Bhaiya, are you okay? You were moaning in your sleep," Rishabh asked as he sat down facing his brother on the bed.

"Fine, I am just fine!" he said closing his eyes briefly trying to erase the lingering images in his head, the terrible memories that haunted him every once in a while. He took in a deep breath banishing the fears away as he tried to regain his bearings.

Rishabh scratched his forehead nervously, "You scared the crap out of us."

"What happened?" Ronobir asked with a frown.

"You got an infection, but Avantika was able to fix you up. She said you're finally out of danger."

"Great, because I need to get the hell away from here," he tried to sit up but Rishabh pushed him back down gently.

"Easy there, you've been out for two days bhaiya. You need time to recover." His brother's voice was soft, dark circles marred the skin under his eyes and worry lines seemed to be etched permanently into the younger Chatterjee's face. It was apparent that he was shaken to his very soul, he had come so close to losing his brother, he gave a little shudder at the thought of never being able to his brother again. He swallowed the lump in his throat and gave a silent thanks to Bappa for not taking his brother away from him.

Ronobir shook his head as he tried to sit up once again, "Two days is more than enough, there's stuff that needs to be done."

Rishabh sighed as he pushed his brother down again, "Rudra and I have been handling it."

His jaw clenched as he stared at his brother with hard eyes, "I can't stay here forever Rishabh."

"I know, but just a little longer. Until your body recovers fully. You will do more harm to yourself than good."

"Fine!" he huffed. "How's Radhika?"

"Adjusting," Rishabh said sadly. "Veer says she cries every night but that she seems to be getting better. He's restless."

Ronobir closed his eyes in anger, images of Ranjan Kamali's dead body came to his mind and he wished that they'd had more time with him, he didn't deserve the quick death he got. He should have been tortured and made to feel all the horrors that he put an innocent young girl through.

"I can't blame Veer; it was his younger sister after all. But we need to plan our next steps wisely. We just killed his brother; Salim is going to strike back!"

"Rudra and I think it's wise to plan a gathering with the commission."

"Yeah, just give me a few more days till I am fully recovered and myself again and we'll make it happen." His steely brown eyes looked grimly at his brother, "I don't need to remind you how careful we have to be about the location."

"Of course, not bhai, we'll see to it," Rishabh answered while rolling his eyes. "Those bitches are finally going to get what they deserve!"

Ronobir moved so he could sit straighter but winced at the sudden onslaught of excruciating pain that shot through his wounds.

"Do you need something? I could ask Avantika for more pain meds," Rishabh asked with an almost frantic urgency. He wrung his hands as he looked helplessly at Ronobir, wishing he could do something more concrete for his pain.

"No, no pain meds. They make me foggy," Ronobir whispered. "I need to think clearly."

"All right then, as you wish!" Rishabh sighed resignedly, knowing nothing more could be done, he was well aware of his brother's stubborn streak.

They heard a soft knock on the door, and Rishabh got up, and give his brother a meaningful look. "That must be Mishti, the poor thing has been in and out of this bedroom constantly for the past two days." Remorse bit the insides of the youngest Chatterjee when he remembered the way he had behaved with the girl.

Ronobir's eyes widened in surprise as he stared at his brother. He knew Mishti was a kind person, and even though he didn't expect her to be glad he was hurt; he also didn't think she would care so much about what was happening to him.

"Don't seem so surprised bhai, she has a big heart."

"Yeah, she does."

Rishabh said goodbye to his brother, patted him on his shoulders, and got up from bed, heading towards the door where he saw Mishti waiting behind anxiously.

"He's awake," Ronobir heard his brother murmuring to someone before he disappeared completely behind the door.

Then he saw her, she looked like a vision, a beautiful angel that he had stolen in hopes that she could bring a ray of light in his desolate life – maybe in her he could find peace amidst the loud violence that was his existence! She was the haven of a cool breeze in the blistering desert of his reality.

Mishti stood in the doorway, gratefully drinking in the sight of a recovered Ronobir, far removed from the dreadful memory of the man thrashing in agonizing pain that she had witnessed, just two days ago. "Hey!" she said with an awkward smile as she walked further into the room.

"Hey!" he answered back as the right tip of his lip lifted in a half smile.

"How you're feeling?" she asked twisting her fingers and eyeing his wounds surreptitiously. "Is the pain a bit better today?"

Ronobir huffed, "Fine. I'm good, hopefully, I'll be out of here by afternoon."

"I wouldn't count on that," Mishti sat down on the bed facing him. "It was reckless what you did, not going into a hospital." She frowned as she thought of what could have happened if the infection hadn't been healed. The thought scared her more than she thought possible, she didn't want to imagine a world without Ronobir in it.

"I know you think that but I did the right thing," he told her seriously. Ronobir knew that things were too tense at the moment and he couldn't allow himself to be vulnerable in a place where he was easy to reach and harm. "I'm sorry"

Mishti's surprised eyes snapped towards his, "For what?"

"For everything I suppose," he shrugged. "But I shouldn't have treated you the way I did when I got back and said all those hurtful things. I know you would never wish me dead, there's not a bad bone in your body therefore those thoughts could never be in your head." Mishti nodded as a heavy silence hung between them. She turned her head, blinking to stop the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes again, before turning to him.

Ronobir had dark circles under his eyes and his lips were pale and chapped, there was a thinness to his face and his whole body that made him look incredibly raw and exposed. There was a vulnerability in him that she had never seen before and it made her heart clench with pain. It was difficult for Mishti to reconcile this Ronobir to the one she saw every day, the brutal man to whom she was married.

Mishti fidgeted with the diamond on her engagement ring; she hadn't been able to stop thinking about the incoherent things he had said while in the throes of high fever the other night, and about what they meant. "Ronobir... can I ask you something"

"Sure"

"When you were feverish you kept repeating a name, calling out to someone."

His forehead was marked with a frown, "Someone?

"Sarah. You kept saying, Sarah!" Mishti felt the atmosphere change as soon as the words were out of her mouth. She could feel Ronobir tense from the bed. The muscles in his jaws clenched and his whole demeanor stiffened, his tired eyes looked icy, "Ronobir... who was she?"

He turned away from her, his jaw looking and his eyes cold, as he looked at the door, "It doesn't matter now. That's not of your business Mishti!"

Mishti huffed before laughing scornfully, "There you go again and we are back to square one."

His eyes moved back to her, "Excuse me?"

"Pretending not to care, shutting me out like you always do," her voice had an angry lilt to it and she was starting to become extremely agitated with him. She wondered briefly why she even bothered with him, he didn't want any meaningful relationship with her, she was his trophy wife meant to be just a display. She couldn't understand why she kept coming back to him, why couldn't she just leave him alone? What was it about him that pulled at her heartstrings? Why could she not care what happened to him?

Ronobir looked conflicted for a few seconds, as if he was trying to find the right words to explain it to her, "There are certain things I can't talk to you about Mishti, you wouldn't understand."

Her chin lifted in defiance, "Try me Ronobir; don't insult my intelligence by assuming I will break."

"It's not like that!" He said shaking his head, looking at her as if contemplating what to say.

"I just want to understand," she pleaded.

There was a dense silence between them and she could see all the conflicting emotions flickering in Ronobir's face as he contemplated what to do. He sighed and with a defeated shrug, he began to talk hesitantly, "When I told you I was going to be out for some business..."

"I know where you were!" she interrupted him quickly.

Ronobir rolled his eyes, "Of course, Shruti..."

"Please don't be mad at her!"

Ronobir shook his head ruefully, a slight smile ghosting his lips, he had learned a long time ago that there was no way to control his sister-in-law and that in a way Mishti was right, she deserved to know things. Knowing would make her less vulnerable, "Well you should know about the Kamali's then; there's been a feud between the families for ages, dating back to my grandfather I believe. We've always been neck to neck with the Russian mafia, for territory, money, for everything." Her eyes widened and she listened to him with rapt attention as he told his story. "When my father was boss he tried to do the unthinkable, what no other boss before him had achieved, he wanted peace." His eyes looked haunted as his memory seemed to have transported him to another time and place. "An arrangement was made, he and Faiz had agreed on peace, no more bloodshed. Territories were divided and it seemed my father had accomplished the unimaginable."

From his troubled expression, Mishti could gauge that this story was not going to have a happy ending and yet she couldn't help asking, "Then what happened?"

"The Kamali's have always been backstabbing bastards," Ronobir bit out. "Even after the agreement was settled, my mom lived in paranoia, she knew what those Russians were capable of, and she didn't want us to leave the house but my father wasn't okay with that. He wanted to show everyone that all was right and there was nothing to be afraid of, so we all continued with our lives as if nothing had happened." He paused and closed his eyes briefly, Mishti watched him with apprehension, fearing what was coming. "Three days after that agreement, Sarah left for school with her nanny. The kindergarten, can you believe it? What was the worst thing that could happen if a toddler lost a few days in kindergarten? But he insisted she should go, so he sent her in the car he was supposed to be in."

He stopped, pain distorting his face, his eyes wild with anger. After a few seconds of tense silence, he gave a shuddering breath and continued in a clipped voice, almost static to control emotions threatening to overpower him with their intensity. "Bullets rained from every imaginable side. An ambush held by the eldest son of Faiz, breaking any treaty made and ending with the life of my baby sister!"

Mishti closed her eyes horrified, her heart ached for that little girl she hadn't got the chance of knowing, "Ganpati Bappa Ronny..." she looked helplessly at him, her heart aching equally for the man lost in his painful memories.

"I arrived at the scene with him. There was so much blood everywhere and her little brown eyes were open, a silent accusation in them. It was like in those pair of eyes we could see everything that was wrong with our world. Sometimes at night, I can still see her staring at me that way..." His eyes swimming with pain stared at a far point in the distance, lost and anguished. He looked so troubled that all Mishti wanted to do was envelop him in a hug so that nothing bad could reach him. She wanted to soothe and comfort away his pain. She had thought that a feverish Ronobir was the most vulnerable she was ever going to see but she was wrong. What she was seeing now was his soul laid bare, the deepest cut and the unhealed wound that wept tears of recrimination and regret – a tortured moment that tormented her forever.

"I didn't cry you know? Not even a tear, it was like a frost crept inside... freezing all emotions, so I couldn't feel anything"

If she closed her eyes Mishti could almost see how everything had gone down, the blood, the helplessness, the agony, she could picture it all, "I'm so sorry"

"Don't be, it wasn't your doing." He said curtly immediately reverting to being emotionless, hiding any vulnerability. "My mother never forgave my dad for it, she lost her mind, locked herself in her room, and as you can see she barely leaves it even now. She went completely crazy!" His eyes looked intently at her, and hidden resentment shone in them as he spoke about his father, "And you know the worst part? I think he was more saddened by his failure. Because the Kamali got the upper hand and he lost in the end, not because the life of his child ended because of that meaningless war."

"Did you retaliate?" Mishti asked softly.

"Tried to, they lost a few men but the little bitches ran to Russia and have been hiding there over the last fourteen years."

"How old were you?"

"I was eighteen. She was four," Mishti clutched her hands across her chest as if trying to alleviate the ache that had spread like cancer, pinching her heart.

"Shanaya... she looks so much like Sarah, mom can barely look at her but keeps her around..."

Mishti nodded in understanding, her eyes brimming with tears and sympathy. Images of Ronobir playing with that little girl flashed back to her memory and she realized that he cared so much for that little girl because she reminded him of his little sister. The innocent sister he had lost so unfortunately to this cold and brutal world they had been forced to live in. "Ronobir... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," her hand took his hand in her own and squeezed it gently.

His eyes snapped to her as he removed his hands from hers and said harshly, "Don't... don't pity me," he bit out bitterly. "Don't try to justify who I am now, how my past affected me and made me the man I am. Don't make rationalizations for me."

Mishti's hazel eyes blazed with fury, as she stood up angrily smoothing her blouse, "Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?"

"It's just easier like this."

"It wouldn't kill you to show some feelings you know."

His eyes looked at her grimly, "Yes, yes it would."

"I know you think I don't understand, but I do Ronobir," she said beseechingly.

"No Mishti, you don't!" He sat up straighter in the bed and leaned down a few centimeters so he could be closer to her, "This isn't beauty and the beast you know? You won't show up in my castle and make me a better man. I am not that way, I don't love!"

"You're such an arrogant asshole," Mishti muttered under her breath "Then why marry me?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I wanted you so I got you. It's how I've always been!"

"I don't believe you!" she narrowed her eyes at him. "But fine, I don't want your love anyway but I think I deserve some respect, Ronobir. I am your wife for better or for worse and since you're not letting me go."

"I thought we made that point clear before," he said through clenched teeth. The thought of losing her made him feel like smashing something. Despite his outward coldness towards her, the thought of not seeing her face terrified him. She had gotten under his skin, her essence all around him, inside him, she was a part of him, floating deep inside and that thought disturbed him because it made him vulnerable.

"Therefore if I'm here for the long run, I want respect. I don't want to be kept in the dark and I want to be treated like a person and not an object," she continued indignantly, her chest heaving with pent-up frustration and anger.

"I treat you with respect Mishti!" he looked at her speculatively. This was a part of her he had not seen before, a warrior princess!

She laughed acerbically, "No you don't. You are mean to me most of the time, you locked me in the room like an animal on our wedding night and you're always treating me like I'm too stupid to understand things." Her face was so close to his that he could feel her breath caressing his skin, and he felt a little tremor go through his body, "I didn't come here without my family to be left alone all the time, the least I deserve is to be treated fairly!"

He seemed to think over her words for a few minutes before nodding, "Alright, I'm sorry if I've been too harsh on you Mishti!" He took a strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear gently, "But you need to also understand that this is how this world works. I have the power. I must always have the power, there is no other way around it. It's who I am!"

"I have told you this before, I don't think it's all you are!" she said mutinously.

"Violence, blood, and power. It's all I've ever known, it's all I am and what I will always be. If you're trying to find something redeemable in me I think you might be disappointed. I'm not a good man, I've never been," he bit out harshly.

"I think you spend too much thinking about what you are not and not enough about what you could be!"

He looked at her with a stunned expression, startled by her words and she almost smiled, marveling at the fact that she was able to render the mighty Ronobir speechless. "But let's leave it at that, I think we've already filled our quota of heavy conversations for the day."

He nodded as he smiled slightly, "Yes I think we have!"

At that moment, there was a knock on the door and Rudra peeked his head inside, a relieved smile appearing on his face when he saw that Ronobir was all right, "Can I have a moment alone with Ronobir?"

"Yes, of course!" Mishti said and Ronobir nodded in agreement. Before leaving the room, she stood and whispered in his ears, her warm breath caressing his ears, "I am sorry about your sister Ronobir." She placed a soft kiss on his cheeks before straightening up and heading towards the door. "See you later!" she said before disappearing.

Once again leaving Ronobir Chatterjee completely speechless.