Ch.35 – What is Inside Our Hearts (2/5)

"Onee-chan!"

Suddenly, Hana-chan pushed her tiny arms around me. She held my torso and nuzzled her nose on me.

"Hana-chan…"

Her warmth that I wanted to protect… was fading because of my actions. I wasn't mature enough to hide my feelings and not confess to the woman I used to love… who I still have feelings for…

"Hana-chan, I need to tell you something."

She let go and looked at me blankly. Sadly, I couldn't share her joy as I put my hand on my hips. It wasn't time to cry anymore. More than anything, I had to be stronger and figure things out. Mom needed to know my feelings and not just brush them aside. I wanted to hide it… but I couldn't any longer. I was confused and upset. Everything since I woke up finally came to a head, and I clearly wasn't strong enough to hold it in. But I didn't plan on crying into her arms as I did before. I caught myself before I could do something I'd regret.

But I had to be clear…

"Something happened, Hana-chan… and I need to chat with Mari-san and mom immediately."

"W-What happened?"

I sighed.

"Because of what happened… Mom…"

I tried to explain. I took a deep breath and looked back at my worried little sister.

"During school, I got a call from Mary-san. So, during lunch, we went out together to talk about something."

I bit my lip as my mind began to race. Calmly, I closed my eyes and collected my thoughts. Everything began to fall into place as I explained everything to her.

"Mary-san told me that… mom is trying to move me out of the house by... sending me to a boarding school."

"What? W-What are you talking about, Madoka-chan?"

Hana-chan said firmly.

"It sounds like mom is suspicious about things. But instead of confronting me about it… she decided it would be best… to enroll me in a school...and avoid things altogether."

Her mouth jawed as her fist clenched.

"Your mom… is trying to brush everything aside and kick you out instead?!"

The malice in her tone took me by surprise. I could only imagine what was racing through her small head. She shook like a slight tremor as she burned a hole into the ground with her gaze. I could feel the heat forming around her, Hana-chan was beyond livid.

"Enough is enough, Madoka-chan!"

Hana-chan exploded. Students from both schools passed us and looked our way for good reason. She stomped on the ground and looked back at me.

"I've been patient with mom! I've been patient with Ayumi-san and even you, Onee-chan! But going behind our backs and doing something like this…."

My little flower looked at me with determination. Her hair flew in the wind as she expressed her true feelings.

"This isn't just you and mom's problem! This isn't just mom and mom's problem! People need to be honest; all the lies need to stop!"

My sister was right… even if it was going to hurt, the lies needed to stop. Her words made me feel all the stronger too. I… needed to confront mom and finally tell her what my feelings are… and what I decided due to them. How I... let my first love go because of her and Hana-chan.

"I don't want my family to break apart like this! I know things won't ever be the same. It's too late for that! But to do such a spineless thing… It makes me angry!"

I pat her on the back, trying my best to give her some of my strength.

"I let my emotions get to me… you're right, Hana-chan. It's time to open up and stop hiding things."

I gripped her hand and put it in mine.

"I… Hana-chan, I can't promise you that our family will be the same. I know I promised…. But I can't keep it."

I confessed the truth.

"But… if mom can't trust me, If Mari-san can't trust mom or anyone else… then we'll grow to hate each other and…."

I closed my eyes, looked into the cloudy winter sky, and spoke my mind. As if the world was on my side, the wind blew at my back, pushing me forward.

"Even if we can't be a family, enough is enough! If things are going to change them, we have to be honest… no matter how much it hurts."

Together, Hana-chan and I made our way to the train. I felt more assertive with her beside me. I wasn't weak, not with her supporting me. The ride home was tense, thinking about what I would say. Today will be the day that we finally spoke openly together. Because if we don't… if I allow mom to do what she wants… our relationship will be destroyed.

When we made it home, the car was already there. It only made my stomach all the tenser as I knew what was about to happen. All the lies, the secrets... we're coming to an end today. Hana-chan and I stepped inside, coming to a scene between Mari-san and mom. They both seemed to be in the living room chatting with each other. I could see that their body language was tense. Hana-chan walked behind me as they both looked at the two of us. Our expressions must have taken them by surprise because they both looked at us in an instant.

"Mom…"

I spoke, interrupting them.

"Madoka… We were just chatting about work."

Mom explained, giving me a warm smile. I brushed that aside as I stepped up to her.

"Mom… tell me the truth…."

I tried to calm myself down, but that was almost impossible by now. My hands were shaking as I squared up to my mom. For the first time in my life, I looked at the person I've… looked up to all these years in opposition...

"I was told… by Mary-san that you planned to switch my schools without me knowing."

Her eyes widened as she backed up slightly. I could see the apparent confusion on her face as if I had just taken a hammer and shattered her world violently. She looked at me like I was a demon as she tilted her head.

"She told you, Madoka?"

Mom asked. Mari-san walked to the side of us with her arms crossed.

"Switch schools? What is Madoka-san talking about, Ayumi?"

Mari-san put her hand on her hip. She raised her voice slightly as she continued.

"Is that what you've been doing with Mary-san all this time, Ayumi? You… were out looking for a different school for Madoka?"

Mari accused. Mom clenched her fist and turned back to me.

"She wasn't supposed to tell you about that, Madoka."

She clawed at her shoulders and bit her lip. It amazed me that she… wasn't apologizing about going behind my back. Mom was… upset that I found out in the first place. This only added to my rage.

"So, it's all true, and you were going to switch me to a dorm school, Mom?"

I put my hands to my side as she looked away.

"Mom! Stop hiding things from me! Tell me the truth for once! I'm sick of having to pull it out of you!"

"Quiet, Madoka!"

She screamed at me, causing me to step back. Her words were like venom, and it caused my heart to shake.

"Clearly, I am trying to do my best to keep everything together! Can't you see that things aren't right in this house?!"

Mom yelled.

"No! You're not trying to keep anything together! You're trying to push everything aside like you always do! Just like you did when I first woke up!"

I put my foot down.

"How are we ever supposed to talk about things when you constantly push me away?! Do you want to know why I can't tell you anything? It's because you always lie to me… you've changed so much, mom."

Mom looked me in the eyes. They were fierce as she bit back at me and it made me back up slightly.

"You don't understand!"

"No, mom, I do understand! I know more than you think! I… I know what you did to yourself as I was asleep… but you never trusted me enough to tell me yourself, mom."

I could see the terror in her eyes as I mentioned… the one thing she never wanted me to know. I had to show her that I had to find out the past without her. Show her how much she's hidden from me and how it's all cultivated to this.

"I know that you tried to hurt yourself… But the fact that you never wanted to tell me hurts me. Mom… you've changed so much that it's… hard to talk with you now."

Mom turned to Mari-san, completely ignoring my pleads to her.

"Did you tell her, Mari?! I can't believe you would tell her that, Mari!"

Offended, Mari-san stood up straight and crossed her arms.

"I didn't tell her about that, Ayumi. Madoka-san found out on her own. Clearly, your daughter wanted to speak with you about things, but you wouldn't give her the time to."

The fox lashed back.

"You must have told her that night when you two were out at the Inn and Onsen! What else did you two do?! Tell me! Tell me!"

Mom latched onto Mari and screamed in her ear. Her voice peaked and it made my bones rattle.

"Mom, stop!"

Hana yelled, causing my mom to turn to her. She calmed down as she turned to her stepdaughter.

"Mom, Mari-san, this has to stop!"

Finally, they all turned to me. It was time that something needed to change.

"Mom, Mari-san didn't tell me. I had to find out another way. From the beginning, when I first woke up… you never trusted your own daughter over… Mari-san… and... that hurts."

Tears were welling up in my eyes as I finally confessed.

"Mom… Mari-san and I didn't talk about you... we talked about us."

"What do you mean... about us?"

Mom demanded an answer.

"That night, I told Mari-san… that I had feelings for her."

The room felt ice cold as all eyes fell on me. Surprisingly, mom kept that stern look on her as I continued.

"I fell in love with Mari-san before my coma… and… and over the time after I woke up… I started to remember that I was in love with her. I-I tried my best to hide it but... but I told her that night… and that was it…."

Mari-san held her body as she approached slowly.

"Madoka confessed to me before her coma when I was helping her study, Ayumi... It was a normal night... and I think she realized her feelings and blurted them out to me. Madoka was going to tell you, but you both had that accident and…."

Mari-san, my knight sighed and with a look of determination, she turned back to her lover. Through all the hurt and pain, Mari-san was finally doing her best to reveal her lies to our... family.

"I... realized I felt the same for Madoka-san back then... No... I want to be honest... with all of you."

Mari-san turned to me and... that made my heart beat a tad faster.

"I still do, Ayumi. I still have feelings for Madoka-san... despite her telling me she doesn't want to be with me romantically. Despite her realizing her feelings again after she lost her memories... Madoka-san gave up her feelings for me... to give us a chance to make things work..."

My heart sank as I heard her... say the truth despite how painful it must have been for everyone.

"Mari-san..."

I whispered. I could see the pain on her as she brought out the hidden truth deep within her. The same truth that she struggled to even tell Hana-chan.

"Mom..."

Hana-chan's tone was pained under her breath as she looked at the mother she looked up to. Mari-san was tearing up as she seemingly realized that she finally spoke her heart openly... and it was destroying her from the inside. How I wanted to comfort her but... that would be inappropriate if I... attempted to touch her.

"I knew it…."

Mom whispered as she rubbed her dress with her fingers. The silence was deafening as my mom began to bite at her lip. I couldn't help but want to brush away the tears rolling down her cheeks. But in an instant, she turned to Mari-san.

"What the hell is your problem, Mari?! Do you know how old Madoka is?! S-She was fifteen at the time if... if you're telling the truth!"

Mari-san lowered her head to the side.

"I am telling the truth, Ayumi and... I know… I originally told Madoka-san to wait until she's older, but… the car accident happened, and…I wanted to make her happy, so I took her to the amusement park… and you know the rest."

Mari-san began tearing up as she continued.

"I tried my best to help her… but I made it worse… and then after you tried to harm yourself and… and… I didn't know what to do…."

Mari-san's body was shaking. For the first time... she had to open her heart slightly and... confess her lies.

"Mom…"

Hana-chan whispered as she approached her mother.

"Don't you dare make me the bad one here! W-Was I in the wrong to want companionship?! You should have told me!"

Mom was confused and flustered as she guided her rage back at me.

"And you, Madoka! You still can't even remember anything leading up to your coma! How do you really know what actually happened?"

I was shocked at how… she was still trying to spin this. Even after I clearly told her my feelings… mom was burying her head into the sand and trying to twist my words. I stepped closer to her as I tried to explain my feelings.

"Mom, I did a lot to find out what I know. It only makes sense. I-I do have feelings for Mari-san, which we talked about that night. But listen, mom, that night I decided that whatever happened between us was in the past. We... We decided that you two need to resolve your problems and be honest with one another! Clearly, there are problems between you two and how your relationship came about!"

"That's what you two were talking about?"

Mom clenched her hands as she looked away.

"That's not all that happened while Mari was gone… D-Did you two… have sex? Tell me you two didn't!"

Mom pleaded. It hurt to think... mom imagining something so vile but I had to be firm and tell her the truth.

"No! No, mom! I took Mari-san outside, and we talked it out! I told her that I wanted her to make you happy… and stay with you."

Mom held her stomach and walked over to the couch.

"After our chat… I knew it had to be discussed with you… Ayumi…"

Mari-san stopped… and turned to me.

"About everything that happened in the past… but I'm… I'm not strong enough to open my heart to you, Ayumi… and it brought you to doing something like that."

"…Mari."

I could see this moment destroying Mari-san at her core. I'm sure she's never wanted to cause any of this… and it hurt that much more. Mom put her hands in her face.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Mari?! Can't you see you're confusing Madoka?!"

Mom stood up.

"She doesn't have any clue what happened before her coma! She doesn't realize how broken she is! Now she's confused with all these feelings that she doesn't know what to do."

"Mom, I do know-"

"You don't, Madoka!"

Mom took over the conversation as she stood over me.

"You have no idea what the heck happened to you, Madoka. You can barely remember those years. Everything you know is told by someone else."

She took my shoulders and leaned down to me. She was...making me out to be a child as she always did.

"Madoka, I had a suspicion that something was going on between you and Mari. So, I decided that it would be best to go to a dorm school. That way, if it was true, I could figure it out without hurting you."

She squeezed my shoulder.

"You wanted to be more independent. So, if you were out of the house… maybe Mari would open up to me. Clearly, you don't know what your feelings are, Madoka."

She turned towards Mari-san.

"And maybe Mari mistakenly projected her feelings onto you... and you felt that you... might have had feelings for her."

"N-No... that's wrong mom."

"Hush Madoka... can't you see you're just confused?"

I felt like she was… guiding me to believe what she wanted. It… it made me angry. Of course, my memories were broken. How I wished I could just remember everything and undoubtedly know what happened, but that wasn't the case.

"That's not true!"

I screamed, causing mom to let go of me.

"I know my feelings! I cast away my feelings to make sure this family had a chance to piece itself together. I gave up the person I wanted to tell you I loved so you and Hana-chan can keep the family you love! The family I grew to love too!"

"Madoka..."

Mari-san whispered.

"O-Onee-chan."

"Don't you think it's cruel for you to just cast me aside without-"

Mom placed her hand on my head. She wasn't harsh… she was extremely gentle, and it reminded me that I… was just a kid in her eyes. No matter what I would say to her... mom wouldn't allow it because I am just... her daughter.

"Quiet, Madoka..."

I was taken aback by the level of her control over me...

"Clearly, Mari and I need to have time to talk alone. You didn't even know who Mari was when you woke up. Don't you see how that's a problem?"

"No! I-I remember! I-I had to figure everything out and…."

Her words were like bullets going through my chest. Even when I tried to be honest… even when Mari-san tried her best to support me, mom… was too far into her own world to accept it. I… was still a kid in her eyes... and I always will be.

"Madoka… Mari and I have to have time alone to work things out… and you're not helping. You being here… is complicating everything."

Mom explained harshly.

"You're just tossing my feelings aside! I loved Mari, and I don't care what you say. B-But you don't get it... I threw that away and you're stepping on my feelings, mom!"

I shook my head from side to side. But no matter how hard I struggled, mom wouldn't listen.

"Ayumi… we need to talk things over… especially about how we got together."

Mari-san stepped forward.

"But sending Madoka away behind her back… why would you do something like that?!"

Mom stood up to her lover. Nose to nose, she said what was on her mind.

"She is still going, Mari! If things are going to be talked about… I can't have you two in the same house anymore! Not until we figure this mess out!"

"No, mom… I don't want my Onee-chan to leave."

Hana-chan grabbed my mom's dress and begged.

"Hana, this isn't up for discussion! Clearly, things are wrong here! If we are going to begin to talk about this… about each other… Madoka needs to leave!"

Mom had never wanted to treat me as an equal. When I woke up, she had already decided not to look at me as nothing more than a confused child. With the emotions high… I calmed my mind and spoke softly... doing my best to get everything clear with my... mom.

"So… you're kicking me out, mom? Mom... you were happier when I was in my coma... weren't you?"

She turned to me with tears flooding her eyes.

"…Oh, no… Madoka… don't say it like..."

"No, I get it. I…. I should have told you how I felt about Mari-san in the past… then maybe none of this would have happened. T-Then maybe Mari wouldn't have felt guilty… like she needed to be with you..."

Everyone was quiet until Mari-san stepped forward.

"No, Madoka… everything that's happened here is my fault. Don't you even think for a second you had anything to do with this! You were just a girl who fell in love with the wrong person…."

Mari-san said as she looked at me with tender eyes.

"Mari…"

I couldn't take it… My heart was pounding so much that it hurt.

"Mom…"

I spoke.

"Clearly… you don't want me here."

She didn't answer as she turned away.

"But I'll be damned if you take all my friends away from me too. I refuse to be transferred because you want me to!"

I said defiantly. For the first time in my life, I was openly... defying my mother to her face.

"It's going to happen! It's the best way to go about this, Madoka!"

"Will you all just stop?!"

Hana cried. We all turned to her as her face was red with rage.

"You all are selfish! Doesn't anyone think about me?! I don't want to lose Madoka! I don't want to be alone anymore!"

Tears flowed from her cheeks as the smallest one of us all expressed her feelings the loudest.

"I don't want to be alone when you two work late! How could you selfishly try to get rid of Madoka without even thinking about me, mom?"

Hana held her chest.

"I love Madoka too, you know?! Don't you think I have a say in anything?! You three act like you make up this entire family, but I… I like to think I'm important too. I… I should have a voice too."

Hana-chan shook her head and made her way up the steps with a sigh. She didn't make a scene, no, I think she was too tired to. Her body slumped as she looked away from us shamefully. I watched as she disappeared upstairs, and her room door shut. My heart sank…

Everything around me was swirling out of control. Like in a tornado where everything goes around, and nothing makes sense until it's over, our family was spinning out of control. I clenched my fist and picked up my bags.

"You never respected my feelings from the beginning, mom…."

Enough was enough, I had to do something, but like Hana-chan, I didn't know what. I didn't know what to do, and I found myself walking outside the house.

"W-Where are you going, Madoka?! Get back here, right now!"

Mom yelled at me as I pushed my way out the doors.

"M-Madoka! Madoka!"

Mari-san even cried out for me... and that hurt the most. I didn't know where I wanted to go, but being in that house felt like I was being strangled. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had every intention to get away from it all just for a moment to think. My phone was screaming at me to answer it, but I didn't, and before I knew it, I made my way to the train station, got on, and rode it. The crazed world of my home was behind me, if for a moment… giving me time to think.

I was panting as I realized that I… ran from my home all the way here without me noticing. In a trance, I had to get away. I felt sick… no matter what I tried to say…

Mom…. Didn't care…

She… never cared.

As long as I was under her… it wouldn't matter what I said…

"This is… my fault, Mari-san."

Both Mari-san and I had these deep-rooted feelings. Clearly, Mari-san still does love me. Mari-san even confessed that to everyone… So, eventually, me and Mari-san's feelings for one another would have come out at some point… It was unavoidable... because our feelings for each other before my coma were too strong.

"What am I going to do? Dang... Dang, it all..."

As I looked at my phone that was constantly ringing, my... family was doing their best to get ahold of me. I put my phone on mute and held it to my chest. Everything in my body felt like it was on fire as I rested my forehead on a pole inside the train. The family they made while I was gone used to be perfect. But when I arrived all the nasty cracks began to show...

It began to show that this wonderful family was unstable from the beginning.