Prologue

"Hooray"

I muttered softly. The dim blue LED lights in my goon cave shined on me like a spotlight of depravity. 

I was excited. After four years of on-again-off-again play, I beat the last class in Star Wars: The Old Republic. It took me so long, not because it was hard, but because it was time-consuming. Also, not all of the classes were fun.

'Whatever' I crack my knuckles. 'At least I can find something new to play now.'

I reached onto my desk, unwrapped a Tootsie Roll, and tossed it in the air to catch it in my mouth.

'Fuck'

I missed it. It wasn't even close. It landed in my filthy rug but not near my booger cemetery.

"Thank christ"

I grabbed it off the ground and picked off the gross shit.

"Hehe Five second rule"

I downed it like a girl popping molly at the club. It tasted like carpet critters. I was hungry and too lazy to go to the kitchen, so it would have to suffice. As I was chewing on the tootsie roll, I spotted a zesty meme on Reddit and started dying laughing.

The next thing I know, I'm not laughing anymore, I'm fucking choking. I choke for a while, everything I try, and I can't stop choking. I can't take in any oxygen.

'Oh fuck, am I going to die? Not like this god, please not like this!'

As if the man upstairs himself had responded with a "bet," a giant 18-wheeler truck tore through my apartment like a tornado. Destroying everything in its wake as its hungry headlights approached me.

'Wait? I'm on the 11th floor of my apartment building. How the fuck did a truck even get up here?'

God ceased responding to my thoughts as I was mercilessly crushed by this now-flipping truck. Mere moments before my neurons stop firing forever, I have one tragic and final thought.

'Did I just get 9/11'd by a truck?'