Just a few thoughts after your thread on the forum… You can delete it after reading; my aim isn’t to influence your readers. It’s just that I don’t think of another place to post it, the forum isn't suitable for it. First of all… you didn’t tag your novel as a comedy. If I just read the synopsis, I think it is a comedy, a parody of fantasy. I’m not certain the synopsis is perfectly in alignment with the content of your novel. OK, I’ve read the first chapter… It was pretty difficult. The style is really jerky. It reminds me of a declamation, a spoken speech more than a novel narration. Briefly, if I read it aloud, with the intonations, it’s ok but in my head, it’s hard to clearly understand. On the other hand, the dialogs are good, very life-like. It reminds me of a short theater scene with bad written stage directions. I would have a few remarks on the beginning. Some things are confusing (Kenji Seito or Seito Kenji, what’s the given name?, the friend playing in the water, is it Yuki?, who the hell is that Saburo?, they were two running towards the beach…, (there are many other things like it), not adding honorific when calling someone else isn’t very Japanese like… (Yuki-san, Seito-kun etc.)) There are too many grammatical mistakes. It’s surprising, because the orthography is ok, there aren’t missing words, slip of the pen etc., showing the story was reviewed. You have a big problem with present conjugation of verbs. Over all, you impose too many constraints to yourself. First, you write using present time. It’s more difficult using present than preterit. The author-narrator isn’t part of the story; you just interact with the reader, never with the characters, so preterit is ok (you would eliminate a good third of grammar mistakes, conjugation and time coordination). If I had to describe your style, it reminds me of note taking and audio description for visually impaired people of my tv. Clearly, it’s not a conventional style and it’s very hard to master it. I really love the dialogs, they are very life like. Maybe you are better when writing theater… At the moment, as a reader, the story could have interested me. However I wouldn’t read more of the novel if the writing style goes on like this. An editor isn’t a bad idea. I tried with the first few words, but I’m unable to keep your writing style. example of edition: *On a certain beach in Japan, during summer break, a 17 year-old young man was walking on the sand. His face was good looking, a kind of ‘rich boy look’. The boy was named Kenji, Seito Kenji, we’ll call him Seito. Seito stopped his footsteps and looked at the sea, more precisely the girls in bikinis, playing in the water. A girl wearing a T-shirt and short pants suddenly approached him; looking at her he said: “Hey, Yuki… hmm… why aren’t you in your swimming suit?” “Ha! You just want to see me wearing bikinis, don’t you?” “I’m not someone like that!” “I just don’t want to swim, and you? I don’t think your outfit is suitable for swimming either.” Seito was wearing a T-shirt, long pants and a jacket. “You know I don’t like water… Hey, Yuki; do you feel anything... weird?” “Yes! It seems like something bad is going to happen at any moment.” Yuki said, looking at the sea. Everything went on per usual until evening and when the sky was getting dark, suddenly ‘KYAAHHH!’, the screaming voice of a girl pierced the silence on the seashore. “What’s happening? It sounds like Maryl!” “Let’s go and check it out.” Seito and Yuki ran towards the origin of the scream. [...]*
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Thanks for this detailed review, I appreciate it. About the tag, I think comedy will be a bit misleading, as the story gets really at the later chapters. As for the writing style in first few chapters, I admit it is not good and very messy, I don't like as well. I will try my best to re-edit it again. Since it is what I wrote when I'm only 17 years old, so I feel unwilling to change it, but I do feels that it's time to change.
I reading something else right now, but when I've the time, I'll give a shot, especially if the writing style improves ^^
AI380:Thanks for this detailed review, I appreciate it. About the tag, I think comedy will be a bit misleading, as the story gets really at the later chapters. As for the writing style in first few chapters, I admit it is not good and very messy, I don't like as well. I will try my best to re-edit it again. Since it is what I wrote when I'm only 17 years old, so I feel unwilling to change it, but I do feels that it's time to change.
