Don't Be Sad When I Die

Hikari woke up before dawn the next day. She quickly freshened up and went out. Relishing the feeling of fresh morning air hitting her face, she strolled past the wide, gold-tinged open rice fields. She stopped for a moment there, feeling the need to watch the beautiful sunrise. Seeing the open fields always calmed her senses. Perhaps it was the soothing yet empowering ambience of the place or the eerily serene atmosphere that made her feel that way.

When she was young, she'd come to watch this scene with a certain someone, but he was gone now. She missed those woeful days — those days full of happiness and enjoyment. There was a saying that if you get too happy, something bad always happens. She didn't believe those words at the time, but now she was starting to rethink them.

Hikari sighed heavily. Why did her mind always bring up those painful memories when she was trying hard not to think about them? 'Because you're stupid. You still can't move on', it shot back mockingly. But how could she move on when it was her fault? If she had just been a little more tactful in the past, maybe things wouldn't have gone the way they did. She was just a kid back then; that person had told her once — when she asked him what she should do when she missed him — to look up at the sky and smile because he'd be looking at it too, no matter where he was. His words always made her feel better. His words made her believe that no matter the distance, their hearts would always be connected.

[Leyon, where are you now? Are you also watching the same sky right now? I miss you...]

---

Leyon was never a light sleeper. He usually woke up late, so it really baffled him when his eyes snapped open without any explanation at the early hour of six in the morning that day. He tried to sleep in but his eyes stayed wide awake. Deciding it was of no use, he got up, walked to the other side of his room, and opened the sliding door to his apartment balcony.

'Was the morning sky always this beautiful?' he asked himself, looking up at the sky.

The sky looked exceedingly clear and bright that day. It was as if the gleaming saffron-yellow sun that was slowly making its way up the horizon had been waiting for him to steal a glance. But what was this uneasiness inside his chest? This feeling he couldn't quite explain; this longing, what was it? [Don't tell me I have heart disease now.]

---

Hikari entered through the backdoor of her house which led her to the kitchen. After putting the groceries on the kitchen counter, she went to the living room and raised all the curtains. The warm sunlight penetrated the windows, lighting up the whole room. The morning had gotten so peaceful since her father became ill. She never wanted to imagine those nightmarish moments she experienced before her father got bedridden.

As the thoughts ran through her mind, her eyes spotted something on the living room table that hadn't been there the previous night; she found it odd because she knew her father would be asleep around that time. When she came over to see what was on the table, a hot bowl of soup greeted her. Next to it was a pile of folded papers. Did her father do this? She didn't think so. Her father was bedridden; he couldn't even walk without another person's support.

Stopping her thoughts, Hikari picked up the papers and unfolded the contents with her hands. Written in scrappy, awful handwriting were the following words:

[Hikari, my beloved daughter. By the time you read this, I'd probably have gone from this world. I've already known that my days were numbered. It must have been hard on you all these years, keeping up with a useless father like me. All that money I threw away when I gambled, I should've used it to buy you good clothes and jewellery. I should've pampered you like how all the other fathers pampered their kids. I regret it so much. I was too focused on the momentary pleasures of life that I completely neglected you and your mother.

I had a dream about you last night. You were five years old. You were playing in the garden when I came to see you. You gave me the most dazzling smile I had ever seen in my life. Holding a bunch of flowers, you stretched out your hands towards me and sang, "Papa, I picked these flowers for you!" and I cried.

Hearing your sweet voice in my dream brought me back to my true self. I was crazy. How could I have forgotten my beloved daughter? That little bundle of joy made me the happiest man on earth when she came out of her mother's belly. All these years, I felt like a demon had possessed my body, and now that I'm nearing the end of my time, it seems he had left in a hurry. This must be why I'm feeling all these emotions now, this unbearable pain and sadness.

You lost your voice because of me. I'm sorry. I know it's shameless of me to apologise now, but I'm still sorry. For all the times I inhumanely treated you, I'm sorry. For being a monster to you, who was my own daughter, I'm sorry. Don't forgive me.

I wish I could turn back time to fix all the mistakes I've made. But I know it's impossible. All I can do is write the words 'I'm sorry' on this meaningless sheet of paper. I wanted to tell you this in person, but it seems my time is running out.

After I die, leave this place, my daughter. Go and find your mother in the city. Go and live with your mother. That is my only wish.

For this pathetic excuse of a man who doesn't deserve to be your father, don't be sad when I die.]

Hikari dropped the papers from her hand and they fell soundlessly to the floor near her feet. Something wet touched her cheeks; it took her a second to realise that those were her tears. Suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of dread, Hikari rushed to her father's room, the bowl of hot soup left forgotten on top of the table.