Chapter 98: Bursting at The Seams III

Matter of fact, he probably felt even worse now. He'd been standing there for who knows how long just letting the water wash over him as he stared at the blood still staining his hands, refusing to go down the drain like most of the rest.

Of course, the teen knew getting blood to wash off was a pain, but it didn't make him feel any better. Maybe he shouldn't be staring at it since it bothered him so much, but it wasn't like he could look away.

Memories flashed through his mind, Peter quickly pushing them down before he went back to that earlier thought.

'It wasn't like he could look away'.

Bitterness seeped into his veins, staying there and refusing to leave even if that was all Peter wanted-

A sad sound escaped him, Peter barely hearing it as he went to turn the water off.

Guess that principle hurt him in more ways than one, huh?

It'd be funny if he wasn't filled with old bitterness and exhaustion right now that clung to him.

God, those feelings were so old it hurt .

Because here's the thing, a part of him had thought he'd changed.

The shower stops, Peter stepping out and drying himself quickly.

When Peter became Spider-Man, you could say he hadn't been in a good spot. You could probably make an argument that he still wasn't in a good spot now.

Back then, he was angry because some kids made fun of him, and that his aunt and uncle were struggling with money, and that he couldn't do anything to help and so many more things.

And one day? He had abilities, he had a chance to hit back at a world that hurt him and the people he loved and just get lost in the feeling.

Which was what he did.

He made the suit and went to fight rings for money and probably for the feeling of being something more than what he was.

Then Ben was gone, but Peter was still there and he had to be different.

So Peter tried to change, he decided to go out there and help people and look out for the little guy so no more Bens died.

And it was all out of the goodness of his heart, out of a sheer want to do good .

Thing was, it wasn't.

That's what Peter wanted it to be about, though! That's what Peter is still striving to be. But wanting to do good in Ben's name wasn't the whole reason, even if he lied to himself sometimes and said it was.

God, why couldn't it be?

Peter wanted to be kind and helpful and the type of man Ben was, someone who saw the best in everyone off the bat and lived to just be a good person while trying to make everyone's lives better because that's who they were .

He tried to be, and sometimes he succeeded.

But he just… wasn't.

Because Peter was angry and bitter before Ben died, and he was still angry and bitter when he was gone.

After that day, all those hateful emotions grew and grew and grew and then grief got thrown into the mix and he had to be there for May and he couldn't do it.

So he put on a mask, and swung around the city and punched criminals every night until all he could feel was how his fists connected with their face and the burning beneath his skin before coming back home and acting like nothing had happened.

And it was unhealthy, so unhealthy, but Peter didn't care for the most part. He just let himself get lost in the sensation of hitting back for once.

Deep down, it was just a big routine that he did in which he moved too fast and hit too hard and did too much for him to have time for anger and grief and hatred to actually catch up to him.

Because his problems couldn't catch him if Peter swung away fast enough.

Except for the times they did.

But then Aizawa arrested him, and things changed again .

Peter couldn't be Spider-Man anymore, at least not how he used to be and a part of him was happy for that.

Because a part of him recognized that what he was doing was unhealthy, and how being Spider-Man was making him sink deeper and deeper into a life he never wanted.

And so, Peter thought that maybe things could be better next time.

Maybe he could do things right .

So he sat around in his house in silence without an outlet for months as all those emotions Spider-Man pushed to the side began to creep up and swirled around him to the point where he couldn't breathe .

But it wasn't all bad.

During those months, Peter slowed down enough to let himself reflect on things, on old wounds and memories, on the specific places where he'd gone wrong .

So he strived to be better, even more than he already did.

Then he got to UA, and things changed! Peter had friends, he didn't live 2 lives at once anymore and he was happy . Sure, the effects of his Spider-Man life still haunted him in his quiet moments, but it was getting better .

It felt like he broke that stupid cycle of guilt and rage and grief that Spider-Man was most the time, it felt like Peter could finally do things right!

But the anger was still there, always there .

The fights at UA didn't do anything for him because they weren't real, they were training exercises. And so, he didn't take his anger out on his classmates because they didn't have anything to do with how he felt.

So the anger stayed, it burned and grew and laughed in the background as Peter slowly got his life back together.

And then when he fought Endeavor, the anger tried to burst out of him but the fight was over before it could. It was a wrong place, wrong time thing, so Peter didn't have anyone to blame for nearly dying.

Which was a problem.

Because sometimes, he needed someone to blame .

Peter was used to forcing himself to see the best in others most of the time, but some days it didn't work.

That's when he used Spider-Man to let out his rage on the kind of people that took Ben and hurt others, the people he could hate.

The people he could point at and blame his problems on before hitting them until he felt better again as an alternative to actually facing the fact Ben wasn't there which was something he still wasn't doing.

And Peter couldn't do that anymore, not with his arrest.

Which grew into a problem since Spider-Man was an outlet as much as it was a way to help people, his way to not let grief and rage consume him every second of every day.

Using Spider-Man to hurt the kind of people who hurt him was how he survived as Peter Parker most days.

That's how it was, even if it shouldn't have been.

Because sometimes the anger felt good, curling around him and holding him tight as it crackled and burned when he needed an extra push to get back up or throw one more punch or just to get out of bed.

At times, the anger was all he felt he had left.

Things continued building in the background, Peter pushing forward while most of his problems lagged behind him.

Then he was with Mirko, and he was back to being what he used to be.

Spider-Man.

And he thought it could work.

He could be better and let a desire to help fully drive him, he could start helping people again just like how he used to. And honestly? It worked!

It was fun, he joked and flipped and swung and helped everyone he came across. He was what Spider-Man should and could be!

Until he wasn't.

Because then he fell back into old schedules, old habits, old feelings as he and Mirko fought crime all over Hosu 24/7.

Then during his lizard fight, things kinda crashed down on him.

Anger rose in the background, bursting onto the surface when he couldn't ignore it anymore.

Then the realization hit.

He was still the same kid that held his dying uncle in his arms, the one who used guilt and anger to roll out of bed, the same one that wanted to hit everything that once hurt him over and over and over-

And he was angry again.

Angry that he had a better version of Spider-Man within his reach and that and that he sometimes hated Spider-Man so much it hurt and that he was still selfish and that Ben was dead and that he wouldn't be Spider-Man if he wasn't angry and that almost dying felt so normal and-

Peter took a deep breath, closing his eyes tightly as he put a shirt on, hiding some of his newly earned scars from view.

He looked in the mirror and looked at the eyebags that had been with him for so long, he wondered if they'd ever go away.

Peter wanted to be more than the anger that always wrapped itself around his chest, so he'd try today.

Today, he'd try to be more than he was.

He'd go to Mirko and he'd try to apologize for almost dying and apologize for being angry at her deep down and he'd try.

Even if he thought he was in the right, he'd try to be better today.

His phone buzzed, Peter's eyes trailing down from the mirror to the device. He reached over and unlocked it.

32 missed calls from May along with 76 texts, a text from Aizawa, and a collective 37 texts from Nejire, Mirio, and Amajiki.

There was still an hour or so before his talk with Mirko, right?

Stepping back out into the main room, Peter tapped on a contact as the heat from the shower still clung to him.

Not even a ring later, the line connected.

Peter sucked in a breath, hands shaking slightly less than before as a frantic voice filled his ears.

"Hey, May." He said, sitting on the bed. "How've you been?"

She started talking, Peter simply listened as her voice washed some of the anger and bitterness away.

...

If you want to read ahead of the public release, or just want to support me.

You can join my p atreon :

p@treon.com/Huvnn