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WAR-Destiny of Future

Auteur: AI380
Fantaisie
Actuel · 578K Affichage
  • 528 Shc
    Contenu
  • 4.6
    20 audimat
  • NO.200+
    SOUTIEN
Synopsis

I am putting this into a temporary hiatus, some of you might have found out that the plot of the recent chapters are rather out of order, yes, I am losing track of the current plot, so, I probably need a month or two to rearrange everything back to order. While I am sorting out the plot of this story, please kindly go read and support my other story for now. Two Immortals had lost their memories due to several reasons and they had to stay in the human world that is known as Null Dimension with the identity of high school students in order to find out the truth, the hint slowly lead them to the boy who is the bloodline for the ancient vampire Master Dracula. The Immortals have to face enemies from different places in order to succeed in their mission, however, they soon found out the whole crisis they are facing are related to an overpowered organization that is known as Kingdom, which later they realized that they are actually directly related to that organization but they can't remember anything about it. And then the writer starts getting crazy and added lots of 'interesting' elements to it. Causing the lives of the Immortals even more difficult than before as she is lusting for blood... *cough *... Yes, I'm serious about this. As the writer getting darker and darker and hating life, the story goes darker and darker and more disturbing as the story proceeds. The laziness of the writer causes a lot of grammatical errors that she never plans to correct it, so this turns out to be a good material for students to learn grammatical errors. In short, this story is about two overpowered characters that lost their memories and had no choice but to live in the human world as high school students. Anyways, update every Tuesday and Friday and Sunday. (could have less, depends on my mood and level of motivation) By the way, what I said about the grammatical errors is purely a joke, don't take it seriously if you are not even planning to read it. *roll eyes* ** don't get deceived by the first few chapters, this is certainly not a comedic story, it's dark, and I'm serious about it. *** this have became my 'sand box' to play and practice with all the different writing style, plot and character developments, thus, please don't put much expectations on this.

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PancakesWitch · Fantaisie
4.8
1388 Chs
Table des matières
Volume 0 :Auxiliary Volume
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3

audimat

  • Tarif global
  • Qualité de l’écriture
  • Mise à jour de la stabilité
  • Développement de l’histoire
  • Conception des personnages
  • Contexte mondial
Critiques
Aimé
Nouveau
Eiffel_Olympus
Eiffel_OlympusLv2
ludo2776
ludo2776Lv5

Just a few thoughts after your thread on the forum… You can delete it after reading; my aim isn’t to influence your readers. It’s just that I don’t think of another place to post it, the forum isn't suitable for it. First of all… you didn’t tag your novel as a comedy. If I just read the synopsis, I think it is a comedy, a parody of fantasy. I’m not certain the synopsis is perfectly in alignment with the content of your novel. OK, I’ve read the first chapter… It was pretty difficult. The style is really jerky. It reminds me of a declamation, a spoken speech more than a novel narration. Briefly, if I read it aloud, with the intonations, it’s ok but in my head, it’s hard to clearly understand. On the other hand, the dialogs are good, very life-like. It reminds me of a short theater scene with bad written stage directions. I would have a few remarks on the beginning. Some things are confusing (Kenji Seito or Seito Kenji, what’s the given name?, the friend playing in the water, is it Yuki?, who the hell is that Saburo?, they were two running towards the beach…, (there are many other things like it), not adding honorific when calling someone else isn’t very Japanese like… (Yuki-san, Seito-kun etc.)) There are too many grammatical mistakes. It’s surprising, because the orthography is ok, there aren’t missing words, slip of the pen etc., showing the story was reviewed. You have a big problem with present conjugation of verbs. Over all, you impose too many constraints to yourself. First, you write using present time. It’s more difficult using present than preterit. The author-narrator isn’t part of the story; you just interact with the reader, never with the characters, so preterit is ok (you would eliminate a good third of grammar mistakes, conjugation and time coordination). If I had to describe your style, it reminds me of note taking and audio description for visually impaired people of my tv. Clearly, it’s not a conventional style and it’s very hard to master it. I really love the dialogs, they are very life like. Maybe you are better when writing theater… At the moment, as a reader, the story could have interested me. However I wouldn’t read more of the novel if the writing style goes on like this. An editor isn’t a bad idea. I tried with the first few words, but I’m unable to keep your writing style. example of edition: *On a certain beach in Japan, during summer break, a 17 year-old young man was walking on the sand. His face was good looking, a kind of ‘rich boy look’. The boy was named Kenji, Seito Kenji, we’ll call him Seito. Seito stopped his footsteps and looked at the sea, more precisely the girls in bikinis, playing in the water. A girl wearing a T-shirt and short pants suddenly approached him; looking at her he said: “Hey, Yuki… hmm… why aren’t you in your swimming suit?” “Ha! You just want to see me wearing bikinis, don’t you?” “I’m not someone like that!” “I just don’t want to swim, and you? I don’t think your outfit is suitable for swimming either.” Seito was wearing a T-shirt, long pants and a jacket. “You know I don’t like water… Hey, Yuki; do you feel anything... weird?” “Yes! It seems like something bad is going to happen at any moment.” Yuki said, looking at the sea. Everything went on per usual until evening and when the sky was getting dark, suddenly ‘KYAAHHH!’, the screaming voice of a girl pierced the silence on the seashore. “What’s happening? It sounds like Maryl!” “Let’s go and check it out.” Seito and Yuki ran towards the origin of the scream. [...]*

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