Day 8 "Gaining Hope & Feeling Pity"

If you're still reading, I think I may have mentioned about dropping out.

And I've been lost about what to do. I tried thinking about what I could do and what interests I may have. Which lead me to what I did.

Looking up free classes.

I've found some. And I've grown to like them a little. And I felt hope. Not that I didn't before.

A few hours before I was having an anxiety attack. Started because I was dizzy. So I was really down then. My mental state wasn't the most stable.

Anyway, few hours later I was learning. About what careers I like and don't like and why. Things like that. To help me figure out what I really wanted. I felt joy and a bit of burning curiosity as I continued to learn.

Then all of a sudden my grandma said to stop using my phone and sleep. Then followed by saying I just need to close my eyes and not really sleep. That alone is making me feel uncomfortable. More on upset. It's contradictory.

What makes me more upset is, a few hours before, I told her why I don't want to not use my phone.

The reason is that with nothing to distract me I'm left with my thoughts which can be scary. Sure if there are other things to distract me that interests me I may be able to stop using my phone for a few hours.

Well, there's none. There's no place nearby that could help. I barely know my neighbors as well.

So her telling me to stop using my phone upsets me.

She told me to take pity on myself after.

And I got pissed a little.

Because I was finally feeling good about myself and the possibilities. And was thinking okay thoughts. Then boom.

"You need to take pity on yourself."

Am I that sad?

"You look weak."

Okay. Why must you say it when I don't think I'm weak?

I sigh.

It's really upsetting.

You look thin. That's fine.

You have a lot of pimples. That's fine.

I don't mind as much. Sure it might make me upset a little but it's true to an extent.

And it's hard trying to explain.

First reason. I'm not used to it. The talking about feelings and thoughts to an older family member thing. Still need some time to actually get used to it a little.

Second reason. I'm stubborn. In most cases I think I am. Once I've decided something, that's that. Though I can be flexible, when it comes to certain things I mostly don't budge. And in this case I'm stubborn about not telling her haha.

Third reason. I made a joke once. She cried. 'Cause she thought it was not. Apologized. Then later on I found out she takes most jokes seriously. People had to tell her they're joking for her to understand. Not only that, she sometimes unconsciously makes herself the victim. I realized even older people would do something like avoiding being on the spot if they can. And I guess in my head before she was this kind and honest grandma. And I figured she's not the best role model when it comes to admitting to mistakes. Because she's stubborn in that area. She's right until proven wrong. That means with evidence.

And it's understandable. She's human.

Which makes me more upset because this would mean I need to be the bigger person in those moments. And you might ask, "Why can't you?"

Remember what I said? It's not that I can't. Belive me I've tried. And I rarely succeed. Because I'm stubborn. Really stubborn. Amd yes, I need to work on it. Be less stubborn. Or use it to my advantage or something.

Anyway, this is one long chapter. Longer than my usual ones. Well, now the goal is at least 500 words.

Also I changed my mind about the titles. Figured I should just title whatever. Nothing too long if possible.

Until the next chapter!

Bye~