Chapter 3 : A familiar feeling

On Friday morning we waited outside the lecture hall for our coach. With a successfully smooth journey from Liverpool to Brampton, Cumbria, I was thrilled to be in the countryside again. the clean air, the fresh scents of early spring- colder than usual but enjoyable nonetheless. Brampton was a bucolic location surrounded by the moorlands with beautiful vistas and even a castle nearby. I was actually excited!

but of course, all things must end and the excitement ended when Bobby stepped off the bus behind me to squeeze past; the wandering purchase points were uncalled for I think.

but no one else had seen it so it would just be my word against his and he would have the favour of the class so… too much fuss for an unwelcome outcome. we walked a little into the town from where the coach had dropped us. its cobbled streets and sandstone buildings made me want to get out my sketchbook to document it all- I felt as if I might bump into a fairytale prince out on his constitutional.

instead, I was being bumped constantly by Bobby and Barb - for reasons unknown.

When we reached the Howard Arms hotel I was dismayed to hear Miss Andrews assign me to a room in the same corridor as Bobby. she said it was in alphabetic based but I maintain the argument that ' because I am the only owner of an 'E' surname I should have been allowed to choose between 'D'

and 'F'.' however as per usual, that argument got about as far as fantasy does. I said nothing and everyone set off for their assigned room- I was lucky to have a single.

But for sanity's sake was I being tested or something? Was this my punishment for not listening to aunt Mina? Jesus if that was the case I would have to get a lobotomy.

actually upon further pondering the fact that we were allowed to mix as we pleased- before 9.30 at least. It felt very new and intimidating to me.

I had come from a very strict school- reformed into an educational haven that prided itself on the manners and success of their students. It was quite unfortunate that it was my aunt who spear-headed the campaign when she became the headmistress. Having an aunt for a teacher in the school and in the home was bad enough, I mean I just never got a break. but to then have her reform a normal run of the mill academy into a freaking Victorian schoolhouse where males and females did not mix outside of necessary lessons. just remembering my later years at that damn high school gave me a migraine.

I walked up the narrow stairs carrying my luggage. As I ascended I heard the door at the bottom of the stairs, which connected to the reception, open and close with a whine.

I decided not to look back. I just needed to focus and get to my room so I would be able to relax.

I climbed a few more steps when I realised that I had not heard the person at the bottom of the stairs make a noise ... odd.

I took a few more steps before I finally decided that I could no longer ignore the terrible feeling that had my skin crawling with apprehension. I turned around to see who had decided to stand motionless for so long.

I wish I hadn't

I really wish I would have just jogged to my room for safety.

for when I turned I was horrified to be met by a pair of lips briefly pressing to mine. I pulled back immediately to see who the offender was.

''it's alright little rose-'' oh for fuck's sake this is ridiculous!

''bobby?'' I looked at the blonde man in the eyes- green-yellow things that started as if trying to take the flesh from my bones. ''what are you doing, Bobby?''

I tried to keep up my menacing stare but I couldn't stop my eyes from darting between Bobby and the door.

'' don't worry, little rose, no one is going to catch us-'' Bobby said with what must have been his attempt at charm as he leaned in to push his face into my neck he inhaled. Deeply.

moments passed with me as stiff as a board as bobby hovered his lips centimetres from my skin.

I was a ball of nerves so when Bobby suddenly began talking I couldn't restrain my flinch.

''There, there, little rose. shall I help you with your bags?'' Bobby offered his hand to take the suitcase and travel bag from me- I knew that he would probably be able to carry it much more easily than I, however… it didn't feel right to do it- it felt like the first of many steps down to hell.

''no, thank you, Bobby. I can manage- but I'm sure barbara will need help.'' With that, I pulled away from his orbit and scurried the rest of the way up the stairs to my room.

Once safely behind the door, I gave a great sigh of relief. I continued to the bed; before turning on my heel to lock the door securely. Once I made it to the bed I started laying out the things that I had brought.

I was halfway through when a knock at the door went off like a Gatling gun.

I don't think I want to answer that….

I hesitated to wait to hear whoever it was. but there was nothing and then: Bam, bam, bam. ''Open the door you little tart!'' It was barbed in the backside. her voice was scraping the insides of my skull.

at least I knew my intuition was on point - I definitely did not want to answer that.

''come out you dyke- you touch my boyfriend again and I'll have your scalp!'' she screeched through the door.

I waited for her third round of fire but before she could strike I heard muffled voices hiss in the hall.

''Barb, babes- miss Andrews is coming we gotta go.'' that sounds like one of Barbara's sycophants who always assisted in the barbie doll's aspirations.

''fine!'' I heard Barb hiss to her 'friend'.

Within a few seconds, I heard the retreat of a flock of bitches down the corridor toward the other side of their hotel for their rooms.

what the hell has Bobby told that mad cow?!

I shook my head finally, approaching the door to open it and see that Miss Andrews was following the same root as the bitch crew; she was onto them. poor girls… they're not going to get the party they planned tonight. I smirked at the vision of Barbie''s meltdown when she found out she was going to be under watch.

as I looked around the vacant corridor I noticed it had a very 'shining' vibe going with; Red carpets and cream vanilla shade walls that only creepy hotels seem to use. a whine broke me from my benign musings, coming from opposite, I slowly began closing my own door. I hesitated to close it all the way when the door opposite mine revealed Bobby.

He stood for a moment in his doorway in his trousers. He had a defined body but I found nothing to be attracted to. When my eyes returned north they met with him.

he smiled cruelly before smooching the air.

I quickly shut the door, pressing back against it and redeploying the lock. there was silence in the hallway… and then a click.

I suddenly remembered to breathe again, quickly turning into the bathroom, locking that door too, bracing myself against the sink.

I felt ill with a deep visceral reaction that was happening instinctively from Bobby's behaviour. I was scared. what did he want- to ruin me? what, was he going to set Barbie on me?

if that was the plan then he was more of a chicken-shit than I had previously thought.

I closed my eyes, lifting my head. 1,2, 3… I opened my eyes again to face her. the woman in the mirror.

she was not me exactly. as I studied her defined, mature features and her well made-up black hair.

she appeared from behind the glass with storms for eyes. churning shades of grey white and black crawled around in her eyes.

''I'm guessing you're here because I am about to have a damn panic attack?'' I asked, expecting no answer as she stared into my soul with hurricanes that stirred something within that scared me.

she looked so… worn. her beauty was pristine but her eyes were more like the hurricanes of space that last for centuries...

''right, well, nice to see that your still around- I'll let myself out.'' I gave the reflection a sarcastic smile which is replicated. In all honesty, my 'reflection' had always scared the hell out of me. ever since I was young I would catch sight of the lady in the glass and then descend into a period of emotional trauma, to say the least.

it was hard enough to dread how everyone else saw me - nevermind how I saw myself in the goddamn mirror.

I left the bathroom to stride over to the window to throw it open and let the country air flow in.

heaven… I loved the scent of the country- it was clean and still even when it was blowing a gale.

I decided to be daring and poke my head out; there wasn't much to see with the landscape blotted out by the buildings. but below the locals went about their daily business.

I sat for a time sketching the passing faces trying to distract myself from my fear.

a rap of knuckles on my door scared the bejesus out of me. mi pause before answering though; I want them to identify themselves first. there was a stretch of silence that overwhelmed the hum of the street below. my heart had become a jackhammer against my ribcage and I felt the beads of fine sweat trailing down the back of my neck.

Then finally, she cleared her throat and I was put at ease 'Miss Erikson? we shall be going to Keilder for lunch; the others are already on the coach, primrose.''

shit.

The panic was resurrected as I saw the dreadful and inevitable scenario that was going to unfold. I was going to get on the bus, everyone glaring because I'm late, and then I would 'trip' over something- most likely Bobby or Barb's foot- and face plant. end scene.

''yes, sorry miss Andrews, I'll… I will be done in just a minute, miss, I just had to go the loo…'' I cringed, giving a time explanation but desperate times it seemed…

she didn't answer straight away which always meant that she was suspicious about my state of mind... Damn Aunt Mina for sticking her nose in.

'''ok, Primrose, take your time I'll be in the coach…'' I could feel the tension emanating from the door for something that went unsaid. her footfalls eventually made a good place to get down the stairs.

'take your time' she says- as if I could stand being the target, again.

I ran around the room searching for my new purple fleece

it is fecking baltic out there!

I needed the damn thing and it wasn't here- now? I began wracking my brain as my fingers danced with each other before strangling one another.

then it sparked. a memory of… not packing it. I had left it on the back of my door intending to wear it on the journey.

damn you, primrose!

so it was freezing - I had a jumper, I guess. but it was snug… a present from Aunt mina and my only heavy jumper.

I buried my face in my hands as I refrained from screaming as I pictured the jacket on the hook on the door… I smacked my forehead. I was getting worked up and I felt a burning on the back of my neck.

'' stupid stupid stupid'''

thalla…

'' what? Thalla?!- is that even a word? oh good god you are going mad when you hear voices in your head - Jesus Jesus! this whole thing was so stressful I feared a full-blown 'episode'

a blackout, a fight or an escape- all crazy and without logic it just happened and most of the time I didn't remember them- My aunt believes it is all in the head- when isn't it? - she told me I had them a lot more when I was young and it was implied that it was due to my parents and them giving me up?- dying? My aunt was so vague I hardly knew them. she always said it was best that way, i can't remember most of my childhood, so i didn't remember all the bad things…

I sighed and grabbed my satchel from the bed turning to leave and face the drama again.

et voila!

There it was hung on the back of the door on a hook I had not noticed was there; my purple fleece!

''i must have worn it then..'' i said to no one my eyes darted around with a creepy crawly feeling consuming my body- i need to get out.

I quickly grabbed my fleece and spun out of the room, locking it.

i hoope this fucking trip gets easier - a week here and ill be checking into Ashworth myself.